Hi Teak,

I finally told him that its the end and he accepted it. I did this exercise multiple times but went back to him and he would be as normal as before without a single question. Ending it finally. Its hurting , few tears too  .. hope i will cope it well in the coming weeks 🙁

Yes, there was lot of hot n cold treatment …. its not like i didn’t notice.. pattern is same right from the first weekend we met ..but sadly i am in a state where i suck for even little attention/love given by anybody. And in the mid of my own traumatic feelings.. i always feel i am wrong and again patch up with him.. its like he might be not available for some days but still he is there when i don’t have anyone else  🙁  i spent sleepless nights thinking i can manage this well like the way he does ..but again to scratch .

yeah, i sought a deeper bond with him, tried bringing up that topic multiple times.  But he gets really uncomfortable around such topics, cannot even meet my eyes if it is a video call. He either diverts the topic or ends the call. But at the same time, did not reject me directly, would keep saying let’s see, we will be together kind of words.  Its me who kept an end to such topics but i did say i deserve truth as a human ; it does not matter its romantic relationship or not. I feel like a stupid to believe such random words and hurt my heart multiple times. But then again i did see real love/admiration in his eyes in the initial months and later on repented multiple times assuming may be i asked for a relationship too soon and he backed out. This i say because i pushed him away multiple times but he still held on to me . He literally worshiped me even past the honeymoon stage of a meeting. Its only possible if he either a psychopath with no emotions or have feelings for me .. other than that why does anyone bears others frustrations in this world. i am shameful to accept that i was quiet abusive few times with him. And he has one strong reason against relationship .. its a long distance one, he will not relocate to home country until his retirement age ..which is probably 25  years from now, he does not want to marry me .. so what’s the use of having a long distance relationship. he also mentioned once trying to have a commitment in a long distance relationship is utterly nonsense. i too agreed with that …. he has his needs and cant wait for 4 months to have it with me .. more over when we know this is how it is going to be until we get old. So there is not even scope for a committed relationship. And he is a decent person, not kind of asking nudes/sexting or anything which i am not comfortable with.  His logic is simple, says we will be good to each other virtually and at the same time have a real life with real people. Sadly , I am not capable of doing exactly what he does.

Any self respecting and self loving person might have gotten out of this long long back .. but it is me here. Right now i am concerned more about my attitude more than anything else. Scared all my relationships might end this way ..me chasing unavailable/shady people thinking this is what makes me happy. I did meet 2 guys in recent times , both of them want relationship but i am scared and blocked them. Strangely i seek a relationship always and when someone who wants it , enters my life, i hide/run away from that person.

Teak, no i did not see any hot cold treatment in my childhood years. Parents gave me the best of everything. But the negative aspect it .. i am emotional even when i was a small girl, tears would swell up even for little things and my mom would comment ‘she always cries for even small things’. Mom never tried to find out the reason. And also i faced couple of sexual harassment as a young girl. So i am extremely closed in some matters. That guy never ever forced me or made me uncomfortable, not even a single instance . if i say no, he would say okay , that’s it.  i felt more safe with him than my own father. My parents shifted to my place after i lost my husband, my father gazes at my body very openly even when he understands its making me uncomfortable, also made 1 or 2 stupid comments. And i don’t understand mom cant notice it or simply pretends not to notice it. I had moved out of this phase with much difficulty , he is much better now but any given day ,  i prefer that shady guy to be safer than my father.  Some of my mental issues developed because of this as well as i was in a situation where i was helpless. You can fight male friends/colleagues/strangers for wrong behavior but its difficult to fight own family members. Now i, my kid stay together and parents in different city. My parents fight a lot, it was same since my childhood. A lot means a lot .. very toxic. their only way of communication is arguing/shouting at each other. They don’t understand each other. I feel i am exactly like my mom, can never understand any man/get emotional intimacy. My father has same kind of behavior when i stayed with them for couple of months after child birth. It was a very disturbing environment for me with their constant fights and this behavior. Luckily i came back to my husband in few months and unfortunately back to them after he passed away.

Guess this explains a bit why i am in such shitty ship .. because it felt 100 times better/secure in some ways.

Hi Anita,  thanks for the inputs. Yeah, me too considering therapy to resolve my issues. Why was the intimacy part highlighted? Can you please explain.  We are no longer romantically  close, only close friend. It was in the past, I am seeing some one new.

Hi Teak and Anita,  yeah trust is most important  for any friendship or relationship. There’s either trust or no trust.. but see sawing between these…bought me much emotional drain. He did put lot of effort to gain my trust in later months but somehow I could never forget that name thing.  We would chat whole day, talk for 1 hour , vc sometimes.  Now it’s only few msgs and we totally ignore each other some days.. but somehow when we talk ..its like going back to home. Regarding his brother, no, he never shares his  pain with me. However he does share about his mom who passed away few years ago. He only shared happy memories of his mom and bro. And why he could not open up with me ..I have no idea. From my end I have a detachment and emotionally unavailable  mentality …. its a different topic altogether.                                                                Anita, we got close after I developed feelings and not the other way round.  And I am not clingy or nothing extra feelings have come to me just because of intimacy.  I may have not provided complete information,  sorry for that. No, he don’t have to manage any image here. He never talked of marriage or a relationship with me ..so there were never false promises or cheating.  The main reason for my fights were always the same. He would text non stop , call multiple times, share pics whole of the week and it suddenly reduces on the weekend. One or 2 msgs , calls very rarely. So this type of hot cold treatment drove me nuts and my mental state was bad…resulting in either crying or shouting.  He works as a business head of a MNC and travels international multiple times , but would keep in touch with me every single day. And Regarding my mood swings , they were mostly because of my loss and some other stuff going in my life. He is always supportive that way. All in all, I know he is not good to my emotional health and slowly detached myself..but not able to cut it down entirely.  And I don’t trust him. Only God can understand his intentions:) I did ask him multiple  times why he wants to gift me, why he wants to be in touch etc…he says we can’t do everything with expectations.  Few things happen  this way too.                  I have own issues and need healing of the heart.

Hi Anita, thanks for the quick response. Yeah I ll rest my case. As is ,I am no longer interested  in him romantically , started seeing someone who stays close to me..but I got curious in a psychological way as I have never known someone in that way.  Only came across guys who wants to get intimate whatever be the name was..casual or serious. This behavior is new to me and truly trying to understand  people.  Ladies, does anyone of you have a different view point ?

Important point to add …we did get intimate once but not because of his compulsion. Both of us wanted it. So it’s not like he is waiting for it, to happen someday.

He did show lot of romantic love and passion in the start, so I started developing such feelings slowly. Gave me lot of mixed signals when I asked if he is interested in a relationship.  Somehow I feel guilty that it’s my constant nagging about his flatmate,  his personal details etc drove him away from a romantic relationship from me. I have severe anxious attachment style , it became worse. It’s been a year since we met and as a friend , he is always very good in guiding me in financial,  professional and personal matters.