Hi FearandShame,

I too suffer from intrusive and very painful emotions. I am on Citalopram which is an SSRI antidepressant for intrusive thoughts, and it has helped immensely. I am also on Topamax for emotion Regulation, and in intensive therapy for PTSD for severe neglect, constant abandonment, rejection and verbal abuse I had as a child. You can find a clinic that is subsidized, it goes according to your income. I am on Medicare and am on Social security Disability. I go to a subsidized clinic where I see a Psychiatrist, therapist and case manager, and I have never had to pay anything, as I am below the poverty level. There is hope and help.

Hey Danielle,

So often, people with anxiety, and other mental health disorders (myself included), psych ourselves out, and then inadvertently sabatoge anything good that comes out way, meaning a great man. Is there any way at all, just be with him one day, and just tell yourself “I’m not going to think about my anxiety, my OCD, my past, I will not let my past affect my future”, I have a wonderful man, and today, nothing is going to stop me from enjoying my day with him. I’m going to have a wonderful and fun day with him, I’m going to laugh and share funny stories and jokes with him, I won’t get inside my own head. The sun is shining, I will only be aware of the present, I have it good! I have a loving boyfriend, when do many people don’t”.

Each time before you see him, mentally prepare yourself and say this. You will eventually visualize it, when we visualize things in our mind and practice this, it comes true. Any time an anxious or negative thought comes through, just keep replacing it with “I’m going to have a fun day/evening, I’m going to laugh and have a great time and will only think about the fun I am having with this great man. Believe it! Don’t let anxiety win. I hope it all works out for you.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Eliana.

Hi Sophie,

Don’t be quick too overanalyze this, or think that because you leave him notes and he doesn’t do the same, does not mean he does not love you. Men and women have different ways of commicating their love. Women are more of the “nurturing type” where they want in depth heart to heart conversations. They want flowers and chocolates and love letters, etc. Men on the other hand show their love in different ways. Maybe, it’s helping with the household chores, bringing you cold medicine when you are sick with the flu. Filling your car with gas, fixing your car, telling you they love you, complimenting tou, holding the door open for you, and other ttokens of affection we take for granted.

There is a great book called “The 5 Love Languages” a best selling book by Dr. Gary Chapman. I read it, every time I enter a new relationship. Men do things that are special to make women feel loved, and Women do things special in a different way to make men feel loved. Too often, couples give up on each other if their ways of showing love are not “exactly the same.

Some women or men would rather have “words of affirmation, hearing the words “I love you” are important. Insults can leave you shattered and not easily forgotten.

Others like “quality time”. Being there for this type of person is critical, it makes the significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism. The receiver of the gift thrives on love, thoughtfulness and effort behind the gift. A missed birthday, anniversary, would be disastrous, so would be the the absense of everyday gestures.

Acts of service: Can Vacuuming the floors be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything someone does to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on “acts of service” person will speak volumes. The words she or he might want to hear is “let me do that for you”. Laziness, broken commitments tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical touch: This language isn’t all about the bedroom. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, thoughtful touches on the arms, face, shoulder, can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care and love. Physical presence is crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Another great book I recommend on the different ways men and women communicate, is the book “Women are from Venus, men are from Mars. I hope this gives a little insight. Keep us posted.

Hi Sophie,

Do you think it may be infatuation? In your post you stated “he is so, so, so, hot” and “I’m in Awe of him, yet I feel that something is missing. Can you elaborate on that? Do you think you just placed him on a pedestal, and idealized him, and see him as “all perfect”?

What might be missing is love, connection, emotional bonding that you are really wanting, but just not getting from him, because you are focusing on his physical aspects and allowing it to consume you. I also don’t like what he said when you asked him if he was ready for a committed relationship, and he said he wants to focus on other things. When you get back from traveling, he may still want to focus on other things. Telling you ” when you get back we will be together, have a future together” is like not really wanting to talk about having a committed relationship. Why in “the future” and not now? It sounds like he does not want to deal with things and sweep in under the rug. I see alot of red flags. Let me know your thoughts. Keep us posted.

Hi Peyton,

Maybe you both need some space to figure things out, and regroup. Keep us posted.

Hi Ace,

You *can* function without him, because you functioned very well before you met him. Even when men treat us bad, unfortunately, we tend to defend them, saying “yes, but he was a good guy”..but he wasn’t. No good guy would treat a woman the way he treated you. I think it will just take to see this, as you are still emotionally charged and attached to him.

As time goes on, anytime you think of a memory of him, think of all the demeaning things he said to you. Have hope, have hope for the future, a better one where you will have a healthy, loving stable relationship with a mature, loving respectful man who puts you first and values you. I would like to recommend a book that really helped me, I really hope you will read it, called “Co-dependent no more”. I too get in co-dependent relationships, that are unhealthy, with therapy, It has helped alot. There is also a 12 step program I am in (I do the phone groups only), called Co-dependents Anonymous. A wonderful program.

Hi Dreaming715,

I had this happen to me to when I was on Facebook. I since deleted my profile, as I have never liked Social media. But my first love from 35 years ago friend requested me! I accepted his friend request. I guess he was just showing off his lifestyle to me. When I met him, he did not have alot of money (we were only 19). I told him no matter what, I would always be proud of him, I didn’t care about money, just him.

He was always envious though because I came from a well-to-do family. When we were dating, I was living in a condo on the beach, near my Dad, who lived in a Penthouse on the beach and with his long-time girlfriend. He was always in the “society pages” he was CEO of a huge Paper company, had a beautiful car, his best friends collected rolls royces, we went to the finest restaurants. He did not like that.

So he friended me, I think to show me that he had gone far in life. He had a nice suit on, with several other men in the picture, also wearing nice white suits, he was holding a baby which I assumed was his grandchild. He knew I never had children. He also posted picture of a jaguar and other nice cars and a beautiful house. He knows I no longer have the condo, or live the life I once lived. When he “friended” me, he didn’t say a word to me. I waited several days and nothing, not even a “”hi”. So I unfriended him with a curt message of “I hope you found what you were looking for”. So, I am baffled and there could be so many reasons are ex’s friend us. I ended up blocking him.

Hi Ace,

It is very normal to go through a grieving process. It took me a very long time to get over my ex, and I wasn’t with him that long. Don’t try to suppress your thoughts, it will only make things worse. Allow yourself time to process your emotions, and healing. Sometimes, it’s the nostalgia and memories of that person, and “what could have been” that keep us thinking about them. Every time you think of the good memories, think of all the times he did not treat you well, you broke up for a reason.

You are still very young, and just because you are forty does not mean you can’t enjoy life being single without a man. Take some time for yourself, hobbies, join a support group, volunteer at an animal sanctuary, take some classes, go to singles dances, bible study, etc. In time you will be happy again, and when men see you happy with yourself, they will graviate towards you. Keep us posted.