jlo5 – I know exactly how you feel with all the internal conflicts over leaving. One minute you feel very positive about the idea and the next minute very down about it with panic attacks. I have the same issues. 12 months ago I rented a house with a view to moving out and managed to do it for only a month before going back. Since the rental contract was for 12 months I have been trying to make my exit again ever since and failed due to my internal conflicts over leaving. I sususpect that if you leave the turmoil within you will continue as it did with me to the point where I went back and it still continues. Like you, I feel I am a caring person and that my wife’s happiness is connected with me continuing to be with her while desperately wanting to leave the toxic relationship. The conflict within me becomes so overwhelming that I am also plagued by panic attacks which occur on a daily basis and just like you I am overwhelmed by it all to the point that I can hardly function at times. I have no idea what the answer is but writing about it and sharing is a big help. I hope it all works out for you.

Time is a great healer but it can take a long time. Healing will come when you find new love. It will will come when you are ready. It always does.

I am a 56 year old married man suffering from chronic depression and in an on-going state of very high anxiety. I am suffering with this situation on a daily basis and it has been going on for many years. Much of what is behind this I believe comes from the fact that I consider myself to have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for around 35 years. For me, the relationship has always been very difficult at best and has made me very unhappy. I have always wanted out for as long as I can remember and had great doubts about marrying in the first place.
Much of the abuse took place decades ago but I am still suffering the consequences of it today. For me, the relationship went bad right at the beginning and quickly became very controlling to the point where I would agree with almost anything and everything that was asked of me, even when it was the opposite of what I wanted. This is because, for a very long time, my wife used emotional abuse and psychological aggression against me on a daily basis. For some reason this made me feel very bad and it took me a long time to recognise it for what it was. She seems to have had an overwhelming need to control me and has been prepared to go to great lengths to exercise that control. Her difficult behaviour has had a very bad effect on my mental health and I find that I am actually afraid of her and her behaviours. This fear has been with me for a very long time and is now happening even in the absence of any abuse. Clearly, the relationship is very unhealthy as I have been walking on eggshells for as long as I can remember and the control is ever-present even when the abuse is now largely absent.
Right from the early days she displayed the characteristics of a Jekyll and Hyde personality with a mixture of nice and nasty. The abuse has typically taken the form of excessive criticism and explosive anger including yelling, screaming, temper tantrums, tears, bad moods and the silent treatment. This started before we were married and my reaction was always to apologise for upsetting her and try to appease her and calm her moods. Looking back it seems obvious now that much of this behaviour was fabricated out of nothing as she could always find some reason to give me a hard time. I have never understood what drives this within her.
I was in my early 20’s when we first and met and was exposed to this behaviour and I had never had to deal with a situation that was anything like it, or deal with any person that behaved like this towards me on an on-going and regular basis. The intensity and frequency was overwhelming and I did not know how to cope with the situation and managed it badly. It was very disturbing for me and very quickly my behaviour and personality was changed, as I tried to avoid anything that would trigger the aggression. I began to relate to her as a person, in a way that I had never interacted with anyone else.
After much soul-searching, it is clear to me now that my behaviour has been driven by a disproportionate fear of her bad moods, which still drives things to this day. There has never been physical abuse or the destruction of property but I have always thought that she often gets to the point of being very close to crossing that boundary. I find that being around her at such times is a truly awful and very traumatic experience. I know that the fear imprinted upon me is not rational but it is also very real in the way that I am always deeply upset by it. Logic seems to not come into the analysis of the situation and I know that it is very irrational to feel this way but I cannot seem to help myself. I presume it is much the same when other people suffer from deep-rooted irrational phobias that cause panic attacks.
Before the marriage we lived apart and would see each other at weekends or sometimes less frequently. Often we would talk on the telephone and many times she would find some reason to become very upset with me and end the call abruptly by hanging up. Invariably, I would call her back immediately to apologise for whatever was wrong and many times she would not answer the ‘phone. When we did meet at weekends, she would often launch into an immediate verbal attack showing her displeasure with clear signs of intense anger at something I had or hadn’t done. As a result of these attacks, which started very early in the relationship, my behaviour became almost totally controlled as I always tried to appease her and avoid whatever triggered the abuse.
The control was to such an extent that we eventually married, which is something I definitely did not want to happen. It is such a long time ago that I don’t recall the exact circumstances of the “proposal” but I am assured by my wife that I asked her to marry me. This could very well be true but it would have been under the duress of her controlling influence. By my recollection, marriage was clearly what she wanted at the time and I obliged by doing what was expected of me. The controlling fears had me well and truly brainwashed by this point and I knew something was very deeply wrong with our relationship and what was happening to me. Despite going along with the marriage, I am absolutely certain that I did not want to marry her as I knew I did not love her as a man should love the person he is about to marry. Marrying someone I did not love, who often behaved in emotionally abusive ways, typifies just how controlling, toxic and unbalanced the relationship had become. She had developed the ability to make me feel fearful and overly anxious and I invariably responded in ways to ease the pressures generated within me by her behaviour. I had become her compliant victim, which happened over 30 years ago. No one else has ever had the ability to influence me in anything like the same way.
Shortly after we married and were living together things got much worse as her bad moods escalated beyond my wildest imaginations. For some reason there was constant anger directed at me. One time she locked me out of the house after she had started an argument over absolutely nothing. She seems to have no recollection of this event, which in anyone’s eyes would be very memorable. Things were so bad around this time that I developed a significant health problem. The stresses were so high that my heartbeat became very irregular. The problem was checked out by a cardiac specialist and it was suggested that it was probably stress related. At the time I didn’t recognise the cause and did not relate it to the stresses of my marital situation. I was still in my 20’s at this point in time and should have been enjoying life to the fullest. The abuse was relentless and eventually I began to realise how toxic the relationship was and realised that it always had been. What intimacy there was in the relationship was completely gone after just a short period of marriage as her behaviour was so ugly that she became very unattractive to me.
Invariably in her eyes, there has always been some very good reason why I have been on the receiving end of her aggression. Often I have been accused of doing something to deliberately annoy her, which makes it all my fault. For example, giving Christmas or birthday presents was usually a very big problem. First there would be a look of huge disappointment followed by an interrogation as to why I bought whatever it was and would then be told how inappropriate it was. Gradually this would escalate into a full dramatic “performance” with huge amounts of tears and much yelling and screaming about what a bad person I was. Eventually I would be accused of making the particular purchase as a way of deliberately annoying her. In reality I didn’t need to do anything to annoy her as a reason could always be found.
Holidays were also a big problem with the tension gradually building from the outset as a predictable pattern would unfold. The bad mood and tension would escalate to around the middle of the holiday week at which point she would find a reason to start an abusive and highly venomous verbal attack with a declaration that she would never go on holiday with me ever again. Upon returning home she would often say what a good holiday we had had and I would be expected to go along with that view when asked if I enjoyed it. It was as if the ugly episode had never happened or was completely forgotten about. The reality for me was very different as it was always a nightmare, which had followed all the classical signs of the “cycle of abuse”. For many years, almost every holiday and every birthday and Christmas followed the same pattern and these are just a few examples of what must amount to hundreds if not thousands of similar events over the years. Just about every shopping trip used to be an awful experience and in the early days, hardly a day would go by without some form of abusive outburst that left me in a state of great emotional turmoil.
One of the worst examples of her behaviour was a few years ago during a day trip to London. As usual, I didn’t really want to go along with her plans and would have preferred to be on my own. Naturally I complied with her wishes rather than stand up for myself. We took the short train ride to London, which was very busy and due to a simple misunderstanding and limited seating, we ended up sitting in different parts of the train. Upon arriving in London, I was subjected to the humiliating treatment, in full public view, at a very busy railway station. To say I got a dressing down would be a gross understatement. It was a truly horrible experience and she seemed to be totally out of control. Having experienced many similar situations, there was nothing that unusual in this behaviour other than it was particularly venomous. What made it especially upsetting was that it was only eight days after my father’s funeral. He had died following a long battle with cancer. I was completely devastated by the experience and this emotionally abusive episode was one of the worst I have ever encountered from her. True to form, at the end of the day she asked me if I had enjoyed our day out in London. What twisted mind would have thought that was an appropriate question? Presumably the same sick mind that thought the abusive episode was justifiable behaviour to be inflicted upon me during a period of intense grief at the loss of my father. The effect of her behaviour that day was truly horrible for me.
The criticisms, abuse and bad moods went on for many years and at times on an almost daily basis. Any mistakes on my part would be met with an overbearing critical reaction no matter how minor the infringement. I became frightened of getting even minor things wrong and have now been afraid for most of my adult life. Occasionally, I would summon the strength to challenge her about her behaviour and attitude only to be told I was being overly sensitive and getting things out of all proportion or there would be some excuse about stress at work. She seems oblivious or uncaring about the effect she has on me and I can never recall her ever apologising for any of her appalling behaviour.
Only recently have I tried to understand what has happened to me and discovered the impact of emotional abusive on a person’s wellbeing. Everything I have read on the subject describes my situation. During my search for answers, it has become clear that the reasons for her bad behaviour have often been completely fabricated and very much about control. I could never understand why anyone would behave in such a deeply disturbed way towards someone in what was supposed to be a loving relationship. During disagreements, any resistance from me would always result in escalation of the situation to the point of abusive behaviour. She has always had to win and get her own way. At times, life has been a never ending conflict over anything and everything. Eventually, I gave up and became very compliant and would reluctantly agree to whatever it was she wanted. These days, the best resistance I can manage is to drop hints that I am not keen on whatever it is she is suggesting. She never takes the hint and probably sees it as a challenge and will not let the subject drop until I give into her demands. This she then takes as my full agreement. In reality it is easier just to give in, which is a very different thing to agreement. Compliance makes life easier but is probably the worst thing I can do as it reinforces the controlling behaviour and it has created great resentment within me.
Clearly, part of the problem is that I have always been very sensitive to her outbursts, which make me feel very bad, so I developed behaviours that tried to avoid her difficult outbursts of anger. In the early days when she started a fight I would stand up for myself but she would never back down and was always prepared to escalate things to a higher level than I would be prepared to go. She had to win all conflicts that she invariably started. Very occasionally I have tried to discuss these behavioural issues with her only to be told that I am overly sensitive and I am always questioned as to why the difficulties from years ago have any relevance to today. She seems unable to understand that her behaviour has been in anyway detrimental to the quality of our relationship and rather bizarrely seems to think we get along together reasonably well for most of the time. She attributes little significance to her overbearing manner. In reality, I no longer want to have anything to do with her and do not want to be around her. For me, the abuse from the distant past is still very relevant today as it has changed me from the person I once was to the fearful and anxious person that I am today and that I have been for decades when around her. The damage has been done to the point that I doubt I will ever get back to being the real me and the on-going relationship will always be very strained at best.
Much of what I have read about on the motives of emotional abusers seems to focus on their overwhelming need for control. Whilst I can recognise this in my situation, I also believe her behaviour has had a lot to do with her getting some gratification or release of inner tension from the process of abusing me. Beyond that, I don’t know what has driven her behaviour, which is completely alien to me. At times I believe she has engineered situations to bring about a particular outcome, which in her mind then justifies the abuse. I have a strong suspicion that she would fantasise about abusing me during this tension building phase of the process. Whatever the reason, there seemed to be a strong compulsion for her to behave as she did and occasionally still does. The result is a very one sided and loveless relationship with a parent-to-child structure based on dominance and underpinned by the psychological damage done to me. Admittedly, the frequency of abuse has diminished over the years and is mostly absent these days. However, the need to control seems never to be far away and it extends to just about anything and everything no matter how big or small. It’s as if the drive for control has been a never ending constant within her.
Naturally I want to leave and have had thoughts of leaving for almost as long as we have been married, which is over 30 years. Although I want out of the relationship, I have been brainwashed to the point that I cannot seem to go through with the process of leaving. I have tried but I am stuck for reasons that I don’t understand other than it is associated with a deep-rooted, fear-based, psychological problem. Despite multiple attempts to leave, I have either not been able to go through with it or sustain it. I have left a couple of times but have always gone back with my tail between my legs. I believe I have developed what is known as a traumatic bond or something akin to Stockholm syndrome. I become particularly fearful and anxious with severe panic attacks when I leave or have serious intentions of leaving. The forces within me become overwhelming and I suspect that the prolonged stresses that I have lived with have resulted in something that is described these days as complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Living with my wife’s angers and behaviours has always been very stressful for me and I believe it has caused the type of psychological trauma associated this disorder. To put it in layman’s terms, I am seriously screwed-up by it all.
I suspect that very few people are aware of my situation but some close relatives are familiar with her difficult behaviours and have been on the receiving end. I think that some family members sympathise with me, as they know how difficult she can be. One time a close relative told her how hard she was on me only to be told that she didn’t really mean it in a nasty way and that I knew as such. Clearly a complete denial of reality and very far from my experience of the way she has related to me. Also, she has had very strained relationships with other close relatives and was hardly on speaking terms with her brother for a number years and, for the last 10 years or so, she has not had anything to do with her sister. Needless to say, she blames them for these situations and seems to be completely untroubled by the obvious upset it has caused her elderly mother and I’m sure her father his turning in his grave over this.
There is another very big part to my story. Around 25 years ago I met someone to whom I was immediately attracted, in a way that I hadn’t experienced before. It really was love at first sight. I thought she was wonderful and after a few years of knowing her we started an intimate relationship. Time spent with her brings me great happiness and we seem to be very compatible in many ways. We get on very well and she is such a pleasure to be with. It’s a very loving and caring relationship. What more could anyone wish for? It has been an on-going on-off romance for over 20 years. At times the relationship has ended for extended periods but we have always remained close and got back together many times. Throughout this time we have wanted to be together more permanently but I have never managed to break free from my marriage. Wanting to be with her is a big part of wanting to get out of my marriage but try as I might, I can’t seem to get away. Why I can’t leave my wife for someone I truly love is completely beyond my comprehension. I’m very conflicted and torn apart by it. I don’t feel any guilt about this relationship and I am certain that it has not been the cause of my bad marital relationship. The fear of my wife’s abusive behaviour pre-dates this extra-marital relationship by several years and my marriage was in a very bad state long before I even met my lover.
I am at a total loss to understand why things are the way they are other than it is all connected to my wife’s bad attitude towards me. I cannot work out why her anger makes me feel so bad. I do not have problems dealing with others who show similarly aggressive characteristics and I can clearly spot the absurdness of their behaviours. With others, it’s like water off a duck’s back. With my wife it’s very different and completely the opposite as I take things deeply to heart. It really is as if I am under her hurtful spell because that is what it feels like and it’s an explanation that fits many of my symptoms and actions. I can fully understand why some people might believe in witchcraft and evil spirits, as an explanation for such feelings and situations. Clearly this is a completely absurd idea but it summarises perfectly what I feel and is one of the best ways I can think of for articulating what I feel and what has happened to me. I am damaged by it and have been conditioned by it and it is clearly a form of brainwashing that I have experienced. My wife has done this to me or I have allowed it to happen. Either way, the outcome is the same.
This is my life and it has been for 35 years. I am totally and utterly miserable and have been for a very long time. I am stuck in a prison without bars. No wonder I am such a mess having lived with this problem for so long. It has been such a huge burden that I seem unable to carry anymore and I am at breaking point. I’m afraid of what will happen next as my head is often filled with dark and disturbing thoughts. I feel like I need to get away from my overwhelming feelings and emotions, which now seem to come over me, for no obvious reason, on a daily basis. The constant anxiety causes surges of adrenalin several times every day and my body aches all the time and is weakened by it. I doubt if I will ever recover under any circumstances. I just need to get out but can’t. When is this nightmare going to end? I feel completely broken.