Max,

I think what you did was incredibly courageous, and like some of the others here, agree that you were right in telling her that it would be best to stop speaking to one another for good so that both of you can finally move on. She had told you before that you needed to find someone who could give you the things that you were looking for, and that you needed to find someone that you deserve…hopefully the message you sent her will make her respect your wishes so that you can finally accept her advice.

Your mind can now be at ease, and I hope that you are able to rest well tonight. Please take care of yourself Max…

Until next time…

– Jenny

Max,

If I’m getting too personal, let me know – but have you ever considered getting a script for an anti-depressant? I’m not sure how you feel about taking medication, or if you are currently on any, so please excuse me if I’m offending you in any way.

I have been on, and am currently on one now. I have experienced depression and anxiety attacks in the past, and I know how debilitating it can be. You aren’t really focusing on the present, and on being present; so the thoughts that are running through your head right now are taking over, and they’re paralyzing you. It’s easy to tell yourself that you just won’t think about what’s bothering you, and that you’ll be ok – but you and I both know that isn’t going to work. I’m only suggesting getting a script because it helped me, and it could possibly help you too.

A few years ago, when I was still married, I experienced a traumatic event. My ex (who is in the military) was court martialed for having an inappropriate relationship with a trainee. He was convicted, and his sentence included a severe reduction in rank, as well as confinement time. Because of his reduction in rank, I had to move out my own home…because I could no longer afford to live there. I had to sell a lot of our belongings in order to pay off any debt and to get our house packed up and moved into storage. I ended up driving cross country to my parents home so that my daughter and I could live rent and utilities free until my ex was released from confinement. At that time, the worst part for me wasn’t the fact that he cheated again or that he was even court martialed – it was the fact that I didn’t even KNOW he had gotten himself into trouble, and that he was even going through a court martial (some previous co-workers of his at the last base we were stationed at, were flown down to attend his trial as character witnesses, and they were the ones that showed up on my doorstep to tell me what had happened, and what was going on behind my back for the past few months).

At that time, I was going through a whirlwind of emotions. I was a train wreck, to say the least. I was in shock. I was in denial. I was angry. I was hurt. I was sad. I was hopeful. Every single day was different, and the emotions that came over me were literally like a roller coaster – they’d go up and down, up and down, up and down…and I drove myself crazy. I became severely depressed, and eventually I turned into a vegetable. I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t get out of my bed. I didn’t eat anything and started wasting away. I spent the next several months lying there, ruminating about the past: what had happened, why he lied to me, why he did what he did, if the girl he messed around with was prettier than me or smarter than me or funnier than me. I drove myself crazy wondering what it was about me that wasn’t satisfactory. I started blaming myself. My life at that moment in time was focused on what had happened in the past, while in the mean time, my present was flying right by me. I remember one day where I became really anxious and had an attack…and I panicked. I seriously thought that I was going to die…it was overwhelming. I couldn’t breathe. My heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. I couldn’t think clearly. One day I just couldn’t take feeling like that anymore – I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. I called my PCM and made an appointment to get a referral for counseling. It was then that I was first put on medication.

Medication doesn’t make the pain go away, but it did/does help me manage my symptoms. I still went to counseling and I still cried. I still had thoughts running through my head every now and then…but at least the medication helped me control some of the things I didn’t want to feel…at least I could put more of my energy into what was going on in my present.

Something else that made it especially difficult for me to cope then (and even now) is that I have no friends here locally that I can call up and meet with, whenever I want company or need someone to talk to. It’s very lonely for me at times…I do not have a close knit group of friends here that I can reach out to…at times it can make me feel unnecessarily sorry for myself (pity party!) which upsets me even more than I already am. If I could suggest anything else to you Max, is that you please reach out to your friends and talk to them. Tell them what you’re going through and what you are feeling. Let them remind you of the person you once were, before all of this happened…and let that be a part of your motivation to get well. If not, force yourself to go out and have fun by yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t let your thoughts paralyze you, like they did mine…and don’t become a vegetable.

So you got a little more of my history…and its crazy…and definitely even crazier how I allowed that past of mine to creep back up into my present.

I feel for what you are going through Max, and I hope you can find some comfort in what I’ve said. In no way am I trying to downplay what you are going through – pain is pain. I know it’s HARD and it can seem like you’ll never come back up to the surface for air – but if anything, you could always read my story, and use it as a reminder to yourself that things could always be much, much worse. You will come back up for air Max…know this. Know that one day you will wake up, and you will not feel like this anymore.

Stay strong and rest well Max, you deserve it.

Until next time…

– Jenny

Thank you Anita. I read the forums often and am always inspired by the advice that you give to others. Your appreciation for what I had to say means a lot.

Max,

I’d like to apologize to you, as my previous words were not intended to hurt you – but after re-reading my previous post, I can see that I should have been more thoughtful in my reply. I am truly sorry if I hurt or offended you Max.

A few days after my boyfriend had ended our relationship, I ended up calling and messaging him a few times too, even begging him (don’t ever do this) to give our relationship another chance. He was very firm in telling me that he didn’t think getting back together now was a good idea…because he knew that I was not in a healthy place. I clearly remember him telling me that he wanted me to get well – words that are permanently etched into my brain…because you know what, he’s right. I am not well…and I am in no position to make any decisions concerning our relationship right now. When we were still dating, I kept him in limbo too, which wasn’t healthy, and it definitely wasn’t fair to him. There were weeks where everything would be great…when I was with him, it felt like the sun was shining down on me…I was happy…and then I would start thinking and thinking and thinking…and these thoughts would creep into my head like a poison, and it paralyzed me. I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. All of the confusion and indecisiveness that I had led me to become distant with him and I pushed him away…repeatedly. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way that he treated me. He was great. He was very patient and very understanding of my situation. But there was always this nagging feeling in the back of my head that questioned whether he was being sincere…questioned whether he would up and leave me one day in the future if he discovered something about me that he didn’t find satisfactory…questioned whether or not we could really have a future together. My ex husband, whom I was married to for 14 years, repeatedly cheated on me. I would leave, and then he’d pop back into my life asking me to come back…and like a fool, I always did. I felt that he was the best that I’d ever get…that I could do no better…that he was what I deserved – which I know now isn’t true. Having this in my past, as well as having issues with my self-esteem and confidence…these issues have weaseled their way into my current relationships, and it doesn’t do any good. Why? Because I have to fix myself first, before I can even think about being in a relationship right now. The issues that I have with myself is what caused me to continually “flip flop” my emotions with my boyfriend, and it got to the point where he just couldn’t risk staying with me anymore…and I don’t blame him in the slightest for leaving.

I don’t know your ex, but from what I read, I feel like she needs time for herself – with no interference from anyone. If she’s having second thoughts about the current relationship she in in with her ex right now – and clearly she is if she’s re-reading old Facebook conversations that she’s had with you and “accidentally” messaging you in the middle of the night…something isn’t right. She isn’t confident in the decisions she’s making, when she should be…especially when it involves another person’s heart. There’s a good chance that even if she were to up and leave her ex right now and come running back to you, she will still have the same thoughts…questioning whether or not she made the right choice…and you’ll be right back to square one. It’s unfortunate that she’s back in a relationship with her ex, because I can only imagine the things she is putting him through right now – again, not fair and definitely not healthy.

Sorry for the long reply, just wanted to give you a little insight as to what it’s like on the other side of the relationship.

Until next time…

– Jenny

Hi Max,

I started seeing a new therapist today as well, as my current one will be out of the office for a few weeks. It was a different experience, as we were not familiar with one another – and like you, I spent most of the hour having to retell all the details of whats going on in my life at the moment. Very emotional session, but cathartic as well.

Work was pretty ho hum. I managed to get all of my work done, but did take several breaks throughout the day to write down some of my thoughts in my journal, which was helpful.

Max, our stories do seem pretty close to similar. However, in my case, I did not go back to my ex and I also lost my boyfriend as well. Speaking from the other side of the relationship, I want you to know that it hasn’t been easy for me. Its been a month since the relationship with my boyfriend ended and I am still trying to come to terms with and accept that its over. It’s hard…but I know that in time, I will heal. I know that at times it can feel very overwhelming – but honestly, reading through some of the posts and articles on this site has helped a great deal, so I am appreciative of having this type of support during my difficult time. All I can do now is use this time to put the focus back on me, regroup, and know that I will eventually come back a stronger and healthier person.

I don’t know you, but I’d like to think that you are a good person, so I’d like to repeat some words to you that I have told my boyfriend after our relationship ended:

I want you to know that you are more than enough Max. You deserve the same amount of love that you give, and you should never settle for less than what you deserve.

I hope that brings you some comfort, if any…

Please have a good night Max and rest well. Till next time…

– Jenny