Dear anita,

As always: delighted to read your response. I am so glad to know that I made it on your list too!

Bless you

-Javairia

Dear anita,

That is a pretty alarming news, I hope you and other citizens are coping well.

Thank you for understanding. I really don’t get the hold of my thoughts when I’m at home. Even when nothing particularly bad is happening, I just seem to lose all my motivation, discipline and energy. I am not myself right now. And this lifeless me needs to get done with really important stuff like Scholarship Award Applications, studying for A-levels exams and such.

I am guessing I’ll have to find a way or excuse to stay out somewhere to do my tasks. I really want to run away from this stillness, it’s eating me away. What do you do when you feel stuck in life?

-Javairia

Dear anita,

Thank you for another hug.

I’ve been trying to not listen often. I put on headphones and try to block out everything with music when there’s a fight or argument going around. And thankfully, schools are still open and I can get away with it for a few hours.

-Javairia

Dear anita,

You’re welcome, it’s nice to know.

It feels liberating to read those lines over and over- that we are not that one responsibility she’s living for. I’m sorry you had to go through the similar experience. I totally got what you wanted to express. No matter how extreme her choice of words is, a parent can be dishonest to their children too.

Also, my mother is a compulsive liar. I’ve noticed that since I was very young. She’s been always lying out of habit for no reason- even in normal, relaxed conversations. She even lies to me about our budget sometimes. I understand she’s trying to nervously save up to get through the month I guess?? But it still hurts me sometimes that she lies to me and doesn’t provide honest details of our budget, just to gear me up for asking for more money.

I feel appreciated, thank you for the encouraging words

-Javairia

Dear anita,

Thank you, I will let you know.

I had a really hard time this week. Things aren’t going well. At times like this, I wonder: Am I too weak? Why is it that I’m not strong enough? Am I too sensitive to little things? If yes, then why I can’t I be tougher… I just got a call from dad in the morning. He subtly showed annoyance in his tone. He kind of indicated we are a burden. Or maybe I am looking into words a bit too much. But, really, that call broke me down. I am crying since. I do not feel good at all.

I am so so tired. I am not doing well in exam prep., things at home are going really bad, I am getting financially stressed.

Maybe calming down is what I need, but those things don’t disappear even if I distract for a while. It is too realistic to just disappear or resolve itself. Especially, financial matters, they don’t solve themselves, they’re stressing me out. Should I tell my parents to talk to each other for these things and stop making me make the calls? My dad would be definitely the one to reject this with all his might. He hates mom. Hates even listening to the sound of her voice. how would they make a call?

If it doesn’t work out, it’ll definitely create more chaos in house, with slamming doors, and everyone being bitter to each other. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll not be able to get rid of the responsibility.

My breath is getting shorter and I can’t stop the tears. I am so scared of living for another day

I am so sorry if it is too distressing or burdensome to read through. I hope you’re feeling okay

Javairia

Dear anita,

It was an average day yesterday. But today- today was heavy. My heart kept pounding like one of those days. My stomach was dropping for no reason. I felt really messed up

But now I look back, I had several worries today that were making up this whole heart-pounding, overall messy situation. The biggest worry was the “mandatory” call to dad; the list of financial responsibilities I had on my mind nonstop. And the little ones were the amount of things to study and how I will get done on time, and about other little to-dos.

And suddenly this frustration came over me. I felt as if everyone around me(in the classroom) was way better than me. Even though nobody can actually be compared that way, but I couldn’t help myself for the entire day comparing my situation with others. Comparing it with just anyone, friends, people I know in person closely. I felt like I have lost something that they haven’t. Even though, I could not claim such comparisons, also given that I do not own an entire script of someone’s life experiences. In short, I was being completely irrational and out of my head.

When I was at home I was grieving the wounded child. I was grieving the early scars. I tried hard to snap back from the past I was living in for the moment, but I couldn’t. I really wanted to cry my eyes out. I did cry, but not enough to let out the frustration. When there are days where I feel a dark, dark hole inside of me from the early wounds, everything on the outside suddenly feels so blindingly bright. Everyone around me; they seem so happy, so well off. Everything feels so bright and beautiful, and it hurts my eyes. “I’m alone existing separately from this beautiful world”. That’s how I feel

I was being TOTALLY illogical, right? That was kind of childish of me to let it consume me, but I felt like expressing it anyway. If you know what to do or not to if you fall into the sudden loop of reminiscing unpleasant/hurtful events for an entire day?

Regards,

Javairia

Dear anita,

I am very delighted to read your replies here today. Maybe I’ve been missing talking to friends and interacting with people in general, having little conversations and all. Although, our school reopened today; it was my first day, But I couldn’t interact or hang out with my friends much, and we have our exams coming up so everybody’s focused on studying more. I miss my friends  lot these days. I hope I can experience those interesting human interactions and take part in little conversations again! And things around the world get better too.

I am doing well, just a bit nervous about exams and all the uni application stuff, but this should be fun I guess. I hope you’re doing well too

I take some time to reply, because I try to absorb the things you put down for me to understand. Since they’re great advises, I take time to go over them time and again.

And it is very considerate of you to mention that you will be willing to reply whenever I want to receive an input from someone. I am comforted to hear that. Although I hope you’re doing good yourself before putting in time for me.

Regards,

Javairia