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Jenny Lynn

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 141 total)
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  • Jenny Lynn
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    Yeah that’s what I think too in regards to Glen. Like literally the message in itself and the response was the actual question really. But I definitely wasn’t going to press him further about it.Ā Its relieving to know he’s exactly the same personĀ he wasĀ 6 months ago. Me and you both know Anita that 1. There’s nothing else to be said and 2. even still Glen; the Glen we both know never uses his words to his positive advantage. There would be times there was a million things he could have said to resolve or bring light into something and he would always choose the latter. So of course that was his approach which yes the contact was out of character for him…(but people talk a good game with that you will never hear from me again crap) but not enough for me to be like oh wow that was so unlike him..blah blah blahh lol

    So yea, over that. I just told myself to forget it even happened. Besides I am dating John and conversing with some other guys that I’ve met over social media that live in my area just getting to know them. I’m preoccupied enough to focus on my goals and not be distracted by drama that he would DEF bring if I had even made one more inquiry as to what he wanted.

    Yeah I am ready to move back ‘home’ though. I just don’t want to feel like I am rushing it or anything.

    I do think itll be the solution to a few issues I am having which is not being in that city very often, not seeing my friends as often, not knowing ppl where I live, not being in a place I find comfortable, and being able to see John more. But sooner rather than later I’d like to move back the job pays well enough that If I started it in Oct I could move byĀ November really. But if I didn’t I could save so much money. Its just hard for me to see my motivations clearly. But my independence is very important to me as well. It may not bother most people but I enjoy going to a home that MINE and coming in and doing whatever I want and being alone. My mom is notĀ worrisome and leaves me alone a vast majority of the time. But stillĀ I would like to just be by myself. I am going back to school in August 2019 hopefully in the city. So why not go ahead and make the transition?

    Also my birthday is next week. So that’ll be interesting to see how that’s going to go. Geeezz the suspense. I kind of just set myself to have no expectations so that I don’t get disappointed. But I don’t know why I get like this lately I used to always be so excited for my birthday. Yet again, Im not really feeling this one this year. But time is going to pass regardless. I like organized things and this is kinda spotty just because my money is wavering and with that comes the ability to kind of do whatever I want.Ā Im not in the shape I would like to be in…so many things.

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Yesss! Thatā€™s the same thing I thought. ā€œYou saidā€

    but then he pulled back and didnā€™t respond. Still in my head I was like it probably took a lot for him to do that.

    Yeah weā€™re going to have to. But Iā€™m about to retransition.

    I got a really good possible job opportunity where I lived previously before coming to live my mom.

    I think if offered Iā€™m going to take it. As well that means Iā€™d be driving a 1 1/2 each way for work. But Iā€™m currently already driving about a hour.

    Then after I save some money I was considering moving bk.

    I donā€™t know though. Any thoughts?

     

    and yes I embraced your ā€œ lol ā€œ

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Hey there!

    Im good. Just working and stuff. Ironing out the details of my life coming.

    Started a healthy routine. Losing weight. I get up at like 4:50am MWF.

    Still dating John lol.

    But you are never gonna guess who text me Sunday………GLEN!

    He said ā€œI have a questionā€

    i sent a ? Back and he put a questioning notification on it and I said whatā€™s the question. He never text me back. ….

    I guess that was his question. Smh. Heā€™s annoying.

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    I think so too. And truthfully I think ppl try and make me feel bad about that. But Iā€™ve came to realize. Iā€™m someone who doesnā€™t have an issue being alone. I just..donā€™t want to. I donā€™t like it. I like having an intimate connection with someone. I have great friends, I always have, but itā€™s a different interaction.

    Being a person who I feel didnā€™t ever experience true expressive love. And spent the greater part of my life alone and without outward expressions of affection to me from others. When I came to college. I liked it. I enjoy it. I also like hanging out with guys. I always have. One of my truest best friends Iā€™ve ever had was in high school & was a guy. But then in this time frame everything gets complicated cuz I end up having feelings for ppl I shouldnā€™t sometimes.

    Iā€™ve ran across good ppl, and messed things up because the bad ppl who gave me more direct attention. Even when their intentions for me werenā€™t as good

    but I am tired of feeling like Iā€™m a awful person because I consciously can say I want to be in a relationship. I love, love. And I love being loved. Our experiences shape us and everyone is different. My experiences made me have an attachement to relationships because of the way I was treated as a kid I think. The idea that someone I want. Wants me. And we continuously want each other. I love that shit.

    I could do myself a favor and not love it at my own expense.

    But I am Libra. We are the love sign lol.

    My thing I need to work on is when to heed the red flag and walk away from ppl.

    Ill try what u suggested.

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Yeah. I guess we will see how this getting over John thing is gonna go.

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    So what do I do about John…just stop ?

    Do I walk away? I donā€™t think I know how.

    If I could have came to this conclusion all on my own I wouldnā€™t have went bk in the first place.

    ..I think.

    And Glen. I almost every other day I reiterate to myself that the bad may not have been more than the good. But the bad was just too heavy for me and the person I AM.

    I hold back and I keep myself from doing what I hope will fade at some point. The want to reach out to him…itā€™s been almost 5 months and we havenā€™t seen or spoke. šŸ™

    yet idk if thereā€™s a world where a friendship or …anything really between could exist.

    So what? Is everyone gone? Weā€™re they all mistakes? This is one of those what do I have that correlate all these situations to not working.

    ā€”ā€”-

    work and life are fine. Not any more or less fine than last time. I still have my plan, Iā€™m going to be bk in school hopefully next year.

    And hopefully move bk to where I lived before next year too.

    My birthday is next month. Still donā€™t feel like I have much to celebrate again. But hey.

    I wake up everyday so thatā€™ll do for now lol

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Anita…

    So much has been going on in my head.

    Why do I miss Glen….like a lot ? Ughh

    I feel like Iā€™m second guessing my decision..

    & John things are just okay. Nothing spectacular. I donā€™t know if me and John just arenā€™t on the same page. Or he just isnā€™t that into me anymore. Or the fact that I live a hour away stifles our way of doing the dating thing how we are used to.

    But it seems like when Iā€™m there things are good. And then I leave and itā€™s like weā€™re associates of sorts. We donā€™t really talk when weā€™re apart and probably see him every 2 weeks and I go up there.

    I cant get mad at someone for not feeling exactly how I feel exactly when I feel it but I just sometimes donā€™t know what to expect from him and our interactions.

    I know this isnā€™t a movie and I didnā€™t expect him to just leap into my arms the day we met up but since then itā€™s just been kind of the same monotone thing. There are moments of spark but others lack luster. I donā€™t really give as much as I did before because it is risky me being there exposed; my feelings all out and to do the actions that reflect my feelings would just be too much without any commitment from him. Giving him everything hurt last time so I have kind of a wall up and he can tell.

    I try to examine how he is thinking. Last weekend we hung out Friday-Sunday. We went to one of his events out of town and it was nice. But also reminded me of who exactly I was dealing with too.

    Nobody is perfect. I know.

    But back to my earlier metaphor. I didnā€™t expect the Disney ā€œoh Iā€™ve been waiting for you all this time letā€™s go get marriedā€ but itā€™s been 4 months since we have been dating again and I donā€™t really even feel a shift in his feelings. Like his handling of me is still the same.

    We had a discusssion about my feelings on the drive back last Sunday and he just listened and conversed with me. We have a very healthy line of communication. But he as well said that transparently he doesnā€™t feel that ā€œwantā€ for me yet. I can appreciate the honesty. Because frankly we both know I didnā€™t leave my relationship FOR him. And I donā€™t necessarily want to be in a relationship with him Right Now. I just feel like it should feel different. Or something should be different. But I canā€™t decide if Iā€™m overthinking it or not.

    Hunt and me are threwwww.

    If I get nothing less from any of the past guys I interact with. I just want closed/locked doors so I can move on with my life

    yes or no answers. In a lot of my lingering relationships in the past I now I noticed the big thing in common was the lack of closure

    nothing shutting the door on our relationship but just leave it cracked and then those same dudes who end up not being important effect the relationships Iā€™m actually in. Itā€™s a issue.

    Like Hunt ; itā€™s a pretty hard pill to swallow that I literally am fine with never talking to him again . It is a revelation of about 3 weeks ago. However I still think, the birthday fiasco would have never happened if I had realized this before. If I had this closure before that it was clear he doesnā€™t care about me, we arenā€™t for each other and so on. But as well being confident in that. So that I donā€™t even think him because I know I donā€™t want that anymore based on the clear actions he showed me over the past few months. But that really put a huge strain on my relationship. Itā€™s why we started talking..

    As welllll in my months of solitude I have realized many things and to jump back to Glen thatā€™s I guess where these thoughts creep in.

    Iā€™ve been doing good with ignoring the Glen thoughts. But (short story) John had 2 events that weekend. The day before I was supposed to come he called me and said yeah so I got booked and I just wanted to tell you since your coming that you can come with. But also I wanted to tell you last time I was here your ex (Glen) was here. So you can decide. Itā€™s up to you if you donā€™t want to go I understand.

    but in that moment. Itā€™s was like he made him a person again. The little box I placed him in my mind is gone and I had to decide whether or not to go.

    I didnā€™t go.

    For more than 1 reason. I was sick. I was kinda tired. But also…because of him.

    I canā€™t place why. But the fact that I didnā€™t want him to see me there with him Idk what to do with that.

    So yeah. Thatā€™s all the anxious thoughts I need help sorting thru. Lol

    ill wait for your reply in the morning. šŸ™‚

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Yeah probably. But not as drastic as before. Iā€™m not as stressed therefore itā€™s not as consuming.

    I find myself a little bored sometimes and get a little restless so I get into my own head.

    It more like I know Iā€™m still depressed I just am in a circumstance right now where itā€™s not that bad.

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Yeah Iā€™ll Ā need another one. Unfortunately. But A year and a half-2 years isnā€™t that long. Itā€™s either that or go straight to law school and I just donā€™t know if thatā€™s what I want.

    But yeah Iā€™m trying to just keep everything in perspective

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Public Health like Administrators for government or healthcare organizations or Project Managers for like emergency protocols and product safety.

    I have to get a bachelors 48 hours and then the Masters 44 hours. So about 3 1/2-4 years.

    Or get the bachelors and then get my law degree so thatā€™s Ā about 5 years total.

    ā€”ā€”ā€”

    Oh yea Leo is in a relationship.

    And Hunt I donā€™t think is the guy for me. Itā€™s hard for me to put into words but yeah.

    I took a trip to see him on the road for his job. He just makes me feel a little too ā€œfatheredā€ I donā€™t really care for it.

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Yeah.

    Iā€™m probably going to work part time till Spring and then go back to school for Public Health.

    Me and John, Iā€™m just taking it really slow. I missed him so Iā€™m glad to have him back in my life. I just want to not get attached to him too quickly or for no reason. so I keep my distance while I try and get to a better place on my own.

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Itā€™s going fine. Iā€™m just enjoying being around him again.

    The headline however was true. I do still love him. Never stopped.

    I donā€™t think it invalidates the feelings we both know I have/had (whatever) for Glen. However, after seeing him that first time. I knew what I had been thinking was true. I still loved him.

    We are just casually hanging out. Itā€™s fine.

    ā€”ā€”-

    but yeah itā€™s weird like thinking about the things that trigger memories about him. Like cooking a certain meal or using certain dishes. It gives me this moment of anxiety to the point where I just avoid it really. Itā€™s like I donā€™t want to do the things that remind me of him. But everything reminds me of him. Smh. Ā So the past 2+ months thatā€™s been supported by my ability to kind of ignore it because I was still out of my normal routine of not having my things and etc when I first came here to my moms. I basically had my clothes and air mattress. But as I said above as I started to just do small things like cooking instead of eating out. He just pops into my head and I get sad and donā€™t want to do it. We moved this week and I swear I havenā€™t slept in my bed in almost 3 months. I talked about how excited I was and then the day I could sleep in it I found myself at my moms apartment on my air mattress. I thought to myself why am I not going to sleep in my bed? So I psyched myself up and got my stuff and came to my moms new house at like 11:30 at night. I literally made up my bed and was about to get in it and I just didnā€™t want to. This overwhelming sadness just came over me. Like this was OUR bed. He literally built this bed for us. Itā€™s been 4 nights now and I still have residue feelings even as I sleep. Itā€™s weird.

    ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”ā€”-

    Things with my mom are fine. She just bought a house so I have my own space now. Itā€™s much more comfortable. Iā€™m not working right now though. I left my job probably the day after I talked to you last.

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Iā€™m doing good/ok. Been with my mom now for 3 months. Me and Glen stayed broken up. We havenā€™t talked since that day. Iā€™ve seen John we are hanging out.

    Recently Iā€™ve just had this overwhelming sense of missing Glen and no one to talk to about it :/

    Maybe itā€™s because of the recent move into my moms house forced me to look at all of our stuff again and/or acknowledge our stuff. Because when I came I kind of only had my necessities until she closed on her house.

     

    Hmm. Yea. I donā€™t know what Iā€™m going thru.

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Hey Anita. Long time no talk. šŸ™‚

    Jenny Lynn
    Participant

    Yeah that makes sense.

    Hunt just operates on his own time. Itā€™s not like he is necessarily late or not punctual. He just prioritizes himself and his convenience first. He does have a kinda busy life (I used to not understand that).

    I respect it really. But it still annoys me.

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 141 total)