Dear anita,

I am feeling really refreshed reading what you wrote: having an interesting life rather than a happy one. I really look up to people who prioritize having fun and value curiosity over just ‘being happy’. And I aspire to be one of them too. Being happy sounds like an empty goal, it shouldn’t be something as great as a life goal. And for some reason, it sounds more self-destructive to me.

I am feeling a lot better than yesterday. Thank you for your kind words during this time

Regards,

Javairia

Hi Sonia,

Thank you very much for your reply. I tried running away from the situation but I knew something would linger on this way. Just two days ago he texted me a ‘Hey’, which was the first message after three or four months I ghosted him. I knew what I had to do: fix what I didn’t before. I replied to him for the last time and said: “I am sorry for ghosting you without providing a reason. Our friendship was really exhausting for me. It was tiring so I left it out. I apologize for keeping you hanging around or wondering for this time. I should’ve said this earlier. I hope you do well in your friendships in future.” And he replied with, “That’s alright”, and that’s where it all ended for good and all. Thank you for your time

Regards,

Javairia

Dear anita,

I am guessing it’s because of irregular meal times, I get careless at eating meals on time. Though, I’ll take medicine if doesn’t get better!

“The child believes that she has extreme powers to destroy.”

This sentence stands for all the concerns I had in my mind that made up the “bad person” complex from the start. You couldn’t explain it better. I couldn’t even explain this to myself better. I assume I have this power to destruct with every single word and with the tiniest action, as if everything holds such a heavy weight the way it did. I have seen and lived closely with those people who attempted to take away their own lives(my mom and brother); there must have been someone else’s words or actions powerful enough to destruct so much of these peoples lives(my mom’s and brother’s). And so I have lived in constant balancing and over analyzing of each and every word because it might also DESTROY someone. The constant fear to destroy someone, to hurt someone, and to lose someone I care about.

“We do not live among extremely sensitive situations like those days, Javairia.” I must remind myself this often.

This just connects to many things. I will probably add more to it later and will answer your last question too, but I want to free my mind of other study tasks first.

I really appreciate for all that you have advised me and consoled me for more than a year until now. I really do. I wish you happiness

Regards,

Javairia

Dear anita,

Rationally everyone can tell it was not the children’s fault in the house, of whatever happened in the adults’ lives that day. But you are correct. It was devastating for us, that’s why I still feel guilty of every little action of mine, and every word I speak. As if someone is going to grab something harmful again, and I’m going to lose them forever. My mind is really not thinking rationally more than half the times, and especially when this guilt hits over. “Bad person complex” is especially rooted to this incident. I’ve been envying people who are not that emotionally sensitive as I grew up to be. It’s an illogical thing to say, but I feel inferior to them.

She has talked about it several times. More like re-called it. And that’s all, she just re-calls it. She doesn’t talk about if I felt scared or resentful or anything towards that action. She would leave it to be like, “Do you remember when your dad hit me, and I attempted suicide?”. And I find it weird why she would bring that topic up that way. Without even asking us how we felt, or even venting out herself, that she felt helpless that day. She simply re-calls it. So, no. No, she didn’t ever apologize. She’s never been sorry for doing that. I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel about that. But, seriously I don’t feel like a victim to her actions, but deep down I sure am guilty.

Dear anita,

Thank you for listening, like always.

I hope you feel better after your walk, if reading it made you feel stressed out

Take care

Dear anita,

Yes it is nice being validated.

It is exactly the case you mentioned. I “hear” my words being misunderstood and me being accused on the most random things I do. More than half of the time I imagine the things before hand; what are the all possible ways of my words or actions getting twisted enough in others’ eyes to be taken or misunderstood as bad/evil. It has really become a sub-conscious thing now, and I realize it AFTER I’m done accusing my own self and overthinking a little action of mine. But most of the times I don’t have the ability to distinguish, if my word, or action really hurt or affected the other party negatively or is it totally an irrational critic inside of me speaking. And as long as I remember I’ve dealt with this for a long long time. Ever since as a child I guess. What I called it in mind was “Dealing with the problems of justifiability of my morality”. I can’t justify what was moral or immoral, even though the intention was sincere, did the person get hurt, or discouraged or anything? This keeps me thinking A LOT.

Maybe it has to do with my parents’ arguments where at this point they ask their children to “pick a side” in the end, and you’d usually go with “both”, or try to come up with something to tell them sincerely that it is not that they think both of the parents are wrong or bad or unwanted in children’s eyes, but they misunderstand you. I’ve experienced this as a teenager too, when my calls and fights with me on the phone just to vent out his resentment towards mum. In his random outbursts, I’ve learned to stay silent now. Because if I reply with anything, even if it has a nice intention, he uses it against me to tell me that I support my mum AGAINST HIM. And my brain equals that out-of-blue argument to maybe I’m a bad person.

I have this fear too. Of losing someone if my actions or words are reached out too late. Or if they’re even at slightest the wrong. If what I said or did made them lose something (emotionally or physically), I’m the worst person alive. It is apparent that this deep rooted fear is from watching my mum attempt to take her life away. That fears me so much, still. I’ve lived with these thoughts like that since I was that 6-year old child.

When I get anxious on repetitive thoughts like the replies I made to my friend, I keep hanging on to a guilt of what I said (past), and fear of something that might happen (future). I mentioned past and future, because it really highlights my brain is hanging onto anything but the present.

Shortly, what I think is: the guilt, and judging myself repeatedly comes from my parents’ arguments, and the way my mum accused me for incest so quickly, so as a protective mechanism maybe I judge myself too quickly before anyone could. And the anxiousness comes from the fear of witnessing a loss again. I might be wrong

Regards,

Javairia

Dear anita,

Thank you very much for listening again, and for the encouragement.

I think I’d to end the “toxic friendship” thing by telling you the proper ending of it. One of my best friends had been very close with that friend I mentioned about, and started the thread about. About a week ago I shared her the reason I’d been avoiding this friend. Because I had the feeling she had been too around the same time I was. After hearing me she said THE EXACT thing happened with her. And after having a talk, we both discovered he really was the toxic friend among us and we were right cutting him off. He somehow used everyone to vent out, I wasn’t alone. I was into so much peace for the day after having that talk with her.

Dear anita,

Thank you very much for replying again. I read your response multiple times and pondered over the parts- especially the “middle ground” one.

It put me at ease oddly reading about that middle ground part. And I think I need to remind myself about the possibility and availability of a middle ground, even aside the personal statement work.

Thank you for pointing out the two traits on that too. And yes, I get it. Thank you for sharing your part of that struggle.

I’ve been thinking of narrating an experience of this February and relating it to the traits somehow. It was about me getting to do something I’ve been planning and dreaming to do for quite long. I finally got to make and print art zines of mine, and publish them. But it went quite bad and I faced loss. I think I can describe and connect, while narrating how I deal with difficult situations and yada yada. It’ll probably serve as a middle ground in this case, by not throwing serious topics in face of the readers, and not being too flowery either. Do you think it’ll work somehow?

Plus, I wanted an advice on a fresh but not-so fresh topic: Quarantine. How you or someone around you have been keeping up productivity? I’ve been getting zero things done. Not even being productive at art, or literally anything I enjoy or don’t equally. I worked quiet well when I had school, and juggled a lot of things and got them done. But when holidays or breaks come in, I lose all motivation to do anything. My head just overthinks when I’m awake. And it overthinks everything, believe me. And because I know there’s no “external body to provide me discipline” (school) I just know I don’t have to work. I hate staying home to guts. So I’ve been always using school and school activities as an excuse and escapism. Staying at home is messing up my mind so much. I’ve tried so much like make checklists, set my own deadlines, set rewards/punishments, and just anything to trick my brain into working but I got nothing out of it. Can you suggest me something to not dread this stay-at-home time, not overthink and probably get something done?

I hope you’re doing well.

Regards,

Javairia