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Jay-meParticipantThank you Anita
I am feeling empty and lonely and lost in terms of relationship, it is as if i dnt know which way to go. I am hopeless, you are right i no longer know how to opertate and fumction in a relationship. I dont want to grow old alone i have the fear.
But i guess i have to take a very difficult route of being single for some time. But i have tried it before. What will be different this time. I came back to dating worse than before. Its as if i dont know how to love anymore.
Jay-meParticipantI get mixed feelings about persuading this, I am afraid, that I will be the one again that is giving all the attention to the situation, maybe he forgot about it already, I tried to contact him but did not get any reply. I sometimes with there was a switch for on and off about how one feels about the other, I dont want to look desperate, I just want a mutual love.
Jay-meParticipantWhen i was with him in a relationship, I was the matured one, the giving one. When I got the chance to look at our relationship from outside of it, I felt like he did not love me as much as I did, even now I still dont trust that he will be serious about us. And I also did not want to be like I have been waiting for him all the years we have been apart, but at the same time I felt like it was the chance for us to try again. And now since we spoke he has never made any contact. I guess it was just a conversation because he is not persuading anything. The problem about this whole thing is that it disturbs my mind a lot, as soon as he appears in my life, I think about him a lot, which I believe it is unhealthy, my other thinking is to put the whole thing to the past and move on, but just like I did before, it keeps appearing in my future, it is something that will never end.
Jay-meParticipantthank you very much anita,
I always want to inform him of what is going on with his child, as he is also always calling to hear how is he doing, but us talking end up hurting, should I say he must stop calling or should I just ignore his calls?? I dont know how to avoid him altogether. I recently have thoughts that maybe I have not completely moved on. especially how I reacred when his girlfriend answered the phone. and also how I reacted when he turned down the job offer at my home town. I wish I can really get out of this situation completely. am already used to being a single parent, but I also feel selfish by saying that as I always have a believe that he will one day have relationship with him. maybe I am lying to myself hence I need a complete move on, but such conversations we have take me back, and slow my progress of moving on.Jay-meParticipantHi Matt
I know ur pain, I used to cling on to my first love even wen we broke up, I used to call him, text him and always hoping we will get back together. Until oneday I deleted his contacts everywer in social media, I burned his photos that I have of me and him, I wrote a letter to him and burned it, I cried, I did all sorts of things to mourn the end of the relationship. I talked a lot about my pain, I wanted to find out why I cant move on. It really did help me, to tell myself try going to other dates and see what sup. U wont believe how much fun u can have. Sometimes first love feels like the only love we know and the only kind of love we must have. But with time and efforts, ul start doing things u enjoy alone, until u find somebody that share same interests as u. Ul suddenly feel inlove again…
Jay-meParticipantDear Anita
Thank you for your response, I think I had endured lot of pain in the past, that I already worry about the pain that is yet to come. I feel like I am somehow going to ruin things. When I show my excitement it looks like I am clinging to him, when I kind of ignore him I looks like I dont care. I somehow wish there was a manual that can guide me to be the best girlfriend, to relax and not rush things and just be in a relaxed partnership as he is relaxed. I do realise that I am looking for problems where there are non, I just worry too much!Jay-meParticipanthi anita
I think since i was a child i was not a sharing person, either i felt something was wrong or right i never shared most of the staff, and i believe he once told me i should not tell his parents as we were just playing. we were staying with his parents. I never thought of it as a big deal. and in our society it was difficult that parents tell their kids about sex at that age, they would normally wait for time that you are a teenager and the fact that your sexually activeness maybe evident it is when they will start opening up about sex. In our country child rape normally appears when a person is older because we normally do not know what is going on in that age. i may think i was raped, but i do not remember refusing to sleep with him. i believe i was convinced that it is not wrong. I am a deep person, i keep other thing very private. i do not discuss my sexual activities with my parents even when i am older, i can discuss other things about my relationships.
I would like to ask you Anita, Do you think i am not sharing because deep down in my subconscious mind, i knew what was happening was actually wrong that is the reason i did no tell anyone?
If in the present moment i see it was wrong, and i still do not want to share with other people, do you think i cannot deal with it properly?
Do you think there is still something i can do to move away from this experience?
I would like to berry this past forever, is it possible?
I always ask myself this questions, because i think this is hanging on my lifethank you very much for you replies andd i hope i did answer your questions.
Jay-meParticipantthe guy was older that me, I think he is four years older than me. i just did not share it with anyone. i am still in contact with him as he is staying with my great grand mother and other family members in another city. we are not so close, i only talk to him when we visit my great grand mother. His life is not going well he was on drugs, on weed and unemployed. he is not a stable person at this moment. Do you think my behavior be caused by that? I never spoke about it to anyone and i do not want to tell my parents or anyone else. I believe speaking about it in platform like this one, may help me take it out of the system. I do not want feel judged. I feel like it happened and i cannot reverse it and all i have to do is better my self and carry on with life. But if in your view you believe my negative interaction with man might be caused by that, then i need to take a closer look at it. and please i would appreciate any advice or help on how to deal with it. I want to raise my son in a positive and happy environment and i believe that should start with my emotional stability and my relation with people i am bringing to my child’s life. my goal is to develop a positive friendships and relationship. i would love to work on my toxic emotions. I would appreciate all the help i can get
thanks
jay-meJay-meParticipantHi anita
I did not share the sexual intercourse with anyone. I never thought it was wrong, and now that I know that it was wrong and he was actually abusing me, I am still keeping it to myself.
I feel it will bring trouble to the family and I never believed that it has an impact on my life right now.
I know I am socially awkward, I cannot make friends of a relationship.
To be clear the father of my child did not have a girlfriend when I was dating him, the older man that I tried to date also did not have a girlfriend, the guy I tried dating after an older man has a girlfriend, nd da one after that one that wanted to sleep with me is on an ending relationship.
I ended what we were tring to have because I am now unsure about him. He is now telling me that am a. Nagging person nd showing signs of obsession. I told him we can break it off before it goes far, and he never responded to that. My life is miserable I only enjoy my family s company, but social and relationship I am failing. How can I be social and have a real relationship?? Everyone is out with friends and partners, I dont have not even one friend or a partner, I have a believe that if I die I wud only be remembered by only my close family nd it wouldn’t matter to the rest of the world because am unknown am a dead woman walking.Jay-meParticipantHi anita
I would like to thank you, I wish I knew this forums from way back, I believe I could have made better choices and had peace of mind. I am glad to have found this side, where I can freely express myself with no judgments. I also thank you Inky, I believe its a second chance for me to connect and make better choices.
Lots of love
Jay-meJay-meParticipantHi inky
Thank you a lot, I agree 100% I deserve a phone call, or some quality time. He must decide if he s in or out, because he cannot be making me wondering, waiting on him to show up to our “relationship”. I decided to stay away, he will come whenever he is ready and wanting to put effort. I am giving him that condition. I may like him, but I am not gonna give my self away in the process. We have to meet each other half way.
Jay-meParticipantDear anita
Thank you very much for your advice. I have tried to express, and he keep on saying we will be fine, but we are being fine. Do I wait and see if we will be fine, do I just stop doing my part, do I just let go in early stage. I am confused, I like him a lot though. I would have like to have the meaningful relationship with him. I am also afraid what if I am gonna hold on to a relationship that is going to be ” cold” later as it shows the signs right now.maybe I am reading too much to it.Jay-meParticipantDear vidalevi
In my opinion, marriage or settling down is a commitment that you will spend the rest of your life with this particular person. Committing “your self”, the reason I say “your self” is that its “your” decision to commit. It does not matter how old are you, you have to be ready for that commitment.
Coming to your family and tradition: tradition is respected however I believe better communication must be applied for understanding to avoid you feeling like you are forced to marry someone you are not interested in, or you are forced to get married whilst you are not ready. Try to communicate that your not in the right place to get married. Eventually the right person will come at the right time.
On the other hand if you are considering the arranged marriage, I believe you should take your time to think things through, do not let people that are not going to be in this marriage, hurry you in making a decision, just remember that it is you that will be spending a life with this person and not your family or his family. In deep respect make them realize your fear about the situation, your feelings about the situation. Because your decision may only lead to two things…a miserable life or indeed happy life as they see…its all up to you
Jay-meParticipantDear birdyy
Am not good with advises, nor expect in relationships or psychological stuff. But I once had a relationship of that sort. We were getting in and out of the relationship. I was feeling like its the only life I know. I was not happy when I was in the relationship and I was not happy also when I was out of the relationship.
Until…I questioned myself what if I choose the pain of being out of a relationship and deal with that pain. Ofcouse it was not easy. I always had the urge to call him, the urge to see him..but would that make me happy, da answer was no. The reason I did not choose to deal with the pain of being with him is that its the pain that does not depend on my control.
How I dealt with the pain of being without him??, is the question….it was a very hard question for me. I have let myself to think about him everyday, all the good things we shared all the bad things that happened, I either cried or did nothing about the thoughts.I went to parks, I went to reading groups, I went to things I enjoy doing alone and felt liberated. My mind was tired of thinking about him. I started replacing the thoughts about him with things that excites me. I was not afraid to go into myself anymore, I cannot say I am completely healed as he now tries to reach out on me and that takes me ten steps backwards by hearing his voice or seeing him. But I challenge myself to pull myself back on the track.
I would say take tiny steps that makes a difference..even if its not a significant difference, but start there, dont be hard on yourself. Remember you only have power to control your life and not his life. As for the relationship I think it is already damaged and will take hard hard work if you are trying to fix it.I hope I was of help at some point
Take careOctober 19, 2016 at 12:20 am in reply to: Improving self esteem weakens your attachments and improves your contentment #118473Jay-meParticipantI am happy to join this forum, I am constantly unhappy, I grew up with both loving parents. I was the only child until I was 14. I had a little sister. My family is small and have its ups and downs, but we are a very connected family, always there for each other. When I was about 8 years I was staying with my mother s aunt, and her son used to want to have sex with me, at that time I was just having sex with him, nd not realising it was wrong. But now that I am old I realise it was wrong and no one knows about it. I am not sure if this factor contributes to emotional problems I am encountering at my present life, and if it is, how do I move on from it.
My problem is in relationships, from my first boyfriend I was always clingy, i was always the one initiating the relationship with all people I dated, I was the one who had to work hard for the relationship to out. I was rejecting those that wanted me and only went for those that I wanted nd that treated me bad. I tried to date a guy that wanted me and loved me, but I hurt them by later rejecting them when I see another guy that I liked, nd only to find later that the one I liked does not like me and will only have sex with me and mistreat me. In 2013 I was dating a nice guy that loved me very much, but at some point I did not like him, later on I saw this guy who s now the father of my son, I initiated a relationship with him and my life started revolving around him,my happiness and everything was about him. I became pregnant and after a year he dumped me with no explanation and went back to his ex that he said from the beginning off the relation that he loves her and will always love her, but I insisted the relationship because I loved him and I thought he will eventually feel the same. I am now raising my child and not denying a ralationship between him and his son.
Moving on from that relationship, I started to join tiny buddah and read everyday, I became single and see if I can live on my own, I started to discover things that I love. I was single for a year, then I started again trying to date, I am not that clingy anymore but I am still feeling down most of the times and the vicious circle of dating wrong people and unhealthy dating trends is still going on. I am now afraid of dating…I am an unhappy person and thats how I always see myself and thats how I always bring to the relationship. I dont know if its my past or there is something else in me…I am anti social, I am just awkward that I most of cases avoid people. I work very hard to replace the fact that I am unhappy, and the fact that I cannot find a mutual loving relationship, either I find a person that loves me and I dnt love them, or I find a person that I love and they dont love me back.
I hope my thread is understandable, because I really need any piece of help…thank you
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