@Tartaruga, Thanks! I think is helpful when I hear from other people struggling with something similar. Thanks!

@Anita, I did actually re-read my previous post. Our relationship has evolved so much that it’s just in a different place right now. At the time, his depression wasn’t letting him commit, now I understand a lot of that. Now that we are in a committed relationship I have realized his depression always finds the way in, if it’s not one thing is the next one and the next one. I have heard from people that sometimes depression is the third person in the relationship, sometimes that’s how it feels and at least now, we talk openly about it and we both acknowledge this exists. I think that what I am dealing right now is the same but different, because I do want to help, but I want to help doing the right thing, and this can get so frustrating that sometimes I get exhausted and I just want to know how to be here for me, for him and for our relationship. After reading my previous post I realized the depression was there as well, just that I wasn’t that aware of it as I am now.

@Simona Adina Thank you!  I want to thank you for your story and for opening up. As I read what you wrote, is almost like listening to my bf talk to me, so I know that he is not alone in what he experiences. You are right, sometimes he doesn’t understand why I am with him and he keeps asking me, I just tell him that he is the most wonderful person I know, because is true. He is usually very thankful, but sometimes he goes back at saying “you deserve better than this”

I know I cannot understand what he is going through and sometimes we talk about that, I can’t help to sometimes feel frustrated and say things like ” but look how well are you doing” or “everything will be alright”, I have a hard time sitting there just listening to his pain and not being able to do anything, it breaks my heart. I have tho, lately, since I read about about helping a loved one with depression, I sit there and just listen and tell him is okay and that I am there for him and that he can tell me anything and listen without judgement. I call it our “judgment free space” and he feels more encouraged to speak. But sometimes I feel that not being understood frustrates him as well. He has even wondered if he should date someone who comes also from a broken family (only when he is depressed). He journals and of course is his private thing so I don’t know what he writes about, but he tells me it helps him. Thanks for all your advise, since he has been in therapy and reading books he usually keeps himself busy and goes to the gym and plays his music. all of that makes him feel better, but the internal dialogue stays the same, I wish he could learn how to be more kind with himself. The depression has been here for around 20 years already and he feels like is not getting any better. However,  I have known him for 3 years and for the last year and a half I have since a huge improvement in his life. Thanks again, I am going to continue listening to him and being present.

Thank you, Mark

I am healing and opening space for the light to come

Hi Anita,

Thank you for the advice. It resonates with everything I am thinking now. I was taught to believe in love and that love can conquer everything. Right now, I am redirecting that love to myself, knowing that my love for myself can conquer everything. I am going to give us the chance to navigate the short term commitments we agreed on and see if he can start helping himself. If this doesn’t go in a way that makes me feel calm and in peace, I am going to let go of the relationship. I just wish I could find a way to keep him in my life.

Hi Mark,

Thank you. He usually sticks to his word. But my insecurities are making me think that this is not going to work. So far, he has communicated with me as usual and we have plans to meet soon. I also promised that I was going to communicate more with him, which I have been doing. But anyways, what I have been reflecting on a lot, is that if he really needs me out of the picture so he can work on himself I will let him and I know that better versions of both of us will come out of this, that we will learn. It is hard to let go and since we haven’t really broken up, I am still giving this a chance. While I do this, I am cultivating my strength and grounding myself so that I can be prepared. It’s hard. But I appreciate every advice and I will definitely tell you what happens.

Thanks for the support.

Hi Anita,

That definitely resonates. For the ayahuasca ceremony, he stopped taking Zoloft a couple of weeks prior and then paused after for about a month after. When I think about it, this time was crucial for us to form the bond we still have. I think right after the ceremony my feelings started to grow. He was definitely different, without the medicine. But when the depression hit again he went back to it and I supported him because his health was more important to me. Later we both talked on how the medicine affects him and he is very aware that the medicine makes him feel numb in terms of emotions and he feels apathetic to everything. Which is why his idea is to go to a therapist and combine it with the medicine. He wants to stop taking it in the future, which is why he is trying to become more spiritual and to gain perspective on his condition. But I have seen both sides of him, with and without the medicine and even with the withdrawal symptoms,  it was very difficult.

When we talked about the fighting and making up he understood that it was not healthy and that I was not going to engage in that. He thought I was holding back anger, but I assured him that was not true. I am just simply not resentful and he has never done anything that hurt me. I did communicate being bothered one time that he canceled a date, he never did it again, or one time that he didn’t return a call, he never did it again. For what I understand, he is more used to having fights than having a peaceful time.

I agree that they may be irrational both, but he feels that one is and the other is not.

The thing is he is very confused and I was very clear, now I feel confused. At times I feel that I should leave him alone so he can deal with all his stuff and find his happiness. But at the same time, I love him deeply and I wonder if leaving him alone is going to do him any good. Right now I am focusing on myself, waiting for him to reach out, giving him the space he wants and going slow. Having this post is really what is making me think about our relationship.

Thank you for sharing your experience with zoloft. I really never thought that it could be affecting his feelings before, until we talked about it a few weeks ago.

Anita,

I will share further. He thought that us not fighting was because I was hiding some kind of anger towards him. Apparently, he had been doing small things to upset me but I am very absent-minded and I never get angry, I explained that to him. Then he told me that he was used to fight a lot on his past relationships. I made very clear that I don’t think that’s healthy for a relationship and that I believe in conflicts as temples of growth. I am concerned, however, that he likes that angst, of fighting and then making up. But everything something upset me I was clear about it. I just didn’t bother with small things. I also promised that I was going to communicate if in the future something would bother me instead of solving the issue alone (which I did a few times).

His decision-making process is for example 1. “I hate myself because I suffer from depression, so I think I should be alone to solve this on my own and stay away from family, friends and you” Which he thinks is very rational and 2. “When I was younger I always wanted to be with my gf at the time, every second of the day, even tho with fought a lot, since I don’t feel that with you I don’t think I am in love with you” which he thinks is irrational…

And yes,  I feel like I give the ideas, he doesn’t. I asked him for ideas of his own last time, he gave me a few, one was that he was going to get a list of therapists and ask recommendations from a doctor he knows and that he wanted me to go slow and to give him space. No idea about us.

His plan is to see a therapist. He says he loves me, but that he feels like he is not in love because he doesn’t feel like spending every minute of the day with me. However, he feels in peace when he is with me and feels happy. The commitment issues he said, come from divorced parents (bad divorce), bad relationships in the past with lots of fighting and unfit partners.

Thanks!

Hi Cate,

I appreciate your advice so much. I used to be afraid of commitment as well, but when I fell in love with him I thought I would commit to him. That makes me think that you will commit to the person that feels right, which is why I think he doesn’t feel that way for me. I know what you are saying and this is why I am here, trying to gain perspective. I want the best for myself and to be happy, even if that means to let him go. I am just trying to figure out if there is something I can hold on to, some kind of hope, but from what I am reading, is not about hope.

The people around me keep suggesting me that I should give us another chance, that I shouldn’t give up yet, which is why I feel confused.

Thanks!

Jen,

I don’t believe in fighting to keep a relationship.  I believe in mutual commitment in working together and on ourselves.

He made where he is at clear.  It is up to you on whether or not you are willing to tolerate such a non-relationship on his terms.

I believe you two still can love each other without being boyfriend-girlfriend.

I think most of us get caught up that romantic love is the be all and end all of what love is.

You don’t have that as an option with him.

Mark

Hi Mark,

I believe in this as well. I am actually happy to read it the way you put it. When I propose this “work together” he agrees and this is what we are trying right now. What worries me about the nonrelationship is to not have the chance to be fully committed to do this work. I feel like I am doubtful if I should work so hard with him if we aren’t committed. Because this commitment is also a state of mind. But now that I know that he is scared of this, I am wondering what to do.

I also believe we can love each other without being girlfriend and boyfriend and I have thought of many ways this could work. I talked about it with him, about being friends only or creating another kind of commitment, like just working together on each other and on us as a “we”. I know that I love his soul so much. But I am still very attracted to him and it would be hard for me to be just his friend.

I appreciate your words!

thanks