Thank you TeaK,

It’s a battle every day. I fight for survival. I have to come to the terms of not having my own kids, not having my own family, not having anyone of my own to create memories with. Every time I see, hear or get reminded of kids, my heart breaks. It’s the biggest loss in my life. I have to realize that there will be no one at my deathbed. I have to realize that I will be alone, miserable, and forgotten. I wish I could go back in time and change things.

I don’t know what to do if the therapy doesn’t work. I’m so terrified of the unknown. 8th of May was supposed to be the end for me. If it wasn’t for all the support and kind words and guidance from all of you, I wouldn’t be here now. How to bounce back, to “heal” myself seems impossible.

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for your loving and caring words.

I have tried to ignore my suicidal thoughts for a while, but now they get more intense. I’m struggling every day to find a reason to live. Most of the time, It feels impossible to go on. I can’t see past the pain. I just want the pain to stop, the anguish to go away. I know it’s all in my head. But it feels like the whole world is collapsing on me.

Dear Anita,

Thank you, I guess it was a step in the right direction. But at the moment, nothing makes sense. I have so many fears and negative thoughts. I’m afraid of the future, afraid of living, afraid of losing my loved ones, afraid of losing my senses. It’s a really awful feeling, I feel useless and a burden to everyone. I have enlisted the help of mental health professional. It’s my last hope. I’m losing my grip. I’m sorry, I’m really sorry for being so negative.

TeaK,

It was sad to hear about your separation anxiety and battle with low self-esteem. Sometimes, life throws us curveballs, sometimes we hit, sometimes we miss. The most important thing is to take a swing every time (my mentor used to tell me that all the time). I hope and pray for your husband’s health. The most important thing is to keep a good spirit and faith and cherish every moment.

I’m sleep walking through life, and I will and want to do every thing to “wake up” and start living. Reading your story and absorbing all the positive vibes and positive words on this forum gives me hope. I wish I had the courage to reach out earlier. I need all the help I can get.

I agree with you- I wanted to kids so bad, I wanted to be the father I never had. To be their rock, be their safety-net, be their guiding star. As I have two nieces, I try to channel all my love to them. It’s not easy, because I’m not healthy, mentally and physically. And my mind and health is deteriorating slowly. I don’t want to be focus of attention, so I don’t visit them, and don’t spend any time with them.

TeaK,

I’m checking somatic therapy now. I have tried traditional therapy without any results, hence I have nothing to lose.

I have so many fears and every day they intensify immensely. I lack the feeling of belonging, I feel isolated and cut off from the rest of the world. I have this feeling or misconception that all my relationships are/were superficial. I know it’s not true, but in my mind, that’s a reality. This morning, I had another fear creeping in my mind. What if I manage to get a little bit healthier and maybe if I manage to conquer my fears and beat the depression. Will I regret and hate myself for all the time I lost being depressed?! I think it’s in my DNA to always find something to nag about, the glass is always empty. I need to break this habit and retire the depression once for all.

TeaK, you seem to be a reflected and intelligent person. Can I ask about how you manage to conquer your fear and battles?

Do you have any relapses or “flashbacks”? Do you have rainy days? And if so, how do you reset your mind? Are you happy and full of life?

I apologize in advance for being too nosy.

Dear TeaK,

Yes, that’s correct. The sermons and audiobooks, especially those with comforting voice, gives me inner peace and calms me. Maybe, since I never had a father figure in my life, I look to these for guidance and knowledge.

I have mixed feelings at the moment. At one moment, I feel there is hope and I can heal myself and relieve the pain. But the very next moment, everything looks grim and literally the end of the road. Will the pain ever go away? or will it get worse? I don’t have any strength left, I feel like a “lost” case.

Thank you Anita,

As I have limited sleep and a really bad sleep pattern, I can sit for hours and read. I just got my copy of “The Art of Happiness” by Dalai Lama. I reckon books are my best friends. Maybe they’re my way out of pain and depression.

I wish I could give something back to all of you. Thank you for giving me hope and a lifeline.

TeaK,

According to my doctor, it’s COVID-related. I have only got some anti-itch creams (hydrocortisone creams). I agree with you, I need to heal from inside, and it is most probably my body cleaning itself. Do you have any early morning rituals or meditation techniques that can soothe my mind in the mornings? I’m waking up depressed in the mornings and find it a real struggle to get started with the day.