Hi Malaya,

Yikes! Too much drama with this man..too much turmoil, unstable on his part, chaos, confusion, “she said” “he said”. This is not what you want for your life. You can do better than some ex that just happens to “follow” you on instagram, sending you mixed signals. Stay in your secure, safe and fulfilling relationship with your boyfriend, and I would suggest blocking this drama man from social media and your friends. No contact is your best bet. He is not looking for anything serious. Don’t jeopardize what you have for some internet guy. x

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Eliana.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Eliana.

Sorry for the typo above, should read “commited relationship”

Hi Birdie816,

I too have had my share of verbal and abusive relationships. It seemed to be a re-occurring pattern. I kept vowing to change..that it wouldn’t happen again..but then again..another relationship with a workaholic, a controlling person, an abuser (verbally and emotionally) a narcissist, someone with unresolved mental health issues. It seems that things did not improve until I faced my own painful childhood trauma and PTSD..from an Alcoholic Mother where I was severely neglected, verbally abused, abandoned over and over, rejected. In other words, I was dating men who were my Mother. My father loved me, but he travelled alot, was a workaholic and emotionally and physically distant, so I got involved with men like my father, because that is all I knew. Did you have any childhood trauma that you know if that would attract you to this type of man? I did go through intense Psychotherapy to deal with unresolved childhood issues and am also involved with emotions Anonymous, a 12 step program that deals with this very issue. They have face to face meetings and phone meetings. It is free. It really works. You can Google it if you would like to find out more information, and they also have a website. I hope you will post again with your thoughts. x

Hi GK,

I’m sorry this happened. Believe me, you did nothing wrong. I too have had my share of bad experiences of online dating and dating when men have “friended” me on Social media and it turned romantic..and yes, after several months, I fell in love. It happens to alot of people. Online dating is very complicated and difficult and most often does not work. I had my heart broken over and over again. I have chosen not to take this route again. You never know who is behind the screen. They may be married, lonely and just looking for attention and an ego boost by flirting with women, then they suddenly ghost you and move on to the next victim, and so on. That is why he blocked you..again, nothing to do with you, he didn’t want you to see his activity. Many men are in arranged marriages. They are unhappy and lonely..and just looking for someone to talk to. They lie and say They are single. I once even met a man who was a felon writing me in prison! I did not know this until I used truth finder. I found out his past history and that he had several felonies and currently incarcerated. Yet, he portrayed himself as this great single man who was working and traveled for business. It’s all too complicated, too much drama, ghosting, lies, confusion, blocking and insincerity. Best bet is to meet someone by shared interests, hobbies, volunteer work, etc. x

Hi Ash,

I read a quote once, it said “All of us are broken, but even broken crayons still color the same”. I am wondering, sometimes, we have to surrender, to turn it over. We can’t fix every aspect of our lives. There is a serenity prayer that we use in Emotions Anonymous, a 12 step support program I attend. (I do the phone groups since there are no face-to-face meetings where I live). It says “God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”. In other words, we have to accept things about ourselves we can’t change on our own by willpower, and just turn it over, let it go. We are all like beautiful jigsaw puzzles. All peices, fitting together, one peice at a time, one day at a time. If a peice doesn’t fit, the jigsaw puzzle is not “broken” or “defective” it will eventually fit and it is still beautiful with a missing few peices.

Have you tried a 12 step support anonymous program such as emotions Anonymous? You can Google it. It is an amazing program. No charge. You can find a sponsor though one is not required to help you work the 12 steps. I have been in in for years, and have seen shy, unhappy, broken, emotionally beaten down people turn into hapoy, smiling positive people now in healthy relationships for the first time. The program really does work. x

Hi Heisinberg,

The reason she is not communicating with you, is because she wants some custody of the child. Don’t let her walk all over you. You deserve to have custody or partial custody. Please hire an attorney right away. Let them handle this for you. As your wife will continue her silent treatment as she wants some custody. Don’t let this happen. Fight. Hire a divorce attorney. You deserve to see your child. Good luck.

Hi Miss Healing,

I did not quite understand the sentence about his boss, did that mean, his boss was going out on a date with the two of you? Sorry for any confusion. Also, if he really likes you, I am wondering why he didn’t just mention to his friend, that (especially his best friend) that he feels awkward that his friend would mention to him that he is into you. Be should have set boundaries, saying that he really liked you, and would appreciate if his friend not bring you up in conversations anymore. Also, if he wants to date you, and really likes you, why would he mention his boss? He does not sound very assertive, or has a clear sense of boudaries, or perhaps he is a people pleaser. It sounds like a lot of drama to me so early in the relationship, which is a red flag. I would come right out and ask him, that you feel it put you in an awkward situation about him telling you his friend liked you, and what where does he see himself with you? Does he see you as just friends? Exclusive? His behaviour is confusing and he is sending alot of mixed signals. I would test the waters slowly with this man, especially knowing you like him alot, make sure if his intentions to you. Tell him your feelings. That you prefer your dates where you two are alone together. You are setting boundaries in dating, not being needy. Now, he needs to set boundaries with his boss and friend. If he can’t do this, and keeps up with drama and mixed signals, he is not ready for a relationship. x

• This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Viviana,

Thank you for the compliment about my name, so cool we have the same ones! I don’t see any problem with wanting closure, but be careful with this. Many people think that ending communication will make the person change somehow, like “oh my gosh, I’m losing her! I better clean up my act, change, start testing her like gold, stop lying, stop communicating with my ex, stop sending mixed signals!!. However, this rarely happens, and wanting closure with someone thinking it might scare them to change is mute. They might for a little bit, but without therapy, only they can fix themselves, and and unfortunately they will go back to their old ways. I feel he treated you with dishonesty and disrespect, and I believe in Karma, in other words, no respect in return. Telling him, you no longer want communication with him, is kind of like saying “oh gosh..sorry..but this is not working out, and I wish you all the best” which is showing him respect. I feel he deserves no respect. No communication..in other words ghosting. No further contact. He deserves no “goodbyes, no closure, no nothing”. But if it gives you closure and makes you feel better, go ahead, but I would not give him the satisfaction of doing it in person, where he might talk you put of it. Just be brief and blunt and send a short e-mail. Once you end it, don’t respond back, no matter how “charming” he might try to be. x