Dear Sarah,

I checked the motivational speeches by Nick Vujicic- It was really humbling and inspiring., but it also made me quite anxious. Because, I don’t have the fighting power, courage and resilience as Nick. It makes me realize that I’m missing the essential coping abilities. At the moment, a simple bump in the road will make me crumble. As the days, weeks and months pass, I feel more embarrassed and ashamed about my life and my decisions. It so many regrets, pain and shame I’m dealing with on a daily basis.

Step-by-step, I’m working on my inner child, my fears and my decisions. Every time I manage to get some progress, my evil mind pulls me back again. I’m hopeless and weak, and it’s really daunting to start all over again(as I have to do every morning).

I’m struggling with everything now, I’m frustrated and angry at myself and my life choices. I second guess everything from my past. The way I lived, how I lived, why I didn’t mature in my 20s.

I just want to end the pain, the feeling of shame, the feeling of not being able to utilize my potential, the feeling of failing in everything. I know look back at the “good” times with shades. I have slowly realized that I’ve always felt empty, depressed and useless. I felt empty when I was 6, in my teens, in my 20s-30s and 40s. And, I’m afraid I’ll be feeling the same until my last breath. It’s just how my brain is wired.

I envy everyone, I’m jealous of peaceful and carefree they look. I’m not sure how to cope, how to live, how to get inner peace.

I read, work on myself, go to therapy and try to socialize. But, in the end, I just feel lost and awful.

I’m trying my best to live, to be “normal” but I’m just dead inside-

I’m sorry that I’m so negative and spewing out a lot of negativity. I’m really sorry.

This morning I was given the task of mapping “Realistic Picture of Myself”. It was daunting and really left me perplexed as I had to write down how I see myself (Negative(N) and Positive(P) things). I don’t know why, but I will write down my thoughts. Maybe it will give me some inner peace or maybe it’s just to address my messed up self-image. Anyway,

1. Physical Appearance

• Short (5’8/5’9 feet) – N
• Curly hair – N
• Bulky Nose – N
• Hunching – N
• Short legs – N
• Short Torso – N
• Beady Eyes – N
• Chipped teeth – N
• No defined chin – N
• Skin rashes – N
• Skinny – N
• Olive skin – P

2. Personality

• Cold and introvert – N
• Insecure and always on alert – N
• Easily annoyed and aggressive – N
• Distant and full of self-doubt – N
• Trapped in my past – N
• Unloveable and Lost – N
• Moody – N
• Emotional – N
• Overly Sensitive – N
• Weak-minded – N
• Fearful – N
• Pessimist – N
• Sometimes apathetic – N

3. Mental Functioning

• Impulsive and act before I think – N
• Not good to resolve problems and issues – N
• Always looking for the easy-way out – N
• Non-confrontational, “run” and “hide” from problems – N
• No cognitive and social skills  – N
• Good Memory – P
• Learn by doing – P

4. Emotional Landscape

• Moody, long periods of low and complete lack of self-esteem. – N
• Long periods of low energy and depression – N
• Insecurity and lack of self-esteem since childhood. -N
• Jealousy, fear, anger and regrets -N
• Stuck in the past, and second-guessing all life decisions. – N
• Give up and quit before even trying. – N
• Trouble expressing feelings, and easily lash out/blow up on family and friends. – N

5. Performance at School/Work

• Never been any good at school – N
• Lazy, always looking for the short-cuts and easy ways out. – N
• Never been eager to learn or had any discipline – N
• Unfocused and easy distracted – N
• Picks up things easy – P

6. Performance on Everyday tasks

• All tasks are doable and easy to follow – P
• Procrastinate every task – N
• Easily bored – N
• Terrible at scheduling and planning activities. – N

7. Friendships

• Don’t have any close friends or acquaintances – N
• Not good at keeping friends – N
• Trust issues and always on alert – N
• Always striving for giving a good first impression – N/P
• Easily forget important dates and happenings- N

8. How other People view me

• Strange and awkward – N
• Reserved and suspicious – N
• Boring and complete lack of self-esteem – N
• Unattractive and non-existent – N
• Pathetic, unloveable and lonely – N
• Dumb and Mentally disturbed – N

9. Love Relationship

• Protecting and caring – P
• Lack of patience and understanding – N
• Immature and non confrontational – N
• Hide feelings and afraid of expressing my true feelings – N

10. How will people remember you

• Loser and unsuccessful – N
• Didn’t manage to maintain and/or make any relationships – N
• Waste of opportunities – N
• Waste of potential – N
• Sad, depressed and hopeless – N
• Poisonous – N

Tomorrow, I will have to challenge each of these thoughts and address if they are true or not.

This has been the most productive session for me so far. I know there are many negatives, but this is what is inside my head.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 1 month ago by Javier.

I’m annoyed, frustrated and perplexed. I have been in several sessions with my therapists, and I’m still stuck at square one.

I was expecting(not a quick-fix nor a magic pill) some techniques, work tasks or at least something that I can do by myself. I battle every day for my life, my mind is killing me, and every morning is a fight for survival. I have expressed this dozen of times to my therapists and begged them for help. They just acknowledge it, and they tend to brush it under the carpet.

My emptiness, my desire to not live, my depression is killing me slowly. And the only thing they tell me is that I need to find a way to fill my days with activities and physical exercise. I’m tired and have no energy left. I have trouble with sleeping, and they just put me on meds and urges me to go to sleep. My body, mind and heart are weak. I’m dead inside and completely empty. I have this “sense” that I won’t survive this for long, but still, they won’t help me.

The emptiness will never disappear or go away, which I know for sure, but why can’t they show me the direction or at least tell me if there are any books or courses I can do.

To be honest, this forum gives me more help than everything else.

I’m just a lost case that can’t be healed-.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Javier.

Yes, I have tried the motivational speeches and inspirational podcasts early in the mornings. I have also tried yoga and simple breathing exercices, but still feel lost, empty and full of negative thoughts. I’m still working on getting more disciplined in the mornings, but most of the time I just feel numb and lost.

TeaK,

Yes, you are right! But, I’m struggling to do that. I don’t know how to “switch” to the positive channel.

Teak,

I really want to be “healed”. But, my mind is fighting me every day. At the moment, my whole life feels wasted. I don’t know why, but I’m second-guessing everything I do and even did in my past, from early age till now. I get anxious just by thinking about tomorrow. I’m afraid of sleeping, I can’t cope, I’m afraid all the time. Sometimes I just want to be drugged-down so I’m not able to feel or think anything. I don’t know my needs or core life values, everything just seems non-existent. To wake up like this every day makes it really hard to find any silver linings. The only thing keeping me motivated is this forum and all your courageous words.

I’m just wondering. Is having kids the ultimate goal of life? Will they fulfil my needs and emptiness?