Yeah probably around the evening hours. He would answer if I called or text I just don’t want my tone to be misinterpreted. Ironic to this conversation the lady just emailed and asked what we decided as far as dates so that’ll be my buffer.

I am cool though; I will be cool too.

If he doesn’t give me any feedback I will just have to like I said tell him MY plans and if I’m not getting a vibe from the conversation like he isn’t reciprocating then I will just leave it be and tell him that I wont be here for the last 2 weeks of the lease if he decides to stay.

All the furniture is mine except the bed FRAME so yeah.

Thats why him calling himself “getting his stuff together” Sunday annoyed the crap out of me because you dont see me getting stuff together like you cant use it. Everything in here to actually live life, is mine. The desk, the table, the couch you sleep on, the towels you use. COME ON! He needs to stop with the dramatics.

But to another point if he doesn’t leave at the end of the month then what he did Sunday is even more stupid because your really going to leave all this crap out like this for 3 weeks…the level of childishness is astonishing truly.

I would like to think optimistically that he will come in I will say “hey the leasing lady email about the day we are leaving. I want to leave on the 31st so what is your thoughts?”

Hopefully he says “yeah the end of the month is cool”

And I can release a *sigh* of relief because; that’s it really…

John still pops in my head sometimes. But I try to talk myself out of it…Leo too. SMH

But I AM moving out in 10 days I guess my thinking was the mood I am in is so drastically influenced by my environment…why would I start medicine before I see if a change in scenery provides me with the relief I need.

& No its not worth it. I need to not have a job when I am there otherwise I wont be able to cope with the discomfort.

All of this has been drama so not really no…just that without the rose colored glasses some of the things he does are truly ridiculous comedy to me.

To the person who doesn’t love him these things are obvious. But I am usually to busy reacting to the button he tries to press then actually looking at all the trouble he is going thru just trying to make me feel some kind of way….so yes. Yes! that is a insightful way to look at it.

What if he put just as much effort in these moments into wanting to see me happy. I wish he wanted me happy too. As a women we all know the very unoriginal yet go to ways any man can make it clear that 1. he is sorry 2. you are missed and valued and 3. you arent going anywhere without him…lol

..sadly I think he is experiencing it the way you described above. Maybe thats the only way he can cope…I mean think about it..if he cant focus on me and what I am doing over these days that bother him…He would actually have to think about what he did to contribute to us being in this situation not just looking for more ammunition to validate the feelings hes is having.

Thing is…I already know mutually what went on here. So I can go directly to “I am sad about the present!”. He is too busy trying to validate his want to truthfully “NOT CARE”

What will be a shame is that when he blinks and realizes he spent so much time doing this, trying to hold on to his pride, trying to make some point.. that he actually didn’t realize how important I am to him and by then I’ll be over it because of how he is acting.

Thing about me is..its really really hard lol to not like me during a break up. I’m too nice.. I mean I am a nice person overall but really; since we have already had one conflict and now our relationship is over why would I continue to be in your way. So EVERYTHING I do generally is ultra polite, I just stay out of the way of anything to provoke more conflict (which would fuel him and his rationale at this time) I just say screw it. If he says something to me and I feel he has a attitude, your gf would have a come back. Not your gf….is saying ok and going back in the room because I AM NOT about to argue with him.

Yet also I have to acknowledge that he truthfully could just really not care. Crazy and hard to believe but maybe he had enough too..who knows?

Hey Anita. My weekend was quite stressful I just tried to live and not focus on whats going on around me.

He was being kind of petty this weekend. My best friend came down and we had a slumber party. She helped me kind of not fall into his drama. He still upset me yesterday because sometimes he is just so extra.

I can’t really tell yet if he doesn’t care or he is just trying very hard to exude it. But still no apology in the air…

I cant really worry about if he cares anymore though. That’s what I have told myself over the past few days. I just need to live…live genuinely but as if he isn’t even there.

I’m still getting my head wrapped around not letting him affect my decisions. Like I said above, living genuinely and do what I want but not things that have anything to do with him if it makes sense. Just trying not to care what he would think about what I am doing. Because facts are I have no idea what he has been doing the past 11 days.

But if he is so dead set on acting as if none of this phases him…I don’t know if I can match that. But I can exude that nothing your taking from me (figuratively or literally) can’t be replaced. Rice cooker or anything else lol <–there one goes haha.

But overall my weekend was good my best friend made the time enjoyable instead of me sitting around thinking about him.

Ive organized a plan on what I am going to do on the 30th and I am confident that everything is going to go well.

Best friend says he just doesn’t appreciate me so this time will either make him realize that what I brought to his life was irreplaceable and he was fortunate OR he will remain in his mindset. Either way she thinks my decision is the best for showing what he is willing to do for what we had together.

So if it does turn out to be that we never connect again. I will know that he just wasn’t who was for me anyways. A very long time ago I should have put him in the position to decide about me on his own. Instead I made choices and gravitated myself to him almost to where he didn’t even have to choose it because I was already in the palm of my hand. I let him affect my decision making before I should have which maybe if I hadn’t I would have corned him a lot sooner into showing me this side of him. What happens when someone isn’t basically…chasing after him.

Yeah but I don’t have anywhere to really go right now other than a couch. I guess I have to decide the degree of discomfort I’m willing to tolerate over the next 2-4 weeks. Because yes I can go to my mothers. But it isn’t like I’d be going back to my old childhood room. That’s a complicated situation too. My mom lives in a 1bedroom. She’s really annoying and I just don’t know which is more intolerable right now.

Bad…

I love him, I do. It deeply saddens me for numerous reasons.

The feeling of being without him…I don’t know if just right now.. I still don’t know any better?. But to think about never seeing him again or something just kills me, I tear up typing it.

But what can I do?…I may be who I am and feel how I feel about things but I can’t be in a position where someone acts that way AND has no remorse or accountability. On the list of things I have planned for the next 50 years…cleaning up my feelings and actions ALONG WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S because they don’t accept accountability for the things they do is too much. Its too much emotional weight for someone in the mental state I am in especially right now.

But not really; I don’t feel the relief yet. I usually do which is strange. I know the feeling your describing.

But I wanted this with him. I just wanted it to be good. Even though sometimes I feel like we set ourselves up to fail. I didn’t plan to have to do this with someone else again.

Behind every man we date there are 2 men behind him..one who is going to treat you better and one who will treat you worse. There are so many options and I know that I can find better…But I just..I wanted him.

Its hard still living there, that is taking a emotional toll on me in general.

Because I KNOW I could have resolved this by now…selfsooth the whole 9….but I’m just not going to do that this time. So to be in the space of the person you love and not being able to talk to them and interact with him. It a lot.

Thanks Anita!

Yes we are still living together. He is sleeping on the couch, staying out of the house a lot. Almost like before when I had asked him to move out and he was working all those hours.

I think I am going to go stay with my mom for a while. Our Lessor said we can leave on the 31st (instead of the 14th of april) I asked him about that before we fell out and he wasn’t that into it but now. If he hasn’t spoke to me by tomm I am probably going to tell him I am leaving on the 31st and he can pay the rent for the 2 weeks in april if he really needs that time to make more money to move.

I didn’t want it to be temporary…but I also need a unpressured genuine apology….as the days go by more and more I don’t feel like I am going to get that.

I just feel like I worked way too fucking hard to keep our relationship together in all terms of our conflicts 90% of the time. I run the ball back every time. We had said numerous times in the past that, I mean if it wasn’t for me…we would have already broke up. I.E. waiting on him to do something more just usually doesn’t happen.

That is not to say I have never gotten an apology from him. But very few far in between and furthermore one that I didn’t have to coax out of him with conversations, talks of the incident prompted by me, or just expelling a energy I’m open to accepting your apology .

This time I just washed my hands with it. I speak through the house and say hello or whatever. I’m not walking around brooding or anything. But I have to just keep telling myself….IF HE WANTED YOU HE WOULD COME GET YOU. PERIOD.

I just keep repeating it to myself every time I get closer to making a move towards the above actions.

He is wrong and I am due an apology. If I just brushed passed this 1. it would only continue to escalate, 2. let him think he can just talk to me any way he wants to and 3. I would be the retarded idiot he says I am to come back and act like this isnt a HUGE deal to me.

I have stuck my neck out for our relationship a million times….for me to get brushed away, for him to say he’s still annoyed and not talk to me, or ignore me for days and I still talk to him and be nice to him till he comes around. I have been denied by him in my efforts to resolve situations he wasn’t ready to yet. I kept trying..because I love him and I want him.

I deserve that too. No one wants someone who just is around because its easy. No one wants someone who can just do with or without them at the drop of a hat. So I just have to keep telling myself if he wanted me…he would have me. 

I do however feel a way that even if he is okay with not being together anymore…how can he not apologize for what he said. I am STILL due a apology whether this relationship continues or not. Otherwise it wouldnt be cordial between us to say the least after. I know he is stubborn and stubborn people rationalize things weird in their heads. But the other day I was in my feelings and he asked when I walked in if I was ok. I said “no” put my purse down walked in the bathroom and turned the water on and started crying and then went in my room and got in the bed..mind you this is 5pm but I do have really nice blackout curtains. He comes in probably a hour later and says “Are you sure you dont want to talk about it” I said “no” I have tossled with this thought since then. Basically asking myself what exactly I was saying no to in that moment.

But I concluded that to me, he knows I am not ok because I stated it. He knows why I am sad (us) if it is some alternate thing making me upset (we aren’t talking so why are you asking me). So to me its like asking the person your broken up with and still don’t want to be with to talk about their “feelings” ..WHY? What do we have to discuss. I have friends who I can tell the unchanging idea that my relationship is over. I don’t need to express that to you. So unless you are coming to me with new information, (I.E) HE does not like the break up, fact that we arent talking, fact that he should apologize..he should put himself in the position to do it.

Don’t ask me “do I want to talk” about the thing that we both caused that isnt changing.

Like oh yeah; lets talk about water levels rising….oh okay…what have they risen too? Oh theyre the same lets just talk about them being the same though….NOOOOO! No one is doing that!!

If its over its over and me crying to him isnt going to change that make it better or make me feel better. So yeah. I waited the week to see if he would come around before not including him in my decision to tell my mom I am going to come there.

I dont know what to do or say. I am really at a loss 🙁

Hey Anita..

So…we broke up.

It has been a week yesterday.