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JobebeeParticipantMy question is am I being too sensitive about his response to my career hopes? I was totally gutted and miserable when he rained on my parade. xx
JobebeeParticipantHeya Lucy,
First off, it sounds like you’ve had a tough 6 years, so be nice to yourself, take the time to do the things you love by yourself… reading, swimming, singing, yoga, running… whatever it may be, make sure you do it!. You’re allowed to have a crush on someone, it’s human instinct. So don’t beat yourself up, it’s not like you were in a happy marriage. secondly, if you’re not happy, you have the power to change it. Look after yourself first. Maybe get some distance from both guys? find yourself and your feet again, and if the guy likes you as much as you like him, he’ll still be there 🙂
xxxx good luck and all the best! xx
JobebeeParticipantWow thank you all so much for your advice. I wasn’t expecting such a great amount of feedback, what an amazing community.
I have tried to take at least one point from all of your posts to think about and work on. Fundamentally, I do have low self esteem and have spent a lot of time on this in the past, and will continue to develop and work on for years to come (I do yoga, swimming and surfing really helps me). I think I am only still here through comfort, I do love him, but not in the same way I suppose. His personal comments have become too personal. Moongal I found your post hard and distressing to read, but I suppose that’s because you’re right on the money. And Sanna, Jack, big Blue, Inky and Matt thanks for your compassion, yet clear and obvious advice. It is obvious isn’t it, what I should do… when I read my post back (pretending it’s someone else) I know exactly what I would say to that person-pretty much what you have said to me.
Aarti thank you so much for you’re post. You are such a strong woman to still be in this situation. I think we can both learn something from each other. I know I can’t say that much as we’re in a similar situation, but please do not waste anymore time with that man. He’s no man, he’s a manipulator. Let him stop eating for a bit etc, those actions are up to him, not you. Please be free and take your daughter with you. You both deserve better, so so so much better. And I’ll tell you what, I will try to do the same.
I know what I want. The thought of staying with this guy makes me feel depressed and anxious. Don’t get me wrong he is an alright guy, very generous, but I definitely do not want to be here forever. I suppose that says a lot. It’s funny how something can be staring you in the face and it’s not until you go on a forum and have 9 emotive and insightful posts replies, until you see what’s happening. Thanks again. Jobebee.
Thank you all again for your help. It’s up to me know.
JobebeeParticipantHeya,
I find your situation a hard one. I don’t think it’s a good idea to move in with a woman you do not love. That will only end badly and especially if you have children from a different partner as they will find it confusing and need a stable loving home. I think you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. I would tell her how you feel so it’s all out in the open. It won’t be easy, but she can’t fire you because you do not love her. Be strong… do what is right for you… don’t do something because you’ll have a nicer place to sleep and a job. That’s not what happiness is… that’s just convenience. I hope you find the answer you need. X
JobebeeParticipantHiya,
well, first of all, you sound like were head of heels for this girl. There is no girl in this entire world which wouldn’t want to be described like the girl you have.
The one thing that resonates through your post is that for things to grow you have to give them space… like a plant. Things can’t grown if they’re being squeezed, pressured and cornered. Thus, I would say to maybe let her be more free, both of you need to be more independent. This is no bad reflection you. It is a great thing that you know who you are what your traits are. She has been around all this time, why not talk to her about your feelings and try to find yourself and grow together as a couple? She may well support you as you try to deal with your anxiety, after all she must feel strongly about you to still be there.
I’m really sorry if I sound harsh. A few years ago I dated a guy with OCD. I didn’t know he had it, but after a few months he become fixated on me. We got along really well, but I felt trapped. Sadly, because he got too fixated, we broke up. But, after a year or so of counselling and mediation we become friends again. He’s a really great guy and we talk a lot still although we’re not together. I would never hold the way he acted towards me against him. He was in a different place back then and he had a journey to go on. We all need to do some self development at some point… maybe it is time that you let go so you can deal with yourself. If she is strong enough and cares enough, she will still be there… and if she’s not, you will then have yourself back. The true happy you. After all… sometimes good things fall apart, so better things can fall together.
Take care and look after yourself.
May 21, 2014 at 2:46 am in reply to: I feel lost and I'm not sure what to do, or what is normal. #56754JobebeeParticipantThank you both so much for your kindness and words of wisdom! I actually welled up a little reading both of your replies.
I think you’re both right about my boyfriend. He does lack understanding, however he was around when It all came out and his way of dealing with it was just to move on and that I should just move on and not let it bog me down. This is kind of true. I don’t want it to bog me down either, but I see it as something I have to consider and accept. I have talked to him about it in the past (about 2 years ago) and we nearly broke up (not because of it), in which I ended up feeling broken and ‘messed up’. Although I know myself pretty well, and I think I’m pretty okay considering! 🙂 Anyway, I tried to talk about it the other day and he said that it’s unfair that I use it against him and it’s a really low blow to use it as a reason to not ‘want to’. So basically, we don’t talk about it, I’m okay not talking about it (as I’ve dealt with the majority of it quite well and I understand it may be hard for him to hear- actually no one knows what actually happened… just that something happened), but I wish I wouldn’t feel bad when I say I don’t want to.
I just realised I’ve never written any of this down.
Before 2010-2011 my whole goal was to be the best. I worked so hard at college, fitness and eating well. But when It came out I was turned into a victim – not a survivor, which I felt I was before – how I saw myself changed and how others saw me changed. I lost all my confidence and had to re-build it all again. I had a couple of amazing friends to where and still are fantastic and I am so much better now. Looking back I am now a much more mellow and accepting person… maybe a little bit of a push over, but I can work on that. Anway, Would it be silly to say that my infinite source is now the Sea? All I know is that being out on the water is my overall most favourite thing. I feel at peace and whole.
Once again, thank you both so much for your thoughts and encouragement. I’m sending you lots of positive energy!
JobebeeParticipantI, for some reason, wouldn’t like to say I struggle at the moment. I like In a nice middle-class with my boyfriend and his family. They are vey generous and help me as much as they can with any life decision, financially and sometimes even emotionally.
My struggle started when I was 3-4yrs, I was sexually abused. I dealt with it by bottling it up for around 12-13 years, until my sister told the family it had happened to her. She did not know it had happened to me and my other sister. Non of us knew what had happened to the other siblings. Thus, as you can imagine, the poo hit the fan and our family fundamentally fell apart. I had counselling, battled a eating disorder and depression for about 2 years. The counselling was brilliant and I came on heaps and bounds… after all life is amazing, you can’t be too sad for too long!
However, now and again I get really low, my fitness regime goes out of the window and I put on weight. My struggle is to fight this. I also have an odd attitude to sex. I am particular about when I want to do It and when I’m don’t want to. This tends to co-inside with my mood highs and lows mentioned before. My boyfriend shuns me when I do not want to have sex, he makes me feel bad about not wanting to, or not wanting to put on a show for him. I can kind of understand, as who wants a gf to be like that? it’s not ideal. Thus, I wish I was more free from this. I wish I liked it as much as other do.
To add to the basket I am also at a crossroads in my life. I’m not sure what I want to do now as the things I wanted to do, I did not qualify for. This makes me feel stressed, no good enough and a failure.
I’m not sure how to make myself feel better, and I feel silly and selfish as I’m not happy, yet I have a lovely lifestyle.
JobebeeParticipantHeya,
although it is hard I would recommend trying to find some more friends, maybe take up a new hobby? You need to see this a brilliant opportunity to work on yourself, do what you want and learn and grow. I recently saw a video on youtube (actualised.org) which talked about co-independent and dependant relationships and might help you figure out what to do next. There is no right thing to do. You have to forgive yourself for acting the way you did (we all would probably do the same!… after all he sounds like a douche).
Here’s the link…
http://www.youtube.com/channel/UCgeicB5AuF3MyyUto0-M5Lw
hope it helps!
oh, and this always helps me when I’m having trouble…
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/05/everything-the-buddha-ever-taught-in-2-words/
xx
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