To me it’s a matter of accepting your flaws AS you try to change. In other words, not punishing yourself or beating yourself up for this perceived flaw, and accepting that this is a part of your personality that you wish to change because you feel as though it’s having a detrimental affect on your life and the lives of others.

All the self-knowledge in the world means nothing without willingness to then make the changes we feel necessary. And sadly, we can apologize all we want, but that doesn’t erase what we’ve said. If you feel you’re hurting others, and that this makes you feel bad, by all means do everything you can do work through it.

So stop those thoughts. Only you have the power to do it.

Forgiveness is literally the only way to get past something like this. Looking at it as a learning situation, something your soul needed to learn, and moving on. Holding on to past stories, to anger and resentment, placing blame on the self…it’s just a waste of time and energy, and it sends a message to your brain that this is still going on, so your body holds on to the tension and negative energy. It’s just no good.

You ask what helps transform, and that’s my answer. Forgiveness. Blessing the person and the experience, releasing it all, and moving on. You may need to forgive them a hundred times a day at first, whenever they pop up in your brain, but it WILL pass. I promise you that.

The only way to move on from this is to just move on.

It takes time. It takes dedication to yourself. But there is more to life than this.

Sadly, heartbreak happens – it’s a chance we all take when we open our heart to someone else. I know it held me back for a long time, not wanting to be hurt again.

The only cure is time, and getting your own life in order. Fill up with your friends, your interests, your hobbies. Get the hell off Facebook for a while (seriously, there’s more to life, my friend). Stop the stalking. It’s a waste of your time and your life. In time you’ll see what I mean. And no one can help you with that but you.

This girl is not the only girl in the world, and you’ll see that in time.

Best wishes to you!

Ariadne, you’ve been through a lot, and the fact that you’re looking to improve your life says a LOT about you.

One thing I’d encourage you to look into is the way you identify with your past stories – incarceration, etc. What if you left those stories by the wayside? After all, they’re not YOU. YOU are a person with gifts and talents and insight and joys and pleasures and dreams. You are not your past, you are not where you’ve been. All of that may have informed the person you are right now, but they’re not YOU.

You talk about a lie of omission. But here’s the thing: No one needs to know about your past if you don’t want them to. It’s none of their business. And again, it doesn’t have to be part of your life if you don’t want it to.

You talk about writing – a great outlet! Do you have a blog? If not have you considered starting one? There are all kinds of ways to connect with fellow writers – groups on Facebook, websites (seriously there are so many – just google it). Comment on the blogs of other writers (Emily Suess is one who comes to mind, she gives great tips and has a big following, you’re sure to connect with people through her blog). Explore a little. The internet is a big wide place.

DO NOT limit yourself. DO NOT listen to the voices that tell you you can’t. They’re just voices, and it’s up to you to decide that they’re full of $hit.

And stop identifying so strongly with your past stories. Are you using them as a shield, maybe, as your calling card? As the only thing you think is interesting enough to share with people? Seriously – no one has to know, no one has to even care. I wonder if you’re not using your past as a way to hold people at bay – and that’s not a criticism, either, it’s just my coach self coming out and feeling the need to speak up. It’s definitely worth thinking about.

Consider starting a new story – creating a new version of you. Because you’re so much more than your past. You can do it. I know you can.

Hi Jess,

First of all, your friends need to take their opinions elsewhere. You know that, right? I mean it’s none of their business. They’re just projecting their own obvious insecurities on to you.

Here’s the only thing that matters: Are you comfortable where you are? Don’t take into account what the scale says or what you’re “supposed” to weigh. How do you FEEL? If you feel tired, sluggish, uncomfortable, by all means take measures to make yourself feel better. Eat foods which will energize you, work out in whatever way is fun for you – I love dancing around the house while cleaning, doing zumba classes via videos I find on youtube, stretching, walking, whatever. You don’t need to work out in a gym – just move your body.

Understand that if you have the feeling that you need to accept your body as it is, you have to honor that feeling. The fact is, it’s the only choice any of us have: Making the most of what we have in the moment. Far too often we put off feeling good about ourselves to some other time in the future – once we’ve lost weight, or once we find a relationship, or once we have a bunch of money in the bank. It’s such a waste of time and energy. I applaud you for wanting to accept yourself the way you are in the moment – it’s the only way to be happy.

And again, if you want to make changes, do them out of love, because they make you feel good/positive/energetic/healthy. Not because there are other people in your life who feel the need to impress their own twisted ideas on to you. You’re better than that.

((HUGS)) to you! Hang in there, okay?

• This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by tinybuddha.