Hi Lisa,

I know you wrote this white a while ago, but I read it, and I too, had a horrendous, lonely, yratraumatic, neglectful, childhood, verbal, emotional and physical abuse, being left alone to fend for myself, while my Mother went on drinking binges.

I I have dated, but due to chronic mental illness and emotional issues, I really feel I haven’t as my relationships..the three that I had (I am 55 now) were extremely chaotic, turbulent and short-lived. I too live a lonely life. I think my intensive DBT therapy and my 12 step support groups have been a lifeline for me. I think I can help you, if you will let meme. I hope you will come back and post again. We have very similar life experiences.

Hi Karene,

I am new on here, and see that you have gotten some great replies. I just had to break-up with someone myself, and it was one of the most painful things I have had to do. I won’t make this a long reply, just seeing if you are okay, and if you still needed to talk about anything. I hope you are okay.

Hi Justthere,

Keep posting if you can and let us know how things are going. I am always here if you just need to talk, as well as other awesome supportive people. I think you are doing the right thing. I know it will be extremely hard, I have been there..but you never know what’s just around the corner..maybe a opportunity for a new and healthier relationship..

Hi Heather,

From your post, this going back and forth has been going on an awfully long time. So, I will make my reply short, and let me know what you think.

Do you think if you two were meant to be together, it would have happened by now? There are too many great men out there who after a few months of really dating you, and really wanting to get to know you, without all these staring games, they are out there and they want to be with you! I would let this dead-end guy go, and focus on a man who is ready and willing to take you out on a date, and after a few dates, he can stare into your eyes romantically, wondering what it would be like to kiss you. Yes, they are great men out there like that. Let me know what you think.

Hi Troy,

I think the self – help books sort of psyched you put in a way. Let me know what you think. Many of them are outdated. They put too much expectations on people. I think positive affirmations are okay up to a point, but in truth, they are not reality. We just can’t be all this and all that all the time. For example, if someone suffers from chronic debilitating depression, it’s like telling them “snap out of it! And just be happy! You can choose to be happy, so just be happy!.

Would we tell that to a friend who struggles with schitzoohrenia, borderline personality disorder, manic depression, etc? These are real illnesses and can’t be willed away. It is an illness that is helped by Psychotherapy, DBT therapy, Atypical antipsychotics medications, antidepressants, intensive outpatient or hospitalized therapy etc. We can’t choose to “be happy” and “awesome” all the time, we are not wired that way, and I don’t want to be that way. We all have our flaws, vulnerabilities, and when we show our vulnerabilities to another person, that is what makes us loved. No one likes a perfect person, or someone pretending to be who they are not. Try to not think about those books anymore because they are not reality and too restrictive, and many people do not find constant positive affirmations helpful, research has shown. Just keep being who you are,  do things you like and not what other people like, things that take the pressure off, and good things will start to happen.

This is a great topic that a lot of people struggle with including me. I think being in a 12 step program (I am now on step 11) has really helped me. I think it really started in my early childhood. I was neglected terribly by an Alcololic mother, and although my Dad loved me very much, he had to travel so much for his work, not knowing my mother would leave me and my siblings alone while she went on drinking binges. Luckily we were taken away from her By the courts, but the damage had been done.

I remember, if I tried to be a perfect little girl and not cry or ask for anything, and keep my room clean, my Mom might not leave to go to a bar and just maybe, I could get her to love me, which never worked. Or if I pleased my Dad, he would not leave so much to travel and I would get more love and affection from him. That’s how it all started. I needed validation from others that I was okay, worthy and a loveable or at least a likeable person.

I think the key is to do things that make you feel good about yourself. When you do this, you will not feel you need to be the nice guy or likeable, because you are already feeling good about yourself without pleasing anyone else.

Try to stay away from toxic people or avoid them as much as you can, because you will find the urge to please or gain their approval as well. When you are around people who love themselves, they will spread that love into the universe and others including you, and you won’t feel the desire to please them.

You already know you are a nice guy, so there are always going to be people out there that don’t like you or approve of what you say or do. Research has shown that at least 50 percent of people are not going to agree with us. I learned this whole obtaining my Psychology degree. And that is their problem not yours. If someone disagrees, just say that’s okay that we don’t agree, we are just different and let it go, don’t fight or argue with them, it never works.

Set boundaries. Start slowly. Its easy for people pleasers to always want to help other’s, and they end up not knowing how to say no to requests, then they get resentful. So start slowly, it’s okay to say no. People will be okay with that, they will understand you have other obligations, if not, you don’t need them in your life, so try to avoid people who drain your emotions, and energy and just sort of suck the life out of you, by always expecting you to be there.

Try to need and reach out to other people for help too. This way, people will understand that you too, have struggled and needs and they will back off. I hope this helps.

Thanks, Anita, I actually posted my response because I wanted WildOceanflower to know that there is someone out there like me who can relate. Although, I never met this man in person, I too, envisioned everything with him..marriage, children. I know I shouldn’t have, and like WildOceanflower, there is not a day that goes by where I don’t think about him. My life too, is at a standstill. I had a great life when I met him, then after things were broken off, my life went downhill. I got into a bad car accident. Totalled my beautiful car, for evicted from my three bedroom apartment, now I live in HUD housing, in a small town. Most of my friends have abandoned me.

My father just passed and the last of my family, my 1/2 sister passed last year. I feel lonely, empty, like there is nothing left for me. I am in intensive therapy for all of this and 12 step programs, that are helping. One is for Trauma for now and my neglectful childhood and the other is co-dependent anonymous. Anyway, your posts and advice has been helping me alot and I am rooting for you WildOceanflower. Stay strong. We can do this. Again, I apologize, If I interrupted anything. I am new on here.

Hi Rich,

I think it’s great that you have taken time for yourself, and you should be very proud of your accomplishments of going to graduate school. I was in a similar situation myself. I dropped out of a community college when I was 22. I was too young emotional for the pressures of studying, and I was engaged at the time and living with a man, and unfortunately the relationship turned very rocky and turbulent, because I was too emotionally immature to handle the demands of a relationship as well. All I wanted to do, was go to the beach and bars and party with my friends.

When I moved to Seattle, I was about 31, I decided to finally improve myself and although it took a very long time, I finally completed my AA degree. I had no emotional support from my family or even my friends. I felt very isolated. I didn’t date at all. I then decided to keep going and finally got my BA degree when I was 40 years old. I had to have my degree mailed to me, because no one would come to my graduation. I then started on graduate courses but did not finish as depression kicked in hard and I could not finish.

I would not put too much pressure on yourself to look at things in terms of “dating”..rather..maybe meeting someone, perhaps at an event at your college. Instead of thinking to your self of it being a “date” and “rejection” think of it as finding a new friend in a woman and looking forward to something you both have in common, without looking at it as “a date”. Do they have football games, soccor, basketball, or something you would ask a friend out to? That way you won’t think of it as a “date” or possible rejection. Or maybe you could ask her (someone you might be interested in) if you would like to meet at a coffee bar or espresso bar before class in the morning. Something that is casual and not intimidating and a college campus is perfect for that. When you start getting your self worked up about it being a date, just take some deep breaths, take a step back, and tell yourself you are just going out with a new friend. It will take the pressure off. Use guided imagery. Imagine it going well, the two of you are getting along great and have alot in common. Don’t think about anything like kissing, holding hands, just friends only at first to try things out, and just let things happen. I hope it works for you. Keep us posted.