Thanks for your kind words Malley. The word ‘soultie’ seems very apt. It does hurt a lot. But I guess I did the right thing. Please do see the message I’ve posted above to know more about my feelings presently.

Yes, I do keep re-reading all of our communications to assure myself that I did the right thing.

She kept messaging me yesterday and I refrained from replying. Today she went more emotional and flooded my inbox saying she was just looking for a friend who listened like I did and even though her hubby and kids are supportive, she can’t share with them as much as she shares with me and that she is hurt knowing that I don’t want to talk to her. She kept begging and pleading to just be normal and that she won’t pressure me. I know in my heart that this is beyond repair and I have to cut off completely. I refrained from replying for long, till she just kept begging too much. I tried to be polite and said the following:

“I’ve told you respectfully. Let go of me. I’m not chatting for 30-45 days. I’m not going to explain myself anymore. You keep pestering on like this, then I will have no other option but to block you. I’m sorry to say this. You are not helping me recover from my anxiety, stress, by behaving emotional, guilt tripping me. I’ve come to a stage where I’ve got to put my own health above anyone else. Just let go and permit me to get well. You haven’t done anything wrong, barring pulling me down with emotional outbursts. I don’t want niceities or support. If you care, let go. If you are going to blame yourself, I can’t help it. From my side, I can assure you, you haven’t done much wrong. I’m not engaging in a conversation again. I will block. This is the most polite I could be. You are not getting a single more reply from me. My apologies. Thanks. Good bye. Any further misrepresentations, misunderstandings, emotional outbursts, harsh reactions, accusations and actions, it’s all on you. I am not responding. I’ve got to care for myself. Good bye. My apologies again. I wouldn’t even want to explain this much to you, but seeing you being so persistent and desperate is really hurting me. I will block if this continues on.”

This is the best I could do to be firm, but not hurting her as much. She wept apparently, begged me to not block and then kept asking me what she did wrong. I told her she did no wrong. But I didn’t tell her that I have to stop so that I don’t get emotionally attached to her, or ruin her marital harmony. I honestly couldn’t focus on dating or meeting other women, when in the corner of my mind I have the thought that I am or will be attached to her. But I couldn’t say this to her face. Also the guilt of my past will keep haunting me as long as I keep chatting to her. And if she wants to break up with her husband that would be her choice, but I don’t want to be responsible for their break-up or a family being ruined. I had to be out of this ‘affair’ and I think I have done everything within my power to do so. Now all rests in God’s hands. When I did wrong, there wasn’t much difficulty. But doing the right thing hurts. I will lose a loving friend, but I have to do this for her life to be good. And for my own to be good as well. I hope God gives her the courage and strength to get through this. And to me as well.

And I’ve got to appreciate you immensely for the kind of service you are doing. Healing and mending broken hearts, being very kind to them. You truly are a messenger of God. I can’t thank you enough. Please do keep on doing it for all those wounded souls all over this site. May God recognize your kind service and reward you aptly.

I had already mentioned the entire tale a few weeks ago and I have added the link here. But just in case if the link is not working, To tell you in a short manner, we met in one of the online chat rooms, engaged in a little cam fun, then became good friends, watched movies, shared songs, books, problems, all online. We are from different countries. She was married when we met, but she was contemplating divorce back then. Even otherwise I shouldn’t have had any sexual fun (but I was dumb and didn’t think it was a big deal since it was just online. Now I know better and regret it deeply. Feel guilty as hell.) I also came to know her husband is reforming but the girl said she to me she was ‘falling’ for me. I at once made it clear to her, that I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I also started to disengage myself slowly from her. She has already had a tough childhood, was depressed, had several bouts of depression and I was sort of a relief for her (not sexually, I mean I also provided her moral support. 95% of the times it was all just friendly.) She had twice took more than required tabs and ended up in a hospital. She has two kids, a wonderful husband (whom i’m hearing good things about in recent times, but don’t know him personally.) I’m afraid she would harm herself if I continued on. And I don’t want to ruin a good family (more than I already have). She says she is just expecting to be friends. In the past year, we have done nothing inappropriate. I have reformed. She feels me to be special for her. I find her a very good friend, I do care for her, but nothing more. I don’t want a good family to suffer. So I said I won’t be messaging as much as before. But she was clingy and felt offended, as if I had “used” her and thrown her like a toy. I spent several months not knowing what to do. If I behaved friendly again, she might get more attached to me. If I said politely or indirectly that I don’t want anything serious with her, she starts to blame herself as being ‘unworthy’ for me. If I act rough (just to make myself seem a bad guy) I’m afraid she would be devastated. People in the earlier post in this same forum suggested I split from her. My close friends feel the same too and I agree. I have done enough harm. I couldn’t forgive myself. Guilt, Stress, Anxiety have been plaguing me. I pray for all of our well-being and repent for my mistakes. That is all I could do. I am never gonna get into relationships ever again. I am traumatized for life. I cannot contact her husband and it would be wrong if i did. I hope she doesn’t harm herself in any manner.

For more on this, check this link  http://dev.tinybuddha.com/topic/i-made-mistakes-i-cant-fix-them-help/

Thanks. You have indeed been patiently replying. Sorry for being annoying and repetative. It’s just a flurry of emotions. Thanks once again.

Just to cool things off, I told her I needed a break, as I have plenty of stuff to handle with mom’s sickness, financial instability, so on. She says that if I was seeing her as a friend, then real friends don’t take breaks or quit on each other during difficult times, but support each other. But due to my anxiety and stress and my constant work pressure and running about from one job to another, I hardly have time to message and I often forget what I am messaging and saying. Sometimes my work pressures put me in a sad or angry mood. If somebody approaches me at this time, I yell at them impulsively. In real life, most people can visually see that I’m stressed and therefore they refrain from asking me something when I’m down. But since she is only messaging on whatsapp, she can’t see my suffering or mood swings. If I tell her I’m in a bad mood or angry over some work issues, she says that I’m just finding excuses to ignore her. And she starts again with the “You used me and threw me” routine. This increases my blood pressure, guilt and anxiety. Then though I control myself immensely, I sometimes message something roughly (no bad words). She gets offended by this and she feels sad, which increases my anxiety even further. By talking to her, my anxiety does increase because of my guilt and my efforts to not say anything to hurt her. After such a difficult conversation with her, it takes me hours to cool down and most days I end up with a head ache or a racing heart. The next day if I apologize, she again says I treat her badly and like filth. She doesn’t allow me a break but also complains as to how i react due to my external pressures. I also sometimes go to facebook or some social site to spend a minute or two, when I wake up suddenly or when I’m really low, to distract myself. She notices that I’m online on these sites and says “You have time for all those, but you don’t have time for me? You are just trying to avoid or ignore me.” But I hardly spend a few minutes on social websites and I have the liberty to abruptly close those tabs when I want. But could I shut down a conversation or bail out abruptly? That would offend her as well. So just because I wake up for a moment in the middle of the night, could I message her and then abruptly sleep? Or perhaps take a moment from my work when I’m too stressed to browse the internet to relax myself. Could I just start a conversation with her in the middle of work and abruptly end it when I’m back in the mood for work? She won’t understand this and keeps saying I ignore her. I’m afraid to make posts on social websites. I’m afraid to go online. I feel so restricted and constrained.

No issues Yongsua.

This is what that post reads
“Praying is something I’ve been doing for quite some time now. I’ve been praying for her and her husband to get together stronger and better, loving each other. For her kids to be so happy seeing their parents in love. I want her to start trusting her husband and sharing with him everything that she shared with me. I want her to be healthy and emotionally strong. For her to overcome all her childhood traumas. For her dreams of travelling the world come true. For her to find love in her husband. For her to stop thinking about me. For her to not feel hurt by me. For her to forgive me. For God to forgive us both. This is all I could do now.”