Anita – In all honesty I cannot recall covert or overt aggression at home in my childhood. My father was a gentle person who was liked by everyone and everyone tells me that I take after him and my mother wasn’t a particularly domineering person. I have a brother who is two years older and we got on well enough but we were and are very different people. The problematic situation developed when I met my wife and I’m sure it was very much in response to her aggression and manipulation and my inability to deal with. As mentioned at the beginning of the thread, she was a Jekyll and Hyde character with a mixture of nice and nasty, which I could not deal with in an appropriate way. Why didn’t I turn away from her is a good question and I think that there was lot of guilt on my part. She was an expert at playing the victim and reminding me of all the good things she had done for me and she could make me feel guilty about not behaving in the way she wanted me to. She was an expert at this and could put on really convincing performances of great emotional distress. I fell for it every time and it took me a very decades to realize that it was always a performance designed to manipulate me into submission to her strong will. I must emphasise that other people in my life, who I am close to, can not make me feel like this. It is very specific to my wife and this situation developed quickly into a very controlling relationship. Paralyzed? Most definitely. The perfect victim!

Anita – Your insight is very good in many areas. I did not reach out to others for help until fairly recently and my story was totally hidden for many years as I am not the type of person to confide in others about my problems. This includes my parents. From childhood to this present day I have never really discussed any of my problems with any family member. I am not sure why this has been the case but it is a lifelong pattern of behaviour. I was never discouraged from discussing problems but I would never raise them as I would not feel comfortable in doing so. As regards your question about living with pain before meeting my wife, I don’t recall much distress from my childhood or teenage years or early adulthood. Obviously, there were ups and downs but I recall just before meeting my wife I was in a happy place and enjoying life. Things changed quickly after that. Certainly, I was not well equipped to deal with the aggressive behaviour, which I found very controlling from the beginning and I think I mentioned this aspect in my first posting. The enduring pain in my life has been since meeting my wife and not before.

These days she is old and housebound. When I was young she was a schoolteacher teaching very young kids. Being a schoolteacher she brought us up to be good mannered and to know right from wrong. She is a good natured person and got in very well with my father in that they never had any significant arguments in all the years they were married. She was the leader of the two but not in any domineering way. In many ways she is a very ordinary person who just likes to stay at home in a quiet and peaceful environment where no one bothers her.

Anita. I’m happy to answer anything. Please feel free to ask.

My leaving has usually been fairly short lived but the last time it lasted 4 weeks during which time I was not at all at ease. I stayed in a rented house, on my own mostly but also spent quality time with the lady I mentioned with whom I have had a long term relationship. I was in a rather depressed state of high anxiety for much of the time. I’m not quite sure why I went back or how it really happened other than I didn’t go “no contact” so somehow got reeled back in to the trap. To be honest it is all a bit vague and I was something of a wreck in terms of my mental health. Going back was a big mistake and as soon as I was back the thoughts of leaving returned at least as strong as ever, if not more so.

I don’t tend to drive as you suggest but I take your point about being too close to what is not healthy and frightening. Normally, I have no problems confronting my fears. Speaking to an audience is not a problem for me having done it on many occasions. I just have these issues associated with standing up for myself within the context of my marriage which is a fear I face every single day. Unlike most fears, it doesn’t seem to get any easier even with daily exposure. That is what abuse does unfortunately. It causes psychological problems from constantly being on edge over the long term resulting in complex PTSD. The feelings keep on returning even in the absence of the stimulus.

Adam P – Thanks for your suggestion. When I signed up to this site and started the thread I had a very different name. At some point it got changed when I was updating my profile but I don’t recall actually requesting the change to what it is today. Presumably some mistake on my part. I will change it to something more positive as I feel I am moving forward with a chapter of my life coming to an end and a new one about to start. Whether much really changes remains to be seen.