I would like to be more of a friend or acquaintance but that doesn’t seem to be possible.  After the last break-up 4 years ago things went non-contact for something like a couple of years.  Then I was contacted again and the door was opened a little.  Since then we have communicated by telephone and messaging, often on a daily basis.  We get on well during this regular but limited contact.  Over the last few years, I have often asked if we can meet but, apart from the last time, this has always been rejected.  No doubt I will ask again, only to be rejected and hurt again.  It seems very alien to me that this limited but frequent, and amicable contact is allowed but that’s as far as it goes.  Especially since I am told that it is all in the past and is hardly given a second thought so why is there a need for the barrier?  Lots of other friends and acquaintances seem not to get the same treatment as me.  I try not to be jealous of this but I am.  I am not anticipating that we will meet again and so I need to find a way to move on and leave it all behind.   I do wonder if I am just an annoyance that is tolerated, which is an idea that does not make me feel good about myself.

Tee,
I know I have caused her an awful lot of pain.  The situation over all the years must have been truly awful for her.  I’m resolved to not cause anymore pain.  We are at ease with each other, which is remarkable considering our history.  She is getting on with life and living life to the full and seems to be in a happy place.  She means an awful lot to me so I want her to be happy.  When she’s sad so am I so I must not cause more distress with promises I can’t deliver.   When I am calm and rational and we are in a good place, the promises seem to be the easiest thing to deliver but the calm rational thinking gets completely destroyed by my irrational, subconscious, side which I can’t control.  It controls me no matter how much I try to override it.  I have always thought of myself as being fairly grounded and balanced and that is usually the case in most aspects of my life but have concluded that is not always the case and far from it.

Last night I talked to my friend for over an hour.  I think she is still my friend but I am not really sure.  We still communicate quite frequently and it is usually positive, relaxed and friendly.  I was thinking it was 3 years since I last saw her but to my horror I worked out it was 4.  She wasn’t speaking to me for over year after the last break up but eventually reached out to tell me she had moved on and from there we began to communicate every few weeks by ‘phone and more frequently by text.  This is a pattern of behaviour that we have gone through several times.  After the first break up I didn’t see her for 10 years but we still communicated.  After 10 years, I was just beginning to get used to the idea of not seeing her and then we got back together as if we had never been apart.  Carried on where we left off.  There have been other extended break ups and reconciliations.  Needless to say our on again, off again history gives me hope that one day she will let me back into her life just a little more.  That would mean a lot to me and make me much happier but I don’t think it will happen.  I asked if I could see her one last time as I am trying to let go and move on.  Our long history is such that neither of us has been much good at doing that.  Many times over the last 4 years I have asked if we can meet and it has always been declined.  Eventually, I stopped asking as the rejections were painful.  I haven’t really understand why we can’t meet as we are still on good speaking terms and meeting as old friends seems to me like a perfectly natural thing to do.  Last night I asked again.  She said most definitely not which eventually turned into “I’ll have a think about it”.  Needless to say I live in hope that we will meet and that it can lead to some sort of closure for me but what I really want is to be her friend again.

I don’t tell myself I am a loser.  I don’t have much of that inner critic within me.  By most standards I am not a loser but quite a high achiever.  Not outstanding but certainly above average.  Very well educated, no debts and money in the bank.  I had a successful career and was able to retire early when going to work became a bit stale.  Stopping work a few years ago was connected with trying to leave and move in with my friend but, as always, I failed to achieve that goal when I held myself back from going ahead.  In my younger day I was often complimented on my good looks and I am still in reasonably good shape.  All positive stuff and should have nothing to worry about and little reason for self-criticism….. apart from my one big issue that always held me back from getting what mattered most.

It’s been a long time since I last tried to leave.  Things seem to be coming to a head so I will try again.  I have somewhere to go. I’m not sure how well it will work out as previous attempts have not been successful.  I have lost the support of the person who was once closest to me.  I’ll be on my own this time and I know it isn’t going to be easy.  Outwardly it appears that I have chosen to stay put for all these years.  Having tried to understand my situation I have concluded that I had little choice, which sounds like a very poor excuse.  It seems to me that there has been competing forces within me such that my rational self is not in control and the subconscious, irrational, side of me has prevented me from pursuing happiness.  It isn’t something I have been able to get under control but I’m hoping it has abated enough for me to make the transition such that what I want wins the battle that rages within me.  I have always wanted to leave.  I have never wanted to stay but I have always stayed or gone back after leaving only to want to leave again.

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I will be waiting in the hope of seeing her again one day.  I know I will wait forever.  She was the one for me and I lost through my own failings.</p>

I’m not convinced this is the problem and the solution for me but thanks for your input as it is good to hear all possibilities.  Like in good detective work, possible suspects need to be eliminated from enquiries and whoever is left is the one who committed the crime.  Some sort of phobia is what fits well with my thinking, but only partially.  Some people are terrified of spiders, which we all know is irrational but close proximity to spiders promotes a very real reaction in these people.  Similarly, I know that my problem is irrational and also know that it is very real as well, hence the idea it might be phobia related.  Also, the idea of complex PTSD seems to fit quite well with my self-analysis, but not fully.  I suspect the two are somehow linked to my situation but, the idea that they are linked, also doesn’t quite work for me.  If it is a phobia then the solution to that is usually considered to be exposure to the stimulus with the gradual realisation that nothing bad is happening, so the fear dissipates.  I have had plenty of input stimulus but it has hardly reduced the anxiety levels.  Repeated aggression/abuse is one of the causes of complex PTSD and it took me a long time to realise that abuse is what I endured, so I conclude that complex PTSD is likely to have developed within me and I think that is something that can be developed in adults without connection to childhood.  I also recognise that the adult personality is linked to childhood development and that a different upbringing could have developed me as a different adult.  Perhaps with more resilience such that I would not be in the position I am today.  I guess that all these things can overlap to a certain extent, such that one terminology doesn’t necessarily fit perfectly.