I have managed to recoup a little bit now.

I know I’m not responsible nor can I “heal” my mother’s pain and depression. But, the compassion and hurting are unbearable.

I found my mother crying, she was devastated, heartbroken. She was so hurt and sobbed like a kid. It just reminded me about myself, and that her inner child is also broken. It reminded me that she has also been a child once, that has most probably been neglected and hurt. When I saw her, I didn’t see my mother, I saw a hurt child, that was lost and alone, that felt unloved and rejected by everyone and by the whole world. I tried to comfort and console my mother, and she uttered the thing I feared most, the things that have nagged me my whole life. My mother told me that she has felt empty, lonely, and dead inside almost her whole life. She said she missed her parents(both deceased), her siblings(3 of them deceased)immensely and felt completely alone and empty. It just shattered my heart. I’ve felt miserable for a while and struggled with anxiety and depression, and know the feeling. It just shocked my world, to know that she has struggled with this for so many years, not being able to be happy, not being able to talk to anyone, share her pain, get help. My mother apologized for not being able to protect me and my brothers, apologized for not being able to provide for us, giving us time and a good life. Not being be able to help us. She felt guilt and shame and failed as a mother. She has so many regrets, so much pain, so much hurt. It was heart-wrenching, to see the person you love most, be in so much pain and for so long.

We cried for hours and I’ve never felt so devastated, my heart cries for all the years and pains that my mother has gone through. I know I’m not responsible, but I feel the pain and can’t stop the hurt and sorrow I feel because of my mother.

I want her to live a good life, with a lot of happiness and love. She is now moving in with my brother, he and his wife will be taking care of her and hopefully, she will be able to enjoy some good time with her grandchildren.

Thank you Sarah,

Your prayers, caring, and support help a lot. You are right, I need to focus on myself, I need to “heal” myself, I need to conquer all my fears and get rid of my demons. I’m not responsible for my mother’s pain and sorrows, but I can try to ease it. But first and foremost, I’m working on myself, because I have felt dead inside for a long while, and it’s unbearable. I’m reading, journaling, and training my mind to think positive every day. I’m listening and watching the Secret, in addition, I’m watching sermons of TD Jakes every morning. By this week, I will start doing breathing exercises and mindfullness.

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for the journaling prompts. I have included these in my daily morning routines. I have also started to read Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. I’m just afraid that I will never “heal” even with all the help I can get.

Thank you Sarah,

I’m doing gratitude journaling and working on my “why”. I read your article, and I agree, I need to also find self-love.

I have requested my therapist to get 1hour daily for accessing my phone, so I can write and read on the forum.

Hopefully, I will be able to keep in touch with you on a daily basis. Please pray for me and take care.

Dear TeaK,

I agree, I have told my therapist about my childhood experiences. We are currently trying cognitive processing therapy, and the main focus on acceptance and “letting” go. At the moment, it’s too daunting for me, as I have to relive all memories and all the pain, fears, and insecurities. My “inner child” has been tortured till now, and I need to start addressing and processing the neglect and pain. For my next session, I have been instructed to write a letter to my “inner child” to address all the pain, incidents, and all neglect. To assess each situation, to express all my feelings, and finally let things go.

I’m also writing a “letter” to my mother, apologizing for all the hurt and pain I caused her, and asking for her forgiveness.

As I can’t get any sleep, and to keep my mind busy, I’m writing to my siblings, their kids, my relatives, my friends, my ex, and to my unborn child.

It’s a step-by-step process, and I hope it will give me some inner peace. I just hope I can survive this, I’m really at the breaking point, with no hope or motivation. Please pray for me.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by Javier.

Dear TeaK,

I haven’t taken any medication, painkillers, or drugs(MDMA, cocaine, marijuana, and meth) since I was rehabilitated almost 20 years ago. Even when in pain or when I have a severe migraine, I opt to just “sleep” through it. I still remember the excruciating pain of withdrawals, the muscle cramps, the hot and cold flushes, and the mental fatigue, I’m too scared to take any medication or pills. And, I know I’m not disciplined enough to withstand the urge to overdose, especially when I’m at the breaking point. The “dark” hole I was nurturing inside me, all the demons I created, destroyed me and my loved ones, especially my mother. Every day, every moment, I can see the disappointment, pain, and sadness in her eyes. She is hurting with me and most probably blaming herself. I have not only ruined myself, but I have ruined her too.

I know for sure, that if I have the option I will take any shortcut I can get, hence, I can’t take any medication. My therapist says there are other options, such as ECT(Electroconvulsive therapy). But as I can understand, it has to be done while I’m under anesthesia,  and commonly, they use Methadone or Morphine.

Every morning is a battle. My mind is going on overdrive every morning and is feeding all the demons inside me. My therapist says my cortisol and melatonin levels are not on par, hence I need to change my diet.

This is really hard for me. I have never been so low, never experienced the dark side as I have over the last week. The emptiness, the loneliness, the feeling of being useless, unwanted, and unloved is unbearable to cope with. During my first psychological evaluation/mental health assessment, I felt exposed, excessively guilty, and numb. I have so many demons inside me. The regrets and pain of neglecting my mother, my brothers, my family, and my relatives. The feeling of not being able to redeem for the “lost” time. The unbearable pain of not being able to mend and rebuilt broken hearts and relationships. Not being able to “heal” my mothers pain.

My therapist says I suffer from strong feelings of abandonment, and will often have a sense of being abandoned, hence trigging the fear that I will abandon and lonely. Even in the company of family members, I experience feelings of loneliness. As a result, I will always feel isolated as if I’m were cut off from the rest of the world. I’m struggling with strong codependency, and emotional deprivation.

I have realized, I have always been broken, ever since a young age. No self-esteem, no personality, just a broken record. I have always “run” away from my problems, not being commited to rectify things and hide every time things get messy.

I’m struggling with living in the past, stuck in the past, stuck with only awful feelings and bad memories. I have managed to program my subconscious mind to only think negative things. To keep nagging about the past, not being able to live in the present.

I have no future. No desire, urge, or motivation to even think about the future. My fears and anxieties are rooted deep in my mind.

Now I have distanced myself from my nieces(the only relationship I haven’t neglected). I’m afraid my depression, my negative thoughts, will “infect” them. I’m scared that I won’t be able to be there for them, to protect them, to be in their good and bad days. I want to shield them from everything that can hurt them- I want them to be happy, and never experience the darkness I’m living in.

I apologize for sharing my negative thoughts and feelings. I wish I could give some positive feedback or positive affirmations. I just feel lost, empty, and have no motivation.