Dear anita,

I hope the decision to leave the forum was best for you.

You came to my mind today, so I logged back in to drop this message (in case you ever get to read this): I wish you health and love. Thank you for everything.

It was a delight opening the thread after a long time and seeing your response.

-Java

Dear Anita,

It’s nice to hear that 2023 has been fine and dandy! It’s also surprising and lovely to know it’s cold outside but warm inside for you— with the company of a cup of coffee—as I felt the same a few hours ago: it was incredibly snowy but I was all warmed up with warm sweaters and socks, with a chocolate bar and a cup of tea.

I hope you have a great day. So grateful that Java got to read your response.

Hi there Teddy.

Thanks for stopping by!

I just searched up about ACA meetings. I’m still a bit short on information on how these sessions work out. But I’m definitely interested! I tried putting in my location but nothing popped up, so I guess I can stick with online meetings for now?

Would love to hear your experiences with meditation meetings so far. I’ve never tried meditating. As it seems too intimidating to me. I feel like it will be too hard for me for some reason?

(There’s a language barrier for people who come here for the first time for sure. I was raised in a polyglot environment, so I didn’t have trouble learning the new language. Thus the language barrier only used to make me sad during the first few months here. )

Have a great day

-Java

Hi anita,

Glad to hear about your arm!

Well I might’ve written the things that gave an idea of a romantic interest. But no. I’m not romantically interested in her. I was just very used to her company I guess. And the point I was trying to make with calls was of jealousy; not as in I need her to talk with me like that, it was of I need someone to talk to as well. I hope it makes sense.

And the conversation was pretty random. She saw a couple in front of us and asked me if I’m in romantic love with someone right now (She clearly knew I had a girlfriend at that time). And I confirmed and said yes. And that put her off. Her response meant that all these people, including you, are in love and I find it annoying or frustrating. I didn’t like that response of hers.

So basically these days I felt that I became her. Just like the time I was in a relationship while she was single and trying to move on, she was passive aggresively mentioning her discontent. And now that she is presumably in one and I’ve broken up, I find myself jealous. I feel like I would’ve rooted for her if she wouldn’t have stone walled right after she got into one. It makes me feel like I was only a play time toy (again I’m only talking about our platonic friendship), and once she got a better distraction, she ghosted me.

This is why I felt humiliated and embarrased over the obsession of our friendship I have/had. I felt embarassed to feel jealous of my friend being in a relationship. It’s very childish of me.

Anyhow, I think a sensible thing for me to do is give her her own space. And find myself other friends and activities, especially during the call hours when I can keep myself busy with something else. Does it sound like a better idea?

Also, yes. I’ll suggest her to make calls outside after the bedtime. This was one of our rules, to begin with.

Thank you for your response, as always. Have a great day or night!

-Java

Dear anita,

The weather has been the same here as well. I hope you had a nice walk; do you enjoy it as much as running?

I love your response, anita. The sweetness-bitterness thing matches up perfectly.

Although, on the back of my mind the meaninglessness of running after sweetness or running from bitterness is still festering. I also believe I can tilt my perspective slightly to adjust that this all doesn’t need to be a painful chase. I can’t be putting such a precise effort into chasing after sweet and running away from bitter. All I need to do is stay in this new world right now.

Even though there’s no script or manual; Am I thinking right?

-java

Hi Anita,

I’m truly sorry that I’ve gotten worse at replying. I will be more active at replying and not leave your replies hanging in thin air. I’m sorry again. Also I want you to know that I’m grateful for and cherish all the time you put on my threads and on many any other threads here. You are an awesome human being with an awesome heart and brain.

Now back to the thread: Thanks a lot. It was also great hearing from you again!

I really liked your analysis on the book. I agree, our mothers’ actions and various other events that happened in our childhoods, as you mentioned, definitely threw us into this void. It’s hard to explain but yes, it does feel like floating in the abyss and trying to stay afloat every so often.

I went through a breakup a week or two later I posted here. It was right before my finals, so even if I was sad, I remained distracted because of the deadlines. However, since past week our break started, it has taken a toll on me. I don’t have any emotional capacity to do the simplest tasks. Cooking myself anything, taking a shower, doing laundry, drawing or reading a book… Everything seems like a painful chore.

If I’m being honest I’ve felt this way since 2019 (when my brother attempted suicide). But it came in bouts. Everything has been a chore, another merely task to get rid of, since that time. It’d get worse some days or weeks but this time I feel extremely desolated. You know, anita, I acknowledge that I was in a toxic environment back then. But because we were all miserable I didn’t feel the kind of desolation I feel now. My friends- the ones here and the ones back in my home country- are usually busy. Most of them here are working a lot and thus cancelling plans or have been unable to make any to begin with. And the ones back home are also busy with university stuff all the time (they’re all studying medicine). My roommate who I’ve been very close with since past year, is working a lot these days, and when she’s not working she’s either hanging out with her friends, going out or talking on the phone with her crush. We used to hang out a lot, but now she’s all occupied and cancels on anything I suggest that we can do.

The point I’m trying to make is: envy. I’ve never felt this way when I was at home. I’ve never had a single urge to go out and hangout with my friends outside of school. I’ve never even felt miserable about this isolation in the way I do now. Now it comes with envy. Because others around me have it perhaps better than what I do and now it stings. Because I went through a breakup recently, it’s unbearable to listen to my roommate call her crush every night and giggle and smile. I feel extremely deserted.

And now I feel like I have none left of the two worlds- the one I had back there, and the one that I have here. I understand that thinking miserable will only make me more miserable but it’s hard to think that all that’s happened until today has any reason to keep fighting. I can’t think of anything worth fighting for.

I’m sorry for such a gloomy post. I wish I could write a nice update, maybe that’s why I was waiting to reply for a while.

How was the weather today? Do you still go on your daily runs?

-Java

Hi anita,

Thank you for replying. I won’t receive her calls in front of anyone from now. I’ll disengage the best I can.

I’ll try to be careful of what I say

I always feel better and heard reading from you

Hi anita,

It’s been a while. I hope life’s going well and interesting for you.

On my end: I have finally moved out and have started my uni in a another country. It’s been almost 3 weeks now.

You’ve been nothing but a kind stranger I wrote to for over 2 years now. You cross my mind sometimes and it makes me feel really grateful- really really grateful. I wish you good health and lots of love.

And thank you again, I’ll add if I feel like adding something.

Take care!

-Javairia