Hi dreaming715,

I really admire you. You have alot more emotional maturity and stability then I did at your age. I was alot like your boyfriend. In my early 30’s, I really was not too sure what it really was I wanted. On one hand, I wanted love, being in love, the giddyness. Like you, my friends had pretty much settled down, had kids, husband, houses, etc..while I had a few friends who like me still were into the club scene, dating, going to concerts, comedy clubs, internet dating, beach bonfire parties, staying out till the bars closed then going to a diner afterwards for breakfast and staying there till 4am.

I had been engaged to my first love when I was only 19. We moved in together after only six months together, deeply in love. At 19, way too soon. Had no idea what I wanted. After I moved in with him..it seemed we became “roommates” gone were the cute and romantic things he did for me. Gone were the roses he always sent to me, the “surprise” weekend getaways” everything. He just changed into someone I did not know. After I moved in, I guess he knew he “had me” and so why did he have to put in any effort anymore? But Again, I was too emotionally immature, wanting to party, do the club scene, beach parties, community college parties, etc. He was the one wanting to settle down. Because he stopped putting effort in, I would play “games” and try to “win” his attention by making him jealous, as he was a very jealous person..little did I know at my age it was a toxic relationship. He also cheated on me, yet I forgave him. I would ask him to join my friends and I, but he declined. He would then make plans with his friends, and never include me. We were basically roommates. The same thing happened when I moved in with a man I was very much in love with. Six or seven month into the relationship He asked me to move in. I did, and I made the same mistake I did when I was 19. Moved in with a man without having a wedding ring on my finger. Him saying, he wanted to just live together, see how it worked it, and that someday, he saw a bright future with me. Again, the roses stopped, the cute, romantic cards stopped, being taken out for romantic dinners, being cooked for, or having candlelit dinners together. After I loved in, he would work very long hours at the office. I would cook us dinner, and sit and watch the food getting cold, the bottle of wine in the ice bucket getting warm, the candles dripping wax. At 10:30pm. I called him at work. Said he was “just finishing up”..I just said thanks, your dinner is on table and hang up on him. Then go to bed and pretend I was asleep when he got home. So, the reason I shared all of this with you, is that research has shown that couples who move in together before marriage have a higher separation and divorce rate, than couples who wait until they are married before moving in together.

From the sound of your post, him going out to festivals, etc with his friends and not including you, and giving you a vague “wait and see” usually does not work. I have been there. I would give it a time limit, or he will settle in with “living with girlfriend with benefits”. You will be waiting and waiting for a ring, which may never come. If no ring within a year, talk to him, and tell him it is time to deepen the commitment, you did not move in to be his roommate. Don’t play the “waiting” game, as you will grow more and more frustrated and resentful. I hope it all works out. x

Hi Tonorli,

I am thinking that while he is traveling, maybe he has had time to think about things, and his inviting you to visit him leads to to believe that maybe his feelings for you may have turned more romantic. You will never know unless you ask him. If not, you will always be unsure, and doubting his feelings and intentions. Just think of it as what do you have to lose? It sounds like you really like him, so why not just plunge in, and ask him again his feelings and intentions toward you. Be honest with him, and let him know you feel he is giving you mixed signals. If he still gives you “just want to be friends talk” than at least you will know..

Hi Plotinus,

It looks like you received alot of great advice, but I am wondering, since you are interested and passionate about academics, why not work in the college or school you are in? When I was in college, I worked in the financial aid office, helping first time students navigate Stafford loans, grants, etc. I really enjoyed it, since I had been through the process, and it gave me great enjoyment helping others through my experiences. I also worked as a teaching assistant in a research and statistics class, and then I worked helping new students pick what classes they needed to take. It gave me a great deal of satisfaction and purpose. It’s not the best paying, but I was happy, and that’s what matters. Good luck.

Hi Annya,

I always feel honesty is the best policy, and I am sure he would understand if you told him, you really wanted to, but you were caught off guard, nervous that day, distracted by your friend and that you would really enjoy getting a cup of coffee with him and going somewhere to talk. If the place you most often see him is in class, or before class, I would ask him then, or give him your phone number and ask him to call you as you would still be interested in meeting, and you are sorry about what happened the first time. If he is an understanding man, I am sure he will appreciate your honesty. The reason he is darting out of class, is because he might be feeling awkward after being rejected.

Hi foofoobunny,

It sounds to me, like it was a co-dependent relationship. That you made him your life and the center of your universe. As women, we tend to have this tendency, and we lose our selves, and expect the man to be our only means of entertainment, support, validation, etc. This can be, like you said very racing to them, no man can live up to these expectations and they will soon bail. Like you said, a man, can’t be happy with you, until you are happy with yourself first, meaning, having your own interests, no drama, having friends, passions, goals, dreams, maybe volunteer work. Only then, when you are engaged in this, you will attract a healthy stable relationship. There is a great book, a best selling book. Has been out for a long time. Updated every year, it’s called “Co-dependent No More” by Melody Beattie. I hope it will help you, as it has helped me and others break free of this pattern.

Hi k.k.

I would not worry about it too much. He probably does not remember. You can’t change the past. But just live in the present, and the present are feelings of protection and love for him, and that is all that counts.

I have seen in families where older siblings, show their siblings who are about 7 years old porn magazines or vulgar pictures on the internet. In this day and age, kids are exposed to anything. Especially being on the internet. I would not worry too much about it.

Hi FFTOLA,

I think you made the right decision. She was not available and had a boyfriend. She should not have “teased you” by saying you both should catch up..then you don’t hear anything back from her. This is very disrespectful behavior to you. It all sounds like too much drama on her end and too complicated, and you deserve better. You did your best trying to reach back to her. I don’t think what she did was right.

Even though she said her and her boyfriend were “different” does not mean she does not still love him. Let’s say you were to unblock her, again..the same thing..she would be liking your pictures, insincerity, and you would become frustrated once again. I think you are doing the right thing by “no contact” maybe there might be a chance if she breaks up with her boyfriend, but if she does, she needs to call you, instead of sending you “likes” and texts on Social media which seem very impersonal.