Hi Teak,

I am going to take some time off from thoughts [of past] and get busy with my work and other stuff. Not overly disturbed but kind of ..don’t wanna venture into it right now .

Will get back to it later on .

Hi Teak,

Yeah finally all the pieces of the puzzle seem to fit. He sent few texts on Saturday, today asking for a call, told him i am free only on the weekends. I did not send him the link nor planning anytime, its useless. Smart enough to understand it but would come up with his usual mask. One more thing i forgot to add : He doesn’t follow this contact timings when he is in my home city or when he is traveling .. he ll try to be in constant touch .. pics from airport, flight, hotel room, restaurant, shares location too .. so now i come back to my original suspicion ..he might be living with someone and trying to protect her feelings.  Behaves like he works in army, leaves office at the same time everyday ..not even few mins late. If i keep him talking , he will stay back to talk and goes home ..but never extends that. There are numerous times he would say i miss u while leaving to home . I could never understand why cant he talk from home if he is missing, who is stopping him. Both of us are adults and not committed to anyone else. I am relieved to finally gain some strength to put my boundaries in place and continue to do so. Thank you very much.

Teak, regarding soothing my inner child, i am definitely going to try it, doesn’t seem easy though. Right now i am still clueless how and where to start from, reading about it.

Thanks a ton for putting a perceptive to my confusions. There’s much to be done from my end.

Hi Teak, it might be the reasons. Emotional neglect during childhood  …. one incident I specifically  remember..mom mocking my running style infront of her sisters and brothers.  She never talked about my grades in academics, essay, debates , singing,  dancing etc which I was good at. I was never good in sports. In fact I got reminded most of my childhood stuff during recent years because I don’t want my kid to go through the same stuff i went through. I protect my kid’s emotions. yeah, I did feel abandoned after husband’s death. Any suggestions on what can be done now to improve my self esteem around relationships ?

One thing which I noticed is whenever I ask his details,  he ll change the topic to me or completely diverts to something else. I started doing this to him in recent times, he cut shorts the conversation.  And once when I asked why he is not available,  he asked me if I want a gift. That made me more angry. Only last month, for the very first time I heard this from him ” I know what I do and why it hurts u. That’s the reason I bear your anger in return ” this was in response to when I suggested taking responsibility for his actions instead of diverting the topic.

Hi Anita, I am explaining 2 different  perspectives of me..one before the tragedy and one later. So it might have confused you. Looks like I am taking lot of space in the forum and your time as well, but to make it clear – As a kid we move to another room if parents fight , we dont analyze  their marriage or even think about it much. But as an adult and also in a low phase in one’s life, these things effect a lot. Hope u understand  the difference.  And w.r.t to my husband, he never ghosted/disappeared/mentally abused me. If we had issues , we argued/discussed and compromised to some level. I never got scared that he might leave me or my relationship  will end. I was always secure. But now in my current state, I get extremely  clingy when the new guy disappears, think I am wrong or unworthy of love ..whatever it is. I don’t feel secure.  Hope this is clear now.

Hi Anita, you are confusing me 🙂 I and my siblings were disturbed as kids when they fought but it didn’t effect us much. I don’t know what kind of attachment it is.  Only after I started staying together  with parents after my loss.. that I started analyzing why they fight and it also effected me a lot ..since I couldn’t understand  why they can’t appreciate the presence of a spouse when their own kid is mouring her spouse right in front of them.                                         Regarding my marriage,  yes it was a secure love  marriage,  my husband  was my super hero.  It was not the perfect marriage .

Hi Teak, agreed that I did nag him a lot but that started after his disappearing acts and more over its after 2 months after our first meeting.  I did notice his pattern of vanishing but never confronted in the initial months. He was available from 11 am to 9 pm my time. He lives 3 hours behind my time zone. So he leaves office at 6 pm his time and switches off the phone. I can never reach him on my own. He is the one who initiates and ends our contact timings.  At the same time, he was very demanding of my time when he is available..  calling multiple times if I don’t pick up.. constantly texting. It was nice to me initially but slowly my work time, cooking time, kid time ..everything got replaced by him. My me time is completely gone. Then I started putting boundaries and as well started demanding his private time. Questions on who he lives with, why can’t he remember me after going home etc. He never replied properly nor his contact timings changed.  Then my nagging started. I did share lot of my personal frustrations too but for that he would response positively,  calm me and make me happy. I could have walked away but I have my own selfish reasons.. apart from that .. he usually does what I ask for,  after repeated fights or if I stop talking. Most of the time he made me feel that he is putting effort to not loose me.  But I don’t have energy to fight, so let things take their course

Hi Teak, thanks for reading such huge paragraphs and replying 😊  that topic is extremely difficult  and I did share it with only one friend in my life . My friend suggested I live separately from them, which I am doing.  I never spoke directly with mom regarding this, but she knows I hate him. They have helped me a lot after my tragedy,  provided support in bringing up the kid. So I did bear it struggling inside myself, wearing hopelessly loose clothes . Now he changed, no old behavior as of now. May be because  of age.                                                                        Regarding that guy, his dialogue is same. He will meet me whenever he visits home city until either of us die. I can date other ppl and can walk away from him if I find myself a good relationship. He will always be there in case I wish to go back to him.                                                                            Planning  to talk to a therapist in the following  week and work on my issues. Hopefully I ll write a new post some time later with a fresh perspective and happy mind.