Hi H,

Can you do me a favor? When you get some time. Write down columns on a peice of paper. There is no time limit or deadline to give yourself, think of it as healthy homework for your mind, and positive energy. As days go by, or maybe week, two weeks, keep filling up those columns. It’s alot of thinking but worth the effort.

First column: Title it:

1. What are my strengths? What have people told me I do well? What have people told me about my physical appearance, that I have a nice smile? That I have nice eyes? That I’m good with children? Good with animals? Am I dependable? Am I a good friend? Am I caring? Am I thoughtful, remember people’s birthdays, etc. Am I a giving person? Am I good at Basketball, football, tennis, chess, trivia games, etc. Am I funny?
2. 2nd Column: What do I love about myself? Am I kind? Polite? Considerate? A good driver? Good at Athletics? Love to be around children and/ or animals? Do I make people laugh? Do I call people to check up on them if they are sick? Do I volunteer or help others? What did I love to do as a child that made me happy? Paint? Draw? If I did these things now, that made me happy as a child, how would it make me feel about myself? Am I a good friend? A good cook?

This is how you love yourself, and gives you security in yourself. When you see all the great qualities other people have told you, or you feel about yourself, is a great beginning to loving yourself, and these qualities are what makes a woman love you, for who you are. Lastly, never think you have to be clingy, desperate or try so hard to have a relationship, or you Psych yourself out. Look at all your wonderful qualities. Put them in sticky notes everywhere around, In your kitchen, your bathroom mirror, wherever you will see it every day. Gradually, you will begin to see yourself as a wonderful human being with so much to offer. All you have to do is believe it.

Hi Chelsea,

Just listen to your heart and your gut. Try not to let anxiety, doubt, friends, the past cloud your judgement. Just concentrate on this man, not on heresay and gossip. Even our best friends can accidentally be inaccurate. Keep us posted.

Hi Chelsea,

Have you ever heard the term “too many cooks in the kitchen, spoils the pot” (or something, like that). This is what is happening in your case. There are too many people, making too much confusion. You said you have had “trust issues” in the past which does not help matters, but you can’t let your past ruin your future.

This man may be telling you the truth. There is no lack of evidence he is not. It’s all pettyness, texting, “he said, she said” on the part of your friends and not him. They may be jealous because you have a boyfriend, or they just like to create drama and trouble.

You need to take out the “trash” for awhile, while you are in a new relationship with this man. That means, Try to just be with him, and not get sucked in by all this “she tested so and so, he said, He didn’t, she said this” it creates needless conflict on the relationship, because it’s just words and not based on fact. Try to not be around them for awhile when you are with this man. Just focus on him..not on drama, fair weather friends, petty stuff, etc. Instead of always texting or e-mailing, call him on the phone. Don’t talk to the gossipers about him. If you have to be with him, don’t talk about him. You will find better communication and a healthier relationship with him, by throwing out the trash for a little bit, and just focusing on you and him. Keep us posted.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Tavo,

I’m so sorry you are going through this, and how long you have gone through this with this girl..the hoping, the fantasizing, the waiting, but how long can you do this and not completely drive yourself crazy? Something has to give. You have waited and waited and invested so much time on someone who has invested no time in you, and continues to tell you, she does not want a relationship. I understand you love her, but at what cost to your emotional and mental health? Something has to give, there has to be a day very soon, when you say “enough” “I am done” “I deserve love, I am a great person with alot to offer and deserve peace once and foreall instead of all this inner turmoil, making you so miserable.

Your whole being, life, world is wrapped in a fantasy of this woman. She has stated over and over she does not see a relationship in her future for whatever reasons she has. Are you going to wait another 10 years and waste your life on someone who will never love you, when in the meantime, you are missing equally beautiful, talented, etc women that want a man like you? You have to decide when enough is enough and just tell yourself that it is time to get all this stuff out of your head about her and move on, towards a brighter future and healthy, real relationship. Best to cut off all contact with her. She is only out for herself. Find someone who deserves you. Keep us posted.

Hi Koala,

You’re welcome. Please keep us posted.

Hi Koala,

In order for a relationship to be healthy when it comes to resolving issues it has to be 50/50. Right now, it is 100/0. You are investing so much time and energy in this man..100% and he is investing nothing. (0%). His family is not making matters any better, which makes it a no-win situation. He wants to push things under the rug, act juvenile, not talk to you in a mature and rational manner, you can talk to him until you are blue in the face, and unless he wants help from counseling for underlying unresolved issues, you will soon burn yourself out.

I would tell him firmly, that nothing is going to change until he is willing to meet you half way. You can’t do this on your own. What he is doing right now is disrespecting you and not meeting your needs to be heard and have a mature conversation. It may be wise to advise him, to maybe take a break from each other for awhile, until he can relate to you like an adult, 50/50, or the relationship most likely will not last. He needs to do his part. You should not invest more time and energy in someone then they invest in you.

Hi Anon,

I see alot of red flags in your post. You stated, he does not want to spend the time with you as much as he used to, and now it has gone from several times a week to maybe once a week. He is trying to break things off by saying “he is not good enough for you” and he also is very young and has many conflicts going on in his life with family, etc, that it is almost impossible, to maintain a healthy relationship.

You have made him your whole world, your everything as you say, and that is not healthy, that is co-dependent. I understand he is your first love, but you need to have other interests outside of him, or he will feel smothered, that may be Another reason he is saying he does not want to hurt you, because he knows he is your whole world and life and that is not healthy for either of you.

You need to develop a sense of security outside of him. A love for yourself, independence from him, female and male friends, church activities perhaps, volunteer work, hobbies, just time away from obsessing over him. Men don’t want someone who is clingy and makes them their whole world, it is smothering. He also states he does not love you the way he used to, and this has been a familiar pattern with his ex’s where he is so in to leave him when they become attached.

I think people no matter how much in love they are at first, drift apart, even first loves. We want everything to be “forever” but sadly this is not so. You mentioned he loves you, but does not want to be with you. All these are red flags that at this time he is unable to have a relationship with you, because his feelings are not like they used to be, and no matter what you do, you can’t change his feelings. I would just give him the space he needs to figure things out. Don’t contact him. Maybe he might contact you..maybe. But in the meantime, work on loving yourself, building a solid foundation of self-love, hobbies, outside interests, etc, so that you can find love and a healthy relationship. Keep us posted.

Hi Connie,

We all make mistakes in relationships. Please try not to be so hard on yourself. There are probably some things he did wrong too. I think the way to forgive yourself, is knowing and accepting your flaws and working on them. For example, if you feel you are going to lose control of your emotions, take a time out, go for a walk, excuse yourself, and never send a text or e-mail when you are angry,

Try to work on not criticizing or scrutiny. If you feel you are going to say something hurtful, ask yourself, if someone were to say it to you, and how you would feel. Take deep breaths and regain control of your emotions. I am prescribed Topamax for emotion regulation by my Psychiatrist, and it has been a Godsend, as I have lashed out too, and sabatoge my relationships. Forgive yourself by joining a anger management support group, or emotions Anonymous, or therapy to help you cope better in the heat of the moment and in times of distress, so your future relationships can be happy and healthy.