Hi Anita and Eskimo,

To answer your question, Anita, my parents got divorced when I was 5, and both had several unhealthy and damaging relationships. I felt quite let down by both of them on numerous occasions. I distinctly remember feeling that my dad was very distant and feeling quite unnoticed by him at points, due to the relationships he was in. My mother, on the other hand, has made a string of terrible decisions in her romantic life that I think have kind of eradicated my trust in her. On a couple of occasions she’s committed to relationships that have seemed quite obviously doomed to fail, moved me and my brother in with these people (we lived in like 12 different houses growing up), thrown all her money into these relationships and then freaked out when they inevitably fail. The most recent example of this is when she got divorced last year. I remember once at the age of 17 or 18 having to witness my mum and her partner at the time having a physical confrontation, both of them naked, and my mum shouting at me to call the police. He was not a nice guy, but it emerged that my mum was the one who had instigated the violence. I also have often been put in a position where I have to console my mum and take on a lot of her unhappiness and regret, when these relationships inevitably fail, often in a dramatic, emotionally unhinged kind of way. On top of this I was bullied at school, but never really felt like I could seek any support from my parents about it. I guess I always felt like my dad was too busy with his own shit, and that I had to be strong to support my mum and brother. Although, of course my depression often overrode this, and the situation ended up as everyone worrying about me and me being unable to open up about any of it. I think this sense of isolation is what lead to my addictive relationship with porn and masturbation, and perhaps other addictive relationships I’ve had: with alcohol (luckily, for a very short time), with sex and love, and with cigarettes for example.

To cut a long story short, I think there are a lot of instances in my childhood where I’ve felt surrounded by dishonesty, fear and anxiety. For the sake of full disclosure, there are also a lot of instances in my childhood where I’ve felt surrounded by love and support, but I suppose the balance hasn’t been ideal.

Eskimo – I have read up a lot about HOCD, and it does seem that this applies to my situation a lot. However, having felt a bit better in the last week – I saw my ex a couple of times, we slept together again, and it was all really really lovely – today I’ve been feeling very unsure again. I do believe it’s HOCD, and that it is somehow triggered by a lot my psychological issues due to the kinds of experiences I’ve mentioned above. But when it’s happening it feels so real, I become really really unsure of what I want/who I’m attracted to. I’ve read a lot of people describing HOCD this way, but it’s so hard to quieten the feelings that I have when the anxiety strikes – often quite impulsive sexual feelings that I really don’t want to be having. Why it’s so difficult is that there’s so much doubt involved – when I’m able to explain what’s been happening to me the last few weeks, using the kind of terminology that we’ve used on this thread so far, as soon as I’ve finished the explanation a little voice appears that says ‘but what if that’s not true’. The little voice grows into a big voice, and then I’m right back where I was, fantasising about gay sex, freaking about it, obsessively searching stuff online and often ending up reading about HOCD. It’s a maddening cycle.

Thank you both for your input. This has been a real struggle and I appreciate the support. I really hope that it ends soon and I can go back to being the person I was; I was finally feeling closer than ever to being the person I want to be, which is something I have worked very hard for. The fact that that’s all kind of gone now is the the most upsetting thing about this really…