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Eliana

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Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 748 total)
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  • January 24, 2018 at 7:55 am in reply to: In Love with People who just broke up #188561
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Romeo,

    I think what is happening, is you are confusing love, with rescue. The damsel in distress. You are wanting to rescue these women, then from that need to “rescue” you confuse it with love, which is not healthy, because once they they get back on their feet, and feel better, they will eventually leave. You are needing a 50/50 where each person puts in half toward the relationship, and they are not given the chance to meet your needs, because you are to busy meeting theirs, pleasing them, or rescuing them. I have the same problem. It may boil down to wanting to have “control” over things. When we can rescue someone, we can feel we are making their decisions for them, helping them, when in fact, we have to allow them to do this for themselves. It is hard, I know, as it is ingrained.

    I don’t know if this comes from Childhood. I know with me, I had a very traumatic chilhood, I had no control over anything, over my feelings, emotions, no love, nurturing, etc. It has made me into an adult rescuer which I am currently in therapy for. Being the rescuer allows me to have the control, I was not allowed in my childhood.

    There are many great books on this topic you can buy online, rent from the library or purchase from bookstore, as well as help from a qualified therapist. I hope things get better. Please post with any comments or thoughts you may have.

    January 24, 2018 at 7:40 am in reply to: Sad, rejected and lonely on my birthday #188553
    Eliana
    Participant

    Thank you Mark. ☺

    January 24, 2018 at 7:20 am in reply to: Sad, rejected and lonely on my birthday #188545
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Avi,

    Thank you so much for writing. You are right, I had a former sponsor tell me this about my education. That I live in housing, many people are trying to get their GED, or have a high school diploma. I never tell anyone about my college background or degrees there, because I know I will be seen as “different” thus getting rejected. However, zI did “slip up” once and mentioned that I lived close to a particular area because of a University I graduated from. She has been a long time resident there and has a tendency to be somewhat of a gossip. So unfortunately it may have spread. I don’t smoke, but there are alot of cliques that go out and smoke, create drama and gossip. and I’m afraid I might often be the target. I have done nothing wrong there, and have always treated the residents there with love, respect and politeness. However, we have to attend “mandatory groups” to keep our housing there, in the groups participation is required. I have to speak up. Sometimes, the leader of the group will compliment me of my knowledge of something..even though I try to “dumb myself down”  It’s not working. I guess people can tell I have been educated.

    I thought I was starting to make friends in one of my 12 step support programs, that I have phone groups on Sundays. After the phone meetings are over, we have “fellowship” it made me feel good because I had two girls I had fun with and talked to. The one girl was from Spain, so we could not talk on the phone one on one however.The other girl, I thought things were going great in our fellowship. Last night, I got 3 voice mail messages from her, she lashed out at me, at everything I said or did wrong in our last group. It was just trivial things. The voice mails were so full of rage and hateful, I started to cry. It was “Adult Children of Alcoholics” anonymous group. I am a newcomer. I will never attend the phone group again. I was devastated. No matter what, I can’t win. I can’t please anyone. I have given up. I guess I just need to enjoy my own company, and accept the fact, friendships are not in the cards for me. Thanks again Avi. ☺

    January 24, 2018 at 2:53 am in reply to: Depression robbed me of my 12 year relationship #188495
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi, Looking4Hope,

    I have a Doctor’s appointment to get to, but have gone through a situation similar to yours. I have struggled with major depressive disorder, BPD, and anxiety disorder most of my life. I am currently in two 12 step support groups, which have been of immense help (and are free). On medication and therapy. However, this has caused me to have a very difficult time in my romantic relationships. I strongly encourage the Anonymous 12 step support programs. I can’t post the link on here. But you can go on Google and do a search. They have face to face meetings as well as phone meetings, an hour long.

    I am bumping this up, and hopefully someone will respond with ideas or suggestions. You are not alone. x

    January 24, 2018 at 2:38 am in reply to: Do I leave him? #188493
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    I am just reaching out, and seeing how you are doing. Are you feeling any better about things? I hope you will continue to post if you would like with any thoughts or comments. x

    January 23, 2018 at 4:13 pm in reply to: Person I love takes drugs #188385
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi CarolinaVu9,

    It looks like you received some great advice, so I will keep mine short as to not overwhelm you, but have you talked to him about joining “Narcotics Anonymous”. I have heard people who either their boyfriend, wives, etc are in the program and have had great success. You can go to the website (I don’t think I can post it on here) and find a face-face meeting. He can at least go to one meeting. Usually they have it at different days or nights/weekends. I am in an 12 step program myself and feel like a new person, and have a sponsor to help me work the 12 steps. If there are no meetings in your city, there are phone groups on the website, where you call a toll-free number, enter an access code, the meetings are an hour long, and again, are held at different times, days, weekends. Just a suggestion. x

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Eliana.
    January 23, 2018 at 4:04 pm in reply to: Should I keep fighting? #188381
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Jen,

    I hope you will keep posting and let us know what happens with this guy, and if you need additional support. Stay strong. x

    January 23, 2018 at 4:00 pm in reply to: Self Image and Comparisons #188379
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Linevto,

    You probably have so much going for you than any of these other men. Looks don’t matter. 10-15 years down the road, they will be balding, gray hair and wrinkles. This is why you should never compare yourself to others. Just run your own race. Models in magazines that girls envy? They are not happy. Too busy about worrying about being replaced with someone younger. 10 years from now, you don’t see them in magazines anymore. Looks are fleeting. You will make yourself miserable by always comparing in looks. In the end, we all age, what matters is what we have to offer, our values, how we raise our children, our ability to give and receive love. I bet those great looking men only have 1-2 of those qualities. Don’t fall in the comparison trap. You are loveable and that’s all that matters.

    January 23, 2018 at 3:48 pm in reply to: Broke up with married man and it’s devastated me! #188375
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Niya,

    Not a good idea to date a married man. You will never be his first priority. Once I dated a married man, my friends called me a “homewrecker”. I’m sure that’s not what you want for your life. Someone’s secret. So, my only advice on dating a married man, is no..no..and no. Don’t go there. x

    January 23, 2018 at 3:43 pm in reply to: He does not want a commitment and not sure of a future #188373
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi RoxySue,

    You’re welcome. Let us know what happens or keep posting if you need support. x

    January 23, 2018 at 12:34 pm in reply to: Should I keep fighting? #188339
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Jen,

    Have you ever seen a hampster just going around and around on a wheel, trying to get somewhere, but just spinning a wheel? That is what is happening if you stay. You will just keep spinning..getting more and more frustrated. After a year, he should be calling you his girlfriend if he is ready for any kind of relationship. He has hinted many times, he is not. Take his word for it. He is not ready. You deserve someone who is. x

    January 23, 2018 at 12:27 pm in reply to: Do I leave him? #188337
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Katie,

    I know it is hard. He is your first love, you have been through alot together. But you can’t keep stating unhappy either, unfullfilled, in a relationship that is going nowhere. You will find love again. I know you can do this. Do it for your happiness, in time you will get over him, and find the love you deserve, and it will be worth the pain. x

    January 23, 2018 at 12:17 pm in reply to: Is this the end for my 12 years relationship? #188333
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi OakPine,

    I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. Do you know if she has been diagnosed with any type of mental health diagnosis? It sounds as if she might look into clinical anxiet depression and anxiety screening. Especially, if she started recently acting like this during your 12 years together. One minute she she is loving, the next she is not. I feel professional counseling, or stress management/coping skills might help..medication treatment program. Any thoughts? Please post again..

    January 23, 2018 at 12:09 pm in reply to: Telling My Anxiety to Beat It #188325
    Eliana
    Participant

    Did not submit correctly

    January 22, 2018 at 5:49 pm in reply to: My boyfriend doesn't have his shit together. #188203
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Sam,

    This does not necessarily mean he is not a good boyfriend. How old is he? Heck, I can barely balance my checkbook, but there are many other things I can do well, and have to offer. What do you mean when you says he acts like a “frat boy”? This does not mean he does not have it together, but things that can easily be improved. Before ending a relationship on these two things, maybe suggest to him (I am not saying you need to fix him) but maybe he could take a budgeting course. Is he out partying? Drinking too much? Going to bars alot? Bring this up..just tell him, that you would like more together time and suggest more mature things the two of you can do together. The list is endless, go to a play, camping, a long evening drive, to a weekend bed and breakfast, out for a romantic dinner. Hiking, to an observatory and stargaze. A drive to the beach, lake, etc. Maybe just suggest some things and see if his behavior changes, if the relationship is otherwise good, try not to be critical, we all have our flaws, don’t throw the relationship based on these minor flaws. x

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Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 748 total)
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