I guess I have 16+ years in with her. I felt like her straying or our relationship having problems, was my fault, my failure. I realize relationships need to change and I am open to it. I can even consider they may be just friends. But as soon as you start hiding things… that means there is a reason you need to hide them. I have a fear of losing her, what we had (but truthfully, what we had is gone). I feared it to the point of having it paralyze my life. I was scared that she saw what she was doing and didn’t care. I would be watchful, waiting to see if she stumbled again. It made me lose site of myself, my kids, friends because I was fixated on her not cheating and me being able to fix it.

By saying I need to heal myself, I need to live my own life, not have her so center in my life anymore… To take the kids camping and not worry if she does cheat (I am trying to learn that doesn’t reflect on me). I am tired of her poor choices making me unhappy. I want to be away from the negativity, which sends me in to “fix-it” mode. I want to be happy, I want her back, to trust her… to trust us. I want a new relationship with her but I am not sure of what she wants (I am not sure she knows what she wants) and that uncertainty, kills me.

It hasn’t been a easy year… But when we are good, we are good. He does LOVE to play the white knight. At first I hated him, wanted to act out against him but now I realize the issue is between us. And I know she is going though her own “crisis” and I am sure that mad him more appealing. I truly thought for the longest time, it was me over reacting… maybe they were only friends… A guy and girl can be friends with out turning into more right? But it comes down to it hurt me and she didn’t care. I suggested counseling… no go, “Too expensive and it doesn’t help” She would rather ignore it…

Yes… During our last fight she said she finally realized that it hurts me and promised not to. She did admit the other day she was checking her email and checking out his profile on Facebook. So as much as I try to expect she will follow through with her promise, I have my doubts.

I will check out apply EAR. It may be a good tool. We did enjoy better communication in the past. That was before we added a business on top of everything else. It took hold as the main objective in our lives. And it means the world to her. He came into our lives as being a helpful customer and we all became friends.

Inky – Your right and during our good times, I think that is what I am doing. At one point she told me taking her on dates didn’t count, because it wasn’t spontaneous. I didn’t let that deter me and pushed through she had fun and we have discovered new stuff to do since then. When the good, it is good. I need to heal myself though. I would be lying if I told you I don’t think about it at least once a day. It is like an anchor on my I know I need to let go of it but I am scared to. I am not sure why. I guess after all this time, I expect her to be there and it scares me she may not. I would feel like a failure. But you are right, talking to her about it does no good nor does me dwelling over it. I need to find someone to vent to though, otherwise as I try to heal, it spills over into our relationship.