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Jessie A

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  • January 27, 2016 at 7:47 am #93930
    Jessie A
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    Tami and Emile,
    Thank you for your response. Yes I have ended the affair relationship…again, I think about him often, see him in people, have things I want to text him. But I don’t. Bottom line, and it probably would continue if he had reached out to me more. I can’t and won’t be the one to reach out to him anymore. I have and am going to re-commit to my marriage. I have spoken to him about his drinking, what I am doing to better myself (counseling) and that I hope he wants to better himself as well but if he doesn’t, I will not continue to have a relationship where I am not happy. And his drinking and lack of intimacy does not make me happy. It will be up to him to change but it is also up to me whether I will stay and remain unhappy. You are right, the secrets are a burden. The end of the affair was something I wasn’t allowed to grieve because it shouldn’t have happened. I was sad, he knew I was sad, and it wasn’t because of him. I am coming to terms and accepting that the affair would have never transpired to anything. It was sexual with the utmost empty feeling afterwards. It really didn’t fulfill me in any sense.

    One of my favorite sayings, two things that can never be hidden, the sun and the truth. I do believe that and thank you all for your responses. Especially the men. I hope that I don’t continue to cheat. I don’t overburden with NEVER and PROMISE things that to myself and then beat myself up if I do them again. I will take it day by day, hour by hour. Get back to eat, shit, sleeping my husband. Hone in on him and only him and brush off the attention from others. I am a work in progress. I can only do better.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Jessie A.
    January 22, 2016 at 12:46 pm #93369
    Jessie A
    Participant

    Anita,
    Yes serious conflict with what I have done is correct, but it has obviously not stopped me from doing so. That is a part of me that I need to figure out and deal with. I agree my own responsibility it to myself and I hope that maybe he will see this and see that he can be a better person but I can’t be a good person and be with someone who is not. Like my father said, ‘you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink’. I can tell him, show him, help him but he will want to do this on his own. I can’t do it for him. And if he is not able to do it for me then he needs to let me go as well. Or is that a selfish thought?

    January 22, 2016 at 12:43 pm #93368
    Jessie A
    Participant

    Dave you said ‘separating” while staying in the same house could help (it worked for me).’ but prior to that said you were going to end things. Are you ending things because you want to be with the other person or because you did the in-house separation and saw it didn’t matter, you both tried and it’s for the best that you end the marriage?

    January 22, 2016 at 12:41 pm #93367
    Jessie A
    Participant

    Dave wow thank you so much for replying. Seriously. Great to see perspective from him/the other side. Would you mind answering what/why you drank? Was it because of her/your marriage? I hope that he can get help for himself. He’s a great man, I mean that, and I would love to have a relationship with him but I do feel that because of my disdain for his drinking and how I react to it, it has also caused him to be frustrated/upset, whatever else with me. I don’t want to give him an ultimatum, I feel like I am giving myself the ultimatum, whether to stay with him or not. It sucks. And I don’t want to continue to seek affection/passion/feelings/attention outside of my marriage. I would love to have it with him but if he is not capable then I feel I have to be good to myself and him to leave. What I expect and need and to give him what he doesn’t need, a cheating wife.

    January 22, 2016 at 10:58 am #93355
    Jessie A
    Participant

    Thanks Janssen. I know you are not a doctor. Even a doctor can tell me things, it’s up to me to do/follow through with things. I’m so torn. Because once I start the process I feel like there will be no going back, he will tell me to leave. And well if he does, I guess I made the right decision and he must have been feeling the same way.

    January 22, 2016 at 10:57 am #93353
    Jessie A
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for your thoughts although I don’t agree it that his drinking ‘relieves’ me of my sins (not religious, more just a spiritual being). And not you will not get hell for it. I feel like if here were sober he would see it. I’m almost too obvious but he is also a very trusting and believes me and what I say. I do feel bad. I have anxiety over him finding out. It would hurt him so much.

    I feel like I could ask him to live apart but I don’t know what that would do. I honestly think I would move forward with my life, start dating, meeting new men and moving on. So maybe that is what I need to do to start the process of leaving him.

    I agree that the drinking is an issue. I do drink but I’m also more into getting up in the morning, not feeling like shit and getting a few mile run in and going to yoga/barre classes.

    I think it is the best as well. And maybe I do move out of our bedroom. I do thank you for your thoughts.

    And you are correct, there are not minor children.

    January 22, 2016 at 10:25 am #93346
    Jessie A
    Participant

    I have brought up the lack of touching/kissing/oral/sex to him and he responds and says we are different people. He doesn’t, in my opinion, want to make me happy sexually. Therefore yes I have stepped out on our marriage. I know that I used to be content with it but my contentment and looking forward to the rest of my life, I don’t think I can be content. Am I afraid, hell yes. My family adores him, and always say talk, talk, talk to him. I do. He doesn’t talk back. I also feel like his drinking is his way of saying he is unhappy but he has been a drinker his whole life and he says it’s not me and that’s he’s not unhappy with us or me. I am going to counseling. I am doing what I can to try and take care of my part of the issue. I also know that I need to stop cheating on him. I miss feeling wanted, hence then feeling like a piece of shit afterwards because I feel used. I have to stop because mentally I can’t handle the feelings afterwards, even if I get them for a moment. It sucks emotionally.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by Jessie A.
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