Belle: that is so lovely for you to come back and post and thanks for telling me I am an amazing mummy, I have had a lot of doubt about that, mainly due to guilt of splitting the family up and hurting their beloved father. I know really, he has done that, but its still hard to process. Thank you so much, I hope you find strength to find what you need to do. I can tell you its taken almost three years of almost despair for me to reach the point I have. Don’t be hard on yourself.
I am still finding it very difficult, but I am in my own space now. I’m realizing that my every waking moment around him 9and even when i was away from him) has been focused on keeping him happy. I have (and this is really difficult to admit) not been as available for family, friends and most importantly my two gorgeous boys. I am so very very proud of them both. They have dealt with it so far better than I could have expected and both have shown a huge amount of care and compassion (particularly for their father, who isn’t shielding them from his pain).
I am nearly three weeks since telling him i was leaving and just over 2 weeks in my own space. I am still finding daily life tough, but I am amazed at what I can do and have been able to do. Its like I am living a dream at the moment, but today I started to realize I need to connect and understand what is happening to ME. Shortly I will go for a walk, and look at the sea with no phone, nothing and just think.
I have had to see him quite a few times because of the boys, and I feel worse after I have seen him as he is broken. He wants me to wave a magic wand and make everything alright. He has shown more compassion to me in the last 2 weeks than in the last 21 years and I also need to remember that.
I feel “lighter” and when the guilt wears and I allow myself to grieve for everything our relationship was and should have been I know I will be in a better place.
Keep posting, and keep thinking. Don’t shut it out like I did for years and deny its happening, it will destroy your inner self. Good luck Belle <3

Just to confirm I have moved out and am in my own place with the children.

Thanks JJC

Thanks Anita too, I appreciate your honesty. I have indeed put his needs above my own and probably above the children. I have tried to be the best parent I can to them, at the same time trying to clear the fog i have suffered for so long. I have a great bond with both of them and we communicate well. I know I delayed in making my decision and in time I guess I will blame myself for that. I am now in my own home, I have the boys with me and they are being amazing. I am so so very proud of them and sorry they had to witness any stress and upset. They are my priority, along with mending myself, and reconnecting with family, friends and work. I realise I have invested so much of my thoughts and life to him and I now I have the space I hope I can do that. Both boys have shown great strength hand empathy. I am happy for that.

I have a lot of work to do to stop the conditioning I have felt for so many years, but it is already feeling liberating. I feel relaxed for the first time in years. He has been actually quite nice the last few days and supportive. He wants to get himself sorted (so he says) and I want to try and remain in his life for support and so the boys can have a relationship with him. I strongly feel that the boys will benefit from us being apart. I am 99.9999% sure I am not returning, he thinks there might be a glimmer of hope. But I have been firm and in control, I have my autonomy back.

@JJC thanks for checking in with me. I logged in today to write an update. So, around 2 weeks ago, he woke up in the morning and we had a really good talk. He said he wanted to see if he could improve and get back to how he used to be, and that he recognised his drinking and behaviour was having a huge impact on all of us.
I told him, I was prepared to try one last time. And I had dealbreakers- the two main ones being rage and pushing his insecurities onto me. I think I made it clear that if I feel like these have been broken, I will walk away. I think he realised finally, that in 21 years I have never given him a reason to believe I would be unfaithful and that he also needs to give me space. So I resolved myself to make a real effort and match his. He has had maybe 2 glasses of wine at dinner since in the last few weeks, has been eating much more healthily and exercising (guided by me, as I changed my lifestyle massively about 1 year ago). His moods have pretty much disappeared and he seems much happier. He has also done things like sign up for language lessons and has even volunteered to help the kids at the local school learn English.
While I am not 100% convinced this will last, I feel I owe it to our relationship to try for now and see how things go. He seems to have improved his confidence already, he is talking more Portuguese and he is out the house more which gives me a feeling of more freedom. Its only a couple of hours a few days a week, but it allows me to feel I can breathe again. I haven’t forgotten about how hard the last few years have been, in fact this change in behaviour made me realise just how bad it got, and that I don’t ever want to feel like that again. There have been no “eggshells” recently and my anxiety has reduced.
I have faith that he will continue, but time will tell. And if it reverts back to how it was, i know I can leave guilt free that i tried everything. I have never lost love for him, so i guess that helps, but its his efforts that will save this relationship not mine.
I hope you are doing well JJC 🙂

@brokenman. Our situations sound very similar indeed. Like you say the incidents are quite often isolated, then forgotten by him almost immediately, but I remember. I guess he is wondering if someone else is involved, because he feels it can’t possibly be “just” that that is causing me to question our relationship.

I have to keep thinking about everything, a lot I haven’t ever told him. For example, we live overseas and 2 years ago my sister got married in the UK. I was bridesmaid and I am close to my family. He didn’t think the marriage would last (it didn’t but that isn’t the point), so was grumpy all weekend. He didn’t even tell me I looked nice. He just had a face on all weekend. It spoilt my whole weekend with my family, and I felt sick the whole time as I was worried other people could see. That is just one occassion.

He doesn’t have time for his family, and over time he has passively controlled my interaction with me family, although he will deny this of course.

Anyway, the tension is always in the household, and I am sure at times I don’t help because I ask him why he is grumpy, as I think it must be me, maybe it isn’t always but I feel like it is.

I am reading a lot to try and understand why i would stay and put up with this, and to try and gain the courage to leave and stay away.

The biggest driver in this at the moment is his reluctance to accept his behaviour has caused problems, that I guess is my deal breaker. And god I have tried to get him to see the connection between his insecurities, his behaviour and in turn my behaviour towards him. I cannot be passionate about him and our relationship while I feel he is treating me badly. Its a self perpetuating cycle. And we just keep going round and round, without him thinking about the root cause. Probably my fault, because in one way or another I have allowed him to do this for 21 years. That isn’t to say there wasn’t happier times, its definatly escalated in the last 2 years.