Hi Katie,

I too, have the same difficulty. If it is okay, can you tell me a little about your early childhood and what it was like? If you don’t feel comfortable, talking about it, it is okay. I know many of my insecurity came from severe trauma, abandonment and neglect by an Alcoholic mother. I also was very emotionally and verbally abused by her. My father, although he loved me very much, had to travel alot for business, so he was always “leaving” me too. I’m my early years, I remember crying, hanging on to his leg begging him not to leave me (and my siblings) and he would say “now Eliana, Annabelle (Nanny he employed that loved us) will play with you and take you to kindergarten and take good care of you!” little did he know my mother would come home drunk on one of her drinking binges and fire Annabelle leaving my siblings and I alone in a large home or in a flea bag model room. We were taken away from her by the courts, but the damage had been done.

SI have never been able to maintain a healthy, long term relationship. I always do something to sabatoge it. Luckily, I have done aalit of work in long term intense inpatient and outpatient therapy as I also have several mental health diagnosis. I was in REMT for awhile for severe childhood trauma, then I was in long term Psychotherapy, and now I get help from a social worker with DBT and CBT therapy. I am finally getting healthier, choosing healthier relationships, starting to live myself and am in 2 12 step anonymous support programs, one is Co-dependents Anonymous, the others is emotions Anonymous. I have also read several books that I bought on Amazon dot com on sabatoging relationships and how to end the cycle, rejection and abandonment issues. Feel free to e-mail me and I can give you the name of the books. But in my case alot of my issues and neediness came from early childhood unresolved issues. Some people had a great childhood but just have insecurity, many people do in the beginning of relationships because they feel unsure and unsafe. They don’t know where they stand. I would have a talk with him to see what he is wanting such as a relationship, and where he sees you in his future. Keep us posted.

Hi Hemingway,

I think it’s all about “trial and error” until you find the right one. It took me a long time to find the right one, but I have several different mental health diagnosis, so I had to focus on one that had expertise on DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) and CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy). Many people prefer to see Psychologists that “only” have a doctorate, but sometimes having a Doctorate degree does not mean they will be the best fit for you. They are also very expensive.

I have found the LSW (Licensed Social Workers) or (LISW) Licensed Independent Social Workers are very good because they are well trained on a variety of mental health issues or just “talk therapy” and not so expensive and it is easier to get in to see one.

If you are looking at perhaps changing “negative thinking, then CBT, (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) may be good for you, and social workers are very good at that. Psychiatrists these days only write out prescriptions and rarely do talk therapy anymore, rather more of an assembly line where with managed care can only spend 15 minutes with a patient.

I would ask other people if you know of any, if they can refer you, or you can look under reviews from people about a social worker or Psychologist on the internet. Some will even offer “free” consultations. Make sure they have several years of experience. The best thing is that you feel at ease and are compatible with them.

Hi Sissy,

I am also very much alone. I am 55, have always been “the blacksheep” of my family due to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression. So I’m my twenties, thirties and forties, my “family” what little I did have, really wanted nothing to do with me, through no fault of my own. I always felt out, like I was on the outside looking in at family renions. They were hostile to me, belittled me, finally, I just stopped going to family reunions, and the only “family” I had was my Father who passed in 2008.

II have no children, due to mental illness, have never been able to sustain a healthy long term relationship. I don’t have a boyfriend, have not been asked out on a date in what seems decades. I live in a small town, it’s mostly all married people. So, I feel very lonely alot and very much alone.

I then joined a social club called “Partners in Prime” for people 55 and over. I started to meet some nice people, but I am on disability, and have no transportation, so it was difficult to get there as often as I wanted, but it was a start. Unfortunately, the building they were in that I walked to, was bought out, and they moved to a retirement center 15 miles away. I was really sad and felt even more lonely.

Next week, I am going to go to an orientation to volunteer at an animal shelter as I love animals. Again, it’s about 6 miles away, but I will try to have faith, that I can find rescources for transportation to volunteer there. My only other company is a girl I see about 2 hours one week night to watch a movie with..so, yes, like you, I feel very much alone.

Is there any volunteer work you might like to do? Or a social club you can join? There is a hospital here in town, and they are always looking for volunteers to play games with patients who too, are very lonely, or someone to work at a gift shop.

Hi Christina,

Have you ever heard of the book called “I hate you, don’t leave me?”. It’s a book I have read, and mostly a book given by therapists for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. Or other Personality Disorders. They say things impulsively one moment, then beg for you to show them attention, Chase them, only to push you away again.

I was this person. I sabatoge many of my relationships this way. I had very poor self-esteem, poor coping skills, unable to communicate under distress, said things out of impulsiveness, only to take it back, it was awful. I finally got on emotion regulation medication and am in intense therapy, such as DBT.

Your ex or boyfriend shows many signs of someone with BPD. Has he ever mentioned to you he has mental illness? Has he ever been in therapy? It sounds to me, he May love you, but may have a personality disorder, or perhaps ADHD, it makes it very hard for these people to communicate, they act in a childish manner when you try to communicate with him.

Perhaps, if he was willing to look into therapy, it might help him to resolve some underlying issues of his behavior. Keep us posted.

Hi Connie,

I guess, I have a different perspective, I really don’t think he is “punishing you” based on one sentence of “suffering” in his e-mail. I have read his e-mail to you three times carefully, and this is clearly a man in love. He is not playing any games the way I see it. The letter he wrote you is beautiful and raw. Clearly a letter of someone in pain and deeply in love. Whatever you decide, I hope you will keep us posted on the outcome.

Hi Rox,

I remember your earlier e-mails about him,,about the beautiful way he was toward you. I do think it is wrong after only 4 months of dating that someone tells you “you are the love of their life” because then you see a “happily ever after” with them, and I felt he led you on with false hope way too soon in the relationship.

I would say, he wants to move on. There is nothing more you can do or say. I don’t think at this point, while you are emotionally charged, that being “friends” with him is a good idea, as he has made it clear, no chances of getting back together. I would just take this time to work on yourself, emotional outbursts, etc, so it does not get in the way of a future relationship. I was hoping he would think you are getting some help with emotional issues and try to reconcile, but for whatever reason, he seems to want to move on. I would not contact him anymore, as this will only provide further disappointment for you. I’m so sorry about all this. I know how much you loved him.

Hi Ashley,

I wanted to reply to your first e-mail, and the title of your thread “when will things get better”?

But your 2nd post confused me, and I’m not sure if you are still wanting advice? Is your 2nd post saying things “are better” now?