Yeah that is true. I wanted it to be so black and white so that the decision would be easier.

But it was very grey to me which is why making the decision caused me so much distress.
——–

And yes. John is the headliner on this post.

But sometimes I find myself feeling like I always choose the wrong person over Leo…even in this instance. I feel like we never had a real shot ya know.

Hunt, I hesitate because I think sometimes that he may know too much. He may not be able to look past what he knows I have been into the past 3-4 years. Its okay when we see each other every once in a while but I dont know if he would look past it. I have the least invested in him emotionally.

double post..

I thought I knew what I wanted. That how I got here.

I had convinced myself of what I needed and further more what I was okay with in regards to “A” relationship.

I thought I was down for whatever.

Everything was going to work out and if it didnt I would get over it.

All the preconceived notions I made about what I want like from my ex for example; are the baby versions of what Glen did to me except I was also in a home with him so it was 1000X different and more escalated. You know the , talk to me, pay more attention to me, text me back faster, text me when you wake up, tell me you love me more, your mood was weird today, doesnt seem like you want me around, I dont see any problems with cohabitation, Im not defensive, I’m not nagging, I’m not asking for too much….

I thought living together, personal space outside the relationship, communication and responses…i thought I had it all figured out…which is why my partners didnt fulfill me. Because they SHOULDNT I needed to fulfill me and then whatever they came with would be a addition I decide to accept or decline…It shouldnt have been like that

I thought I had it all figured out. almost as if I wanted someone obsessed with me….

But I now see that what I thought I wanted comes at a price sometimes depending on who you deal with.

I have learned a lot. I am definitely a better person for this…even though I am the worst version of myself to DATE!…However what I understand about myself now…what I know about myself and self worth now…I would probably not gotten here without this experience. I most likely would have continued to put pressures on my relationships after and who knows what mess I would have ended up in while realizing yearsss later that this actually isnt what I wanted.

At the end of the day I thought I wanted something that I completely was not ready for or stable enough for….

No problem. TTYS

That what he will preach till he dies and I guess I will let him.

He says the Hunt thing was cheating

He saw I searched Leo once on social media he saw it in my search history. He felt like that was a slap in that face….(But if you ask every woman 16-35 and has access to social media..its just something we do)

He sees me “not” telling him about Leo as me withholding the information that I guess would have set him free a long time ago I guess smh..all I can do is shake my head.

He literally said all of my transgressions against him are worse than what he has done because my things involved other people and his didnt.

You know one of the last things he said to me when we were having this argument before it went left and he made it all about me and not being trustworthy….I had called him 3 times that day anita..10am/4pm/5pm I text him like I have been calling you all day. You know what he says…”you only called 2 times” I say..uhh well heres the screen shot of my call log AND since you are informing me that you saw my calls what?…2 isnt enough…he said I just looked…but no 2 isnt enough….

I was like dog….what the fuck is wrong with this man. Like literally what the fuck

I said compared to what none? He hasnt called or text me first since he has been gone but has the nerve to feel wronged and ignored and like he isnt getting attention or the same attention he used to get. From whatever factory he made that crap up in.

I was like do you even hear what you say when you say it.. the shit sound insane. He literally sounds crazy. I still cant speak on him filterless. But damn it man. Its like he says things that are completely illogical and then gets mad at you when you dont see things his way.

“I am mad your not showing me attention”

“I called you 3 times”

“That isnt enough”

WHATTTTTTTTTTTT? There is no longer any way to cope with it in my mind.

Well .to make the beginning short and sweet we had talked a few days before we moved out.

Nothing really seemed to be getting anywhere and I was kind of feeling like he was trying to stone wall me back into the situation.

You know he was on that “I cant be with you and not live together crap.”
So I guess trying to reinforce that statement he kept waiting I guess for me to change my mind and tell him I wasnt going.

That didnt happen. What did happen was I left and he is now in a different state working a traveling contracting job. I took him to the airport last Monday morning the vibe was “ok”

Since then its just been tension!. Almost like he is bothered by not having control over me anymore so every time I talk to him we end up in a disagreement.

We had a big blow up that just was literally all over the place. To the point where I was just like “ok…email the leasing lady and tell her the address you want your deposit to go to (cuz he was sending it to me)” and we basically were like “its done.”

He went from a argument about social media, to talking about Hunt, to talking about Leo and then the entire conversation just erupted. in the end He basically said “Thank you for wasting my f***ing time” and that was the day before yesterday night.

I just was over it.

I thought about it all day yesterday and he just isnt the man for me.

Regardless of the love…it doesnt matter.

So I have this urge to kind of just purge him from my life as much as possble. but Idk why I have in the back of my head like I am going to “hurt” him. He doesnt give a F when he hurts me or my feelings.

I changed all my password to my stuff. took him off my snapchat (he had already removed me because hes a child), hid my relationship status on facebook and want to delete all the pictures of us.

I dont know why I feel anxious in saying it and doing it.

But I also dont know why I hesitated. Like questioning myself like “oh wait a couple days” FOR WHAT??

Because I am DECIDING in lucid frame of mind he is not the man for me, he makes me weak, our relationship feed off codependency, he does not bring out the best in me, he stresses me to the point where it physically effects me, I am not respected, and I am only heard at his discretion, he judges me, he doesnt trust me…I CANNOT BE WITH HIM. Its toxic its unhealthy.

The conversation that occured Monday effected me so deeply because beyond all that occurs with us. He never could get to me in regards of changing my idea of reality. and the other day during this conversation I found myself that next day questioning who I was. If what I had done was “ok.” like he was now my judge and jury. The conversation was about my past. He was almost persecuting me for having “not” told him about me and Leo. (I am 100% positive I told him) but it gets brought up in this conversation and he acts like he never heard it before and so now that changes everything to him supposedly and that he would have left me a long time ago if he had know that etc etc.

I really felt like wtf are you thinking….I have never questioned my past relationships and who I have chosen or not chosen to sleep with. I have never quantified it for a level of validation from anyone but especially the men I date. Its my past and it I dont have to justify it to anyone. That has always been my feelings. But this MF really had be questioning myself likeeee…”have i slept with too many people” “is there not enough distance between my partners” “am I …dare I say it..’hoe'”??

And then I had to snap back to reality for a second and take a good look. I was picking myself apart about something that will NEVER change because its the past. and for what? for who? Hes not a virgin….Im not the only …or even 2nd person he has slept with. He needs to get off his fucking high horse and stop judging people….

So that kind set this off. But I know I am weak for him…so I just have this intense urge to solidify my VERY SMART LOGICAL decision by doing something that not only prevent me from going back to him…but almost make him mad enough or get under his skin enough that he will not reach out to me again (i.e status, snapchat, deleting photos). ….which we know him he walked around in our damn house for almost a month without having a conversation sooo but you never know…this is when people like to surprise you smh smh

So I am sure. Nothing is changing or getting better and I cant deal with it. I dont have to. Regardless of my transgressions I am too damn nice and can do better and be with someone who treats me better.

Hi Anita!

Very good point.

The things I cannot change: How he interprets my actions, How he reacts to feeling “wronged”, how he feels about me overall, That he doesn’t see fault in how he addresses his grievances, That I cannot force him to see it and CHANGE. I cannot make him who I would LIKE for him to be in order to have a healthy functioning relationship.

Courage to act…Courage to understand that sometimes all you can do is remove myself, I can speak my mind on what I feel, That I can say no and that I have had enough, That I can change my lifestyle and my mindset to remove those who take from who I AM. To create boundaries in the future and don’t allow people take advantage or take me for granted. That if someone doesnt appreciate me…leave

Knowing the difference between what I truthfully have control over and dont…to stop holding myself accountable for the choices that are inevitably someone elses… as if I FAILED..