I mean that I am so good at acting like there is nothing internally wrong and that my ego is so strong, it over powers the weak but in a bad way. Which is obviously human but still ridiculous. I currently just live with my mentally disabled grandmother. My relationship with her since the ashamed feelings about family has increased. She knows more about me than ever before. However my brother, aunt, & papa don’t have a well relationship. They just know a childhood version of me & I choose not to see them often but when I do, I am really nice & loving because I do love them, I just don’t want to be like them. My brother thrives on one moment for him and I to connect again & tries to get me to drink with him & each time, I have said no. Maybe I would use cannabis with him, but that still is so foreign for me to even think about and I am not sure if it would help my at the moment situation.