Tee,

Thanks for your thoughts and taking the time to read my story.  My latest thinking is that I am suffering from what is known as the Fawn response.  It is basically a people-pleasing response to aggression but for me, it relates only to my wife and not to others.  Some people have the Fight, Flight or Freeze responses but the Fawn response is another possible outcome that is now widely recognised.  Many believe that it is something that develops as a childhood protection mechanism that can also be manifested in later life.  It’s appeasement behaviour to try to reduce the aggression.  As well as developing in childhood, it can develop later in life as a result of Complex Trauma from on-going abuse.  Emotional abuse in my case.  I think it is this second, later in life, scenario that is more like my experience.  For me, everything points to the issue developing in my early twenties when I met my wife and it developed almost instantaneously.  Perhaps back then I still had enough of the child left in me to be susceptible.  I do not think it relates specifically to trauma in my childhood years as I don’t recall any childhood trauma that would fit with my experience.  Everything in my experience relates to something that developed later in life and has been with me for nearly 40 years.  It’s a very big price to pay.  So much lost time and the loss of the person most precious to me for 30 years.  We had hopes and dreams that came to nothing because of my issues.  I still have those hopes and dreams but I know it is no longer possible.  Time and again she would try to help me get away.  It has ruined my life and done a lot of damage to much of hers.  She finally got out and moved on and I am trying to be happy for her as I love her dearly.  Total and utter madness!

It seems that recent additions to this thread have been removed.  Thanks to whoever arranged that.

gvstate,
Thanks for taking the time to respond. Everything you mention has been clear to me for a long time and I recognise my own compliance in this problem. I think it is difficult for most people to understand the situation, as it difficult for me to understand why anyone would stay in any relationship that has brought such unhappiness, when there is no barrier to leaving? It makes no sense at all and I know I have a problem that needs to be resolved in some way. As you rightly pointed out, “there is something deep down and emotional keeping him tethered to this marriage”.

Kitt,
Thanks for the input. I sense the frustration in your message and suspect you understand my problems only too well but it sounds like you have endured worse. I have done a lot of research on personality disorders as I have tried to understand more about what has happened to me and why. Much of it seems to fit reasonably well. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

Sunnyside, As regards the timeline your understanding is not exactly right but close enough. To be more precise, the 10 year gap is the time difference between when I met my wife and when things became intimate with my friend. I didn’t marry my wife until after a couple of years and didn’t start the other relationship until a few years after we met. Consequently, the timeline between when I got married and when the affair started is probably around 6 years give or take a little. As regards your other question about confiding in someone, this is something I have never really done and have always kept problems to myself. Only recently have I started to open up a little as I have been overwhelmed and recognise how bad things became in terms of my mental state.