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JavierParticipant
Dear Sarah,
I checked the motivational speeches by Nick Vujicic- It was really humbling and inspiring., but it also made me quite anxious. Because, I don’t have the fighting power, courage and resilience as Nick. It makes me realize that I’m missing the essential coping abilities. At the moment, a simple bump in the road will make me crumble. As the days, weeks and months pass, I feel more embarrassed and ashamed about my life and my decisions. It so many regrets, pain and shame I’m dealing with on a daily basis.
Step-by-step, I’m working on my inner child, my fears and my decisions. Every time I manage to get some progress, my evil mind pulls me back again. I’m hopeless and weak, and it’s really daunting to start all over again(as I have to do every morning).
I’m struggling with everything now, I’m frustrated and angry at myself and my life choices. I second guess everything from my past. The way I lived, how I lived, why I didn’t mature in my 20s.
I just want to end the pain, the feeling of shame, the feeling of not being able to utilize my potential, the feeling of failing in everything. I know look back at the “good” times with shades. I have slowly realized that I’ve always felt empty, depressed and useless. I felt empty when I was 6, in my teens, in my 20s-30s and 40s. And, I’m afraid I’ll be feeling the same until my last breath. It’s just how my brain is wired.
I envy everyone, I’m jealous of peaceful and carefree they look. I’m not sure how to cope, how to live, how to get inner peace.
I read, work on myself, go to therapy and try to socialize. But, in the end, I just feel lost and awful.
I’m trying my best to live, to be “normal” but I’m just dead inside-
I’m sorry that I’m so negative and spewing out a lot of negativity. I’m really sorry.
JavierParticipantDear Sarah,
I’m forgiving everyone, including myself every day. I recite Hebrews 8:12 every morning ā “For I will be merciful toward their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.”
I have started to attend Sunday prayers regularly, just to be in touch with people, socialize, talk and learn from their life experiences. As I’m struggling to live day by day, and every task seems daunting, I get inspired by people who have battled and lived through pain, griefs and sorrows.
At last weeks prayer, I met my primary school teacher. She recognized me, and I felt blessed. I thanked her for all her support and kindness, and for being like a second mother to me. She basically raised me. I got so emotional and cried.
To be honest, I have always felt ungrateful towards people who helped mold me. Lately, I have been very emotional and sensitive, and tend to cry a lot. I have experienced an awakening, as I’m more humble and grateful toward people-
I actually gave an advice today or at least tried(https://tinybuddha.com/topic/how-to-find-yourself/).
I will check out Life Without Limits. Thank you for the recommendation.
JavierParticipantDear surfthesky,
I can relate and I know exactly how you feel. I was completely “lost” in my adolescence, in my 20s and still are. I used to be over-concerned about how people would look at me and what they thought and felt about me. As time goes by, status, positions, work titles and degrees doesn’t matter. I know at this stage of your life, you are and need to figure out what’s your calling, passion and drive. I might be the leastĀ qualifiedĀ personĀ to ever try toĀ giveĀ you lifeĀ advice, as I have failed and done all mistakes that are possible to do. Hence, I can only give you insight into my life experience-
When I was your age, I was a drug-addict, with no future, no purpose in life. The only thing I knew was to hurt and break relationships. I compared myself to everyone and felt inferior every time. While all my schoolmates, friends, relatives and acquaintances all had a plan(Naively I assumed so) and knew exactly what they wanted to do in life(Again Naively assumed), I knew nothing. After I went to rehab and managed to get drug-free, I had to start from scratch. I tried studying computer science(gave up), civil engineering(didn’t like it), business administration(Too difficult and daunting) and then finally electrical engineering. I felt inferior, ashamed and “out of place” as I was way older than most of my peers. When I finally graduated, I got a wonderful, high-earning job. I assumed that would “complete” me and that was my purpose.
But then life hits me out of nowhere. Loss of my unborn child, the love of my life ditched me, and then later committed suicide.
What was important and my “purpose” back then, wasn’t important at all now. Everything changed, and I learned the hard way that we can’t control either time or changes. We just have to accept and live with them.
As I couldn’t cope with the changes, I “ran” away from all my “problems”. I didn’t ask for help and didn’t acknowledge life and changes. Time was unlimited for me, I falsely assumed. I tried to find the “purpose” again, and after not finding anything, I went back to my high earning, jet-set life.
Then life gives you a wake-up call. Time is limited. I lost my job, got Covid, lost my apartment, car, all my money, everything.
I had to move back to my mothers apartment. No friends, no family, nothing at all in life. Now, in my forties, still “lost” and trying to find my purpose in my life.
I know my post is confusing and doesn’t make sense at all, but I’m just trying to say that the decisions you have made, felt right at the moment. And, there is never “too late” to do something else. Just follow your heart.
Better to try and fail and not trying. That will just make you regret things, and I know everything about regrets.
I don’t have any good advice for what’s right and what’s wrong, or what you should or shouldn’t do. Just want you to know that most people feel “lost” sometimes in their life, the most important thing is that you have acknowledged it and asked for advice/help. You are young, your journey has just started, so keep your head high, cherries the good times and moments. Keep friendships and family relationships, and you will slowly find some inner peace and your “purpose”.
JavierParticipantHow are you protective and caring?
I always feel responsible for other peoples feelings. Especially towards my family, as I feel responsible for all their pain and hurting.Ā As a result, I go to great lengths to avoid conflicts, and seldom admit when my feelings are hurt.
When have you protected and cared for someone?
I have always been overprotected and over-caring towards my nieces, well when I was a little “healthier” mentally. My main mission was to protect them from all the bad things I experienced in my childhood and to keep them safe, happy and smiling.
How does it feel to protect and care?
Honestly, it sucks big time. Because, it reminds me how neglected, hurt and tormented I was. And, I tend to start with the “what ifs”, “I wish”, and “Why wasn’t there anyone there for me”. The more I protect and care about my nieces, the more devastated and anxious I feel. Somehow, I see myself in them, my brittle inner-child that is broken into thousand pieces.Ā I get reminded of how brittle and weak I really am. A tiny bump in the road will break me.
How can you protect and care for others and yourself now?
At the moment, just being alive and staying alive is the only way I can protect and care for others. The pain and hurting of any other life decision will shatter their world. I’m dedicating all my time(the time I’m mentally available and the demons have minimal effect on my mind) to reading, journaling, understanding and self-help.
What does being compassionate look like for you?
To be with someone during ups and downs. To pick someone up when they’re down, not heal them or walk in their shoes, but just be there, standing next to the one that is weathering the storm.
At the moment, I’m struggling every day to find a purpose, a reason for living. I’m at the point of my life where I can’t help anyone.
JavierParticipantThis morning I was given the task of mapping “Realistic Picture of Myself”. It was daunting and really left me perplexed as I had to write down how I see myself (Negative(N) and Positive(P) things). I don’t know why, but I will write down my thoughts. Maybe it will give me some inner peace or maybe it’s just to address my messed up self-image. Anyway,
1. Physical Appearance
- Short (5’8/5’9 feet) – N
- Curly hair – N
- Bulky Nose – N
- Hunching – N
- Short legs – N
- Short Torso – N
- Beady Eyes – N
- Chipped teeth – N
- No defined chin – N
- Skin rashes – N
- Skinny – N
- Olive skin – P
2. Personality
- Cold and introvert – N
- Insecure and always on alert – N
- Easily annoyed and aggressive – N
- Distant and full of self-doubt – N
- Trapped in my past – N
- Unloveable and Lost – N
- Moody – N
- Emotional – N
- Overly Sensitive – N
- Weak-minded – N
- Fearful – N
- Pessimist – N
- Sometimes apathetic – N
3. Mental Functioning
- Impulsive and act before I think – N
- Not good to resolve problems and issues – N
- Always looking for the easy-way out – N
- Non-confrontational, “run” and “hide” from problems – N
- No cognitive and social skillsĀ – N
- Good Memory – P
- Learn by doing – P
4. Emotional Landscape
- Moody, long periods of low and complete lack of self-esteem. – N
- Long periods of low energy and depression – N
- Insecurity and lack of self-esteem since childhood. -N
- Jealousy, fear, anger and regrets -N
- Stuck in the past, and second-guessing all life decisions. – N
- Give up and quit before even trying. – N
- Trouble expressing feelings, and easily lash out/blow up on family and friends. – N
5. Performance at School/Work
- Never been any good at school – N
- Lazy, always looking for the short-cuts and easy ways out. – N
- Never been eager to learn or had any discipline – N
- Unfocused and easy distracted – N
- Picks up things easy – P
6. Performance on Everyday tasks
- All tasks are doable and easy to follow – P
- Procrastinate every task – N
- Easily bored – N
- Terrible at scheduling and planning activities. – N
7. Friendships
- Don’t have any close friends or acquaintances – N
- Not good at keeping friends – N
- Trust issues and always on alert – N
- Always striving for giving a good first impression – N/P
- Easily forget important dates and happenings- N
8. How other People view me
- Strange and awkward – N
- Reserved and suspicious – N
- Boring and complete lack of self-esteem – N
- Unattractive and non-existent – N
- Pathetic, unloveable and lonely – N
- Dumb and Mentally disturbed – N
9. Love Relationship
- Protecting and caring – P
- Lack of patience and understanding – N
- Immature and non confrontational – N
- Hide feelings and afraid of expressing my true feelings – N
10. How will people remember you
- Loser and unsuccessful – N
- Didn’t manage to maintain and/or make any relationships – N
- Waste of opportunities – N
- Waste of potential – N
- Sad, depressed and hopeless – N
- Poisonous – N
Tomorrow, I will have to challenge each of these thoughts and address if they are true or not.
This has been the most productive session for me so far. I know there are many negatives, but this is what is inside my head.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 2 months ago by Javier.
JavierParticipantThank you Sarah for the positive affirmations. I really hope I can be cured, even 10% will be enough for me to at least live.
I’m completely lost and don’t have any purpose or direction. Every morning is a battle for finding the “WHY” and the reason for keep battling. I’m desperately searching for a meaningful purpose, the energy to resolve internal and external conflicts, courage for planning for the future. When all hope is lost, I desperately come to the forum for advice and positive affirmations. It has kept me alive so far.
Thank you TeaK,
You are correct, I can’t expect my therapist to heal me. And I know it’s not a quick fix or any magic formula or pill for healing the pain. I have learned some somatic psychotherapy techniques such as using descriptive language and titration/pendulation. If I’m in the zone and my mind/mood is right, I get some relaxation.
I’m really unrested because I’m overthinking about my past and all my wrong decisions. I’m tormented and devastated every time I get reminded of my past. The thing that upsets me most is as time passes, I’m struggling to accept the distance between the good memories. I’m always going to be afraid of time passing. Age and numbers(years or exact dates from the past with reference to some incidents) freak me out. I don’t know why, but every time I hear a song or watch a movie/Tv-Series from the 80s, 90s and 00s I just end up crying uncontrollably.
I’m currently reading(slow-reading) How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera. Chapter 6 – Power of Belief, hit me really hard. I wish I would have known these things in my early 20s.
JavierParticipantI’m annoyed, frustrated and perplexed. I have been in several sessions with my therapists, and I’m still stuck at square one.
I was expecting(not a quick-fix nor a magic pill) some techniques, work tasks or at least something that I can do by myself. I battle every day for my life, my mind is killing me, and every morning is a fight for survival. I have expressed this dozen of times to my therapists and begged them for help. They just acknowledge it, and they tend to brush it under the carpet.
My emptiness, my desire to not live, my depression is killing me slowly. And the only thing they tell me is that I need to find a way to fill my days with activities and physical exercise. I’m tired and have no energy left. I have trouble with sleeping, and they just put me on meds and urges me to go to sleep. My body, mind and heart are weak. I’m dead inside and completely empty. I have this “sense” that I won’t survive this for long, but still, they won’t help me.
The emptiness will never disappear or go away, which I know for sure, but why can’t they show me the direction or at least tell me if there are any books or courses I can do.
To be honest, this forum gives me more help than everything else.
I’m just a lost case that can’t be healed-.
- This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Javier.
JavierParticipantThank you Sarah,
Really appreciate your feedback. Do you think you will be able to feel good if you are off medications?
JavierParticipantYes, I have tried the motivational speeches and inspirational podcasts early in the mornings. I have also tried yoga and simple breathing exercices, but still feel lost, empty and full of negative thoughts. I’m still working on getting more disciplined in the mornings, but most of the time I just feel numb and lost.
JavierParticipantI usually “weather” the morning storms by self-talk(sometimes screaming) for a couple of hours. Then some reading and journaling.
Most of the time, I put the TV sound on the highest level, just to override my thoughts. It sounds silly, but I have the TV on 24/7 and I have to have sound and lights on all the time.
JavierParticipantTeaK,
Yes, you are right! But, I’m struggling to do that. I don’t know how to “switch” to the positive channel.
JavierParticipantThank you Teak,
I’m afraid of the mornings, I’m afraid of reliving all my regrets. In the mornings, I have thousands of negative thoughts attacking me every morning. Every morning I get reminded of everything(My past, my regrets, my disappointments, my broken relationships..etc). As I can’t distract myself with journaling and reading as I wake up, everything is magnified significantly.
I dread every morning, the nightmares, the waking-up traumas, the anxiety attacks, the feeling of being helpless and not be able to correct/fix anything from my past and present.
JavierParticipantTeak,
I really want to be “healed”. But, my mind is fighting me every day. At the moment, my whole life feels wasted. I don’t know why, but I’m second-guessing everything I do and even did in my past, from early age till now. I get anxious just by thinking about tomorrow. I’m afraid of sleeping, I can’t cope, I’m afraid all the time. Sometimes I just want to be drugged-down so I’m not able to feel or think anything. I don’t know my needs or core life values, everything just seems non-existent. To wake up like this every day makes it really hard to find any silver linings. The only thing keeping me motivated is this forum and all your courageous words.
JavierParticipantThank you TeaK,
My therapist said exactly the same. As I’m empty and completely “dead” inside, it would surely be a lost cause. I feel adrift with no direction, no path in life. But, I’m still trying to find my purpose and begin living a meaningful life. I have so many questions, so much to figure out.
JavierParticipantI’m just wondering. Is having kids the ultimate goal of life? Will they fulfil my needs and emptiness?
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