Adam P,

Thanks for checking in. Things are improving in that my wife’s behaviour has improved a lot over the last several months. The horrible personality is much more under control but it doesn’t heal the damage that was done over a prolonged period. I’m still stuck trying to get out and torturing myself with such thoughts. They bring a smile to my face when they are just thoughts and dreams but trying to act on them sends me into a very dark and horrible mental state. Why I end up in such a state is beyond my understanding but it is definitely connected with going up against her and her arsenal of abusive behaviour and manipulative tactics. The honest reality is that I can”t stand the sight of her so why I am stuck is a mystery. Psychological control is an extremely powerful phenomenon once it has becomes firmly imprinted and it was the aggression that caused the imprinting to take place. I continue to educate myself and look for ways to repair the damage.

Dear Anita,
With regards to your recent questions….. my friend is of a similar age to me. She is vivacious, very well educated, financially independent, attractive, friendly, well liked… the list of positives goes on and on and there is an intense physical attraction on my part that is age defying. This is all true and not just my version. My analysis of the way I treat her and her obvious plus points makes me wonder why she puts up with me and why she has not moved on. I feel unworthy in many ways so I wonder what it is she sees in me as I have let her down in so many ways. Occasionally I have asked her what she sees in me and she points out how well we get on and how good things are between us when the going is good. This is true as things can be very special but it is a time-limited, long distance relationship so time together will inevitably be special. There have been many times we have broken up because of my inability to get away and those break ups have been for extended periods. Sometimes years, but we have always kept in touch on a daily basis. There is something special that has gone on for a very long time. The break ups have been because she has seen that I have chosen to stay with my wife…. but we got back together many times in the hope that I could leave…. and I don’t seem to be able to. We have gone around this cycle together many times. It seems that we both want to be together. She has been very understanding. More so recently as I have started to open up with her about the damage that has been done to me. She is becoming even more understanding having read some of our communications here, which I have invited her to read. Until recently, my psychological problem has been completely hidden but now we are talking about it, which is a step in the right direction.

Thanks to all your recent inputs. Anita, you make a good point about her being in my head. She’s there all the time working away at my self confidence with her anger issues having a bad influence on me. I would also say she is in my subconscious as well with her bad influence ever present. Adam, Good idea about the support group. Nan, I am very lucky with my friend who I let down all the time. She has the patience of a saint and has been waiting for me to get myself together for 25 years. I have no idea what she sees in me or why she does not move on. When we discuss that side of things she reminds me of how good we are together and how special things are between us. It certainly feels that way when we are together. Like you, I try to calm myself with thoughts of what will actually happen when my wife gets mad at me I and I think, so what! How hard can it be and I know nothing much bad will happen but my reaction is completely out of proportion to the perceived threat. It’s a phobic response in the same way that other people can be deeply troubled by harmless things that put them in a state of utter terror when there is no real danger. What next I wonder. My history tells me I will be trying to escape again but need to try something different as opposed to the things that don’t work. After calming down a little from the horrible self-torment of yesterday I can clearly see the absurdity of it all but I seem powerless to overcome it. As I said at the beginning, this feels to me like a very powerful spell that has been cast upon me and I know such things do not exist, but if they did, I imagine that what I experience is exactly what it would feel like. Not sure that makes any sense but it really does feel very strange as if an external force is acting upon me that is emanating from my wife. I can fully understand why some people might believe in such nonsense.