Anita,

i have realized that a big problem of mine is that i need to feel comfortable with the fact that, if the woman i date is someone im comfortable with then everyone else around me needs to be as accepting as well, and i cannot fear what they think of this person.

the problem being, i never realize any of these things until its hindsight. Its such an easy way to assess situations, once i know the outcome, but i still cant help but to place the blame on the person most responsible, which is me. I am in control of my own life decisions, and with each decision made, there are consequences. As much as i dislike that fact, its the truth.

the only thing i can do is plan to and build from all of these situations and learn. If i dont learn this time, im not going to make progress and just continue down the same path.

yes, the comfort with this woman was good, and she never criticized me. She was very forgiving and there were no disagreements when it came to the time we spent together. I just know that if i stayed with her, i would have felt regret not following my initial instinct and would have always questioned why i didnt go that direction, causing me to be in this same scenario later on down the road. I also know that i wouldnt know how much i think i miss this person if i stayed. I had to go, and see how it felt afterward. There are major consequences both ways, im just now dealing with them from the decision that i made.

Anita,

those close to me are family and friends. I know why my family gets frustrated, they are not used to seeing me upset and eventually feel like its out of their control, and they wish they could help, but cant. I havent taken a problem to them since the previous relationship ended in winter 2017. The friend that said this to me had bouts of drug and alcoholism, was sober for 10 years and relapsed post divorce, and is now clean again for a year. He has always had a woman in his life so he doesnt know what its like to be alone and not wanting to settle for “just a warm body”

As ive grown older, i have not shown my family as much affection as i once did as a kid and i feel the same toward my partners as an adult. I feel like i show my love through my loyalty and being devoted to the but i could do much better at expressing this. I dont wear my emotions on my sleeve and bottle them up.

ive done some research on bipolar and pregnancy and it does not sound promising. Im sure every case is different, but the general knowledge is that 90% of the marriages fail and the rock bottom phases of the bipolar stages are revisited, even when they havent been experienced for quite some time.

i struggle with regret for many reasons. I dont like to be told “no” or rejected. Im not one to give up (when actively pursuing something i desire). I do give up when i feel something isnt for me, like i have in some relationships. My grandmother told me that once as a child, i was attempting to ride my bike without training wheels and kept falling off. Each time i fell off, i would pick the bike up over my head and slam it in the ground, then make my next attempt to ride the bike, and repeat the process. In turn, i “feel” like i want this second opportunity, so i have a desire for it at this moment (although im refraining from reaching out because i know from experience that is best at this point), thats why i am trying to talk myself through it now.

Brandy,

i was torn on whether i wanted to continue with her or not for a few weeks before i ended it. In that time, i distanced myself from seeing her but we continued to communicate. She came on stronger at that time, and, as i previously stated, there was interest from other women coming my way as well. I did not go out with any of these other girls, until after her and i talked about our situation. Once i came to my conclusion, i told her “i did not see us working out long term, that i have a hard time keeping up with the constant communication all day long and enjoy some independent time, as sometimes that type of treatment can feel overwhelming to me. Im not ready to be exclusive, and thats the way you make it feel right at this moment, i still really like you, but this is just the way i feel right now”

she went on and told me she felt that we could have been serious, but if im saying no, then she isnt going to continue to push it. She feels that i gave her some false signs of it being a relationship by the way that i acted, then completely changed prior to the break up. She stated that she thinks im scared to open up, snd that she still really liked me, but that really didnt matter since i was cutting it off. Then followed the regret after some failed dates, thinking the next best thing was lying ahead. Thats when i reached out with regret and she continued to state that “things might be different another time, but right now they cannot work” since she moved on.

i really wish the relationship prior to this one didnt have anything to do with me being nervous to jump into deep feelings. I know it hurt pretty bad after that previous break up left me just short of my goal to be married with a family, but i am almost 3 years removed from that and felt great previous to meeting this most recent girl. Maybe my expectations are unrealistic? Thats what most people tell me.