Hi Hawk00073,

Thank you for your response. I am very sorry to hear you have been through a similar painful situation but it is wonderful to hear you got through things and life is better for your now. Life as it is now (and has been) is certainly not how I want to live.

Your views are very interesting as they sound similar to what some people close to me have said. Very early on in these troubles a close friend said she felt compelled to sound the alarm because the relationship sounded coercive. My Mother “lost it” when I told her I was in contact with him again, this has put a huge strain on my relationship with her and also with him. My Mother is not always the best gauge however, as she lives with a lot of her own baggage about men and doesn’t always act in a loving way toward me. However, I am aware that people close to me will not see the whole picture and look at it from a “my side”. Sometimes it’s comforting to hear people being protective and validating your feelings of “screw him, what an a**hole”, but it isn’t always the best support you really need. I’m certainly guilty of expressing the hurt and “bad stuff” to people and not the good with the relationship – although it’s hard when so much of the time I have felt awful.

You have read my story and come to some similar conclusions as people close to me, which is very interesting. I cannot help but wonder how much I have influenced this by my narrative. Is what I have written another way of me seeking out validation for MY story, and ignoring his? Is the fact that Anita’s first reactions were ones I had felt, and yours so closely aligned with my Mother and friend, a sign that I am refusing to waiver from my perspective (and so not open to understanding and seeing things from his point of view too)? All this torments me as I cannot feel solid in my feelings. It all seems so muddled.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for reading my post and your response. I really appreciate it.

I understand your comments. I was tormented by this and often over the past 18months have said to him that I am not his reality. He refuses to see this.

I said to him recently when we talked about the past that I consider he had been in a relationship with her until 6 weeks ago (when he finally decided he can commit to me). He doesn’t accept this view point at all. This hurts and I still want to work for him to understand this is how it was for me.

I want to move forward though. I can’t change the past. I want to forgive and build a future – I think. Well I do if it is possible to move past all that happened. I need to learn to trust him and let go of bitterness and resentment. Any advice? Whatever happens I don’t want to hold on to pain and let all this affect my ability to be open to love.

If we are to move forward and build a life together I know I will need to trust that he is in a relationship with me and only me. How do I manage all these feelings from the past? He still maintains that he will always want his ex in his life, they have a “deep bond”. I don’t believe in telling people who they can and can’t be friends with, and I don’t even necessarily think they can’t be friends. But this past period has been awful and I really need him to take responsibility for how his relationship with his ex affected us. And it absolutely cannot continue to do so. It would feel wrong of me to just say I don’t want them to be friends. But there do need to be boundaries and I need me feelings to be taken into account. I don’t know how to approach this!