TeaK,

One step forward, two steps back! I just came back from the hospital, as I’ve got rashes all over my body. I experienced a high fever and my body was on fire. I was rushed to the hospital as my body was covered with vesicular rashes. My body itches all over, and I’m struggling to keep my mind in check. I’m back to square one, all negative thoughts are back, the morning depressions are extreme, I feel lost and “dead” inside. I’m trying the breathing exercises, but they don’t have a soothing effect at the moment.

Another day, another battle. My mind is my enemy, it’s trying to kill me. After 1hour of sleep, I woke up hyperventilating and having a sudden fear of dying. It feels like every time I doze off, my brain resets. All journaling, hard work, the breaking off the negative thought cycles are just erased in seconds. It is really daunting and depressing. I don’t know what to do or how to break the repeating pattern. I’m confused, lost, and helpless.

Dear TeaK,

I apologize for not being able to respond earlier. I’ve been struggling with my health. I’m struggling with heart palpitations and still am. You make a lot of sense. While reading your post, I got the “sense” of relief and your reasoning enlightened me. But, seconds later, the negative thoughts and guilt and all the self-hate came back again. I know I’m not responsible for my mother’s mishaps, but I still feel guilty and responsible for ruining her life. I just want to see her happy, and like everybody else, she deserves to be happy. I know it’s all in my head, and I have to dismiss the negative thoughts, but I don’t know how to do it-

If you have some techniques or mental training please let me know. I’ll do anything, I want to enjoy and be happy for every minute, every second, and every moment I have left with her. The time I have with her is very important to me. I can’t change the past, but I can at least make the present more joyful and pleasant.

TeaK,

My father left us when I was 5 years old. I have only bad memories, as he was a firm believer in discipline. My siblings and I were physically punished by our “father” every time we were guilty of some wrongdoing. I still remember I used to wet myself when I knew I was in for a beating. My mother was loving and caring, and tried to intervene most of the time, or probably all the time, but was abused too. I still remember one incident, where we had to “hide” at one of the neighbors because my “father” was out of control. I get “choked” and get “stuck” in the past every time I go down these “memory lanes”. I don’t know why, but every time I get “flashbacks” or think about my past or think about “past” time, I get depressed. I feel like my life just passed before my eyes, so quickly, without me being able enjoying the good times. That’s maybe why I yearn to go back in time. To be “young” and change my past and live the missed moments. I feel I never achieved anything. I’m so jealous and envy younger people. I really need to break this nostalgia, I don’t want to live in the past or the future, but I want to live in the PRESENT.

As for my mother, she always put her kids first. My mother never neglected us, we took her for granted and did her wrong.

It was a time when she was happy. From I was 6-7 years old till I was 16 years old, she was in a relationship. My mother loved him, and she was genuinely happy. He was the love of her life. He was good to us. Never mistreated us, never any wrongdoing. Except, he was married and had kids. My mother was “the other” woman and labeled as “homewrecker”. As time went by, and I got in my teens. I realized he will never leave his wife and kids. So, I started to act out, I was showing my “bad” sides and stopped talking to my mother. Eventually, after some time, she had to choose, and she ended the relationship. It broke my mother into “thousand” pieces. It killed her, and I haven’t seen her happy since. I hate myself for that, my mother deserved to be happy. I wish I could go back in time and fix everything. I took away my mother’s happiness and “killed” her. I can see the pain in her eyes, I hate myself so much for ruining her life.

I’m going crazy. I’m in overdrive with negative thoughts. I feel powerless and heartbroken with no self-esteem. I feel fear, anxiety, anger, and despair. I really want these feelings to end. It’s unbearable and too much for me to handle. I need help, my mind is killing me, the demons inside me are torturing me every day, every minute, every second. I have too much negativity inside me, too much “poison”. I’m having a complete meltdown.

Anita, thank you again for your kindness!

I can’t express how grateful and thankful I am for all your patience, caring, and guidance. Without the support shown by all of you, I would most probably be dead. This forum is keeping me alive!

I’m checking out Mark Williams’ mindfulness meditation series now.

TeaK,

Everything you say makes sense. I’m torn between my “younger” and “older” part. It’s a fight for survival, and I feel like I’m dying. I woke up now, after 1hour of sleep, gasping for air. Experienced rapid heartbeat, rapid breathing, and sweating. I’m in full panic mode, and I’m afraid I’m going to die.

I just realized I will not leave any legacy or leave a mark on this world that will have meant something when I’m long gone. That means, that when I die, I’ll be gone and forgotten.

I haven’t felt so depressed in days. It is really killing me!!