Hey Aiyana, nice to hear that you had a nice Thanksgiving. How wonderful that you’re writing a book. What is it about if I may ask? I never really published my works as a writer. Two of my short stories were published as part of a literature prize that I took part in. Other than that I made my writing public by participating in poetry slams and posting my literature on deviantart.com. But that’s as far as it went. I never pursued a career as an author so it has always been just a hobby for me. A friend of mine published her first book about two years ago though. I think she had some contacts with the publisher which helped her get it published. Networking is probably always a good thing.

I’m very happy that my reply means so much to you. I feel touched by your response, thanks for your love. All the best to you x

Dear Laia,
My baby sister (strictly speaking only half sister) went through a similar situation when her parents divorced when she was five years old. It’s understandable that your step-daughter is difficult during the first hours of your contact. She is confused and probably doesn’t want to lose either of her parents. She may be afraid that by loving you and your partner, she may lose her mother. That’s why I think you’re doing exactly the right thing. You talk about her mother, not in a negative but in a positive way. You let her express her feelings. Give her the feeling that she is loved unconditionally. Give her the feeling that she doesn’t have to decide.

I don’t know if there is any possibility to ask the mother for a diplomatic and peaceful conversation on how to co-parent, communicating to her that you don’t intend any harm. Maybe even with the possibility of a mediator? But probably you’ve tried that already?
You cannot control the mother’s behaviour. You can only do your part, but you can’t change how other people behave. And it’s sad because you can see how much pain it’s causing, but you can only control your own behaviour. And by giving your step-daughter a place of love and positive communication around all parents, you are making a huge difference.

My sister is now a teenager and though she’s struggling in some aspects, she has become a very confident, strong and resilient girl, despite all the negativity she experienced. And I’m very certain that that’s because there were people in her life who gave her unconditional love and understanding.

Stay strong and positive and trust that you’re doing the best you can in your situation.

Much love

Hey Matt, I’m sorry you’re struggling with depression. This must be really hard, especially because you say you’ve lived a very happy life before. Let me start off by saying that I am sure you can live a happier life again.

I took the time to read through your thoughts and can see that you took some time to reach your conclusions. However, I’d like to challenge a few of your thoughts if you will:

You say
“Therefore, I and many other people who suffer from depression and anhedonia (lack of pleasure) are inferior with inferior lives compared to our much greater counterparts (the people we would of been if we instead had our full pleasure in life with little suffering in addition to our achieved greatness and in addition to our achieved benefits). We are also inferior with inferior lives compared to those who do have their full pleasure in life with little suffering and little to no depression in addition to their achieved greatness and benefits such as compassion and many other such positive forms of greatness and benefits.”

To me, this way of perceiving people is not very compassionate nor great. How can any person even be inferior? Why do we have to measure up in absolute greatness, accomplishments or happiness? How can that even be objectively measured? And what is greatness anyway? Is being great at music better than being great at selling books? Or the other way around?
I think we all come with different potentials. Who and how we are is a product of our genes, the things we’ve experienced, how we were raised, the encounters we’ve had etc. And because of these factors it can be very hard for some of us to be e.g. compassionate or accomplish things. And the same goes for feeling pleasure. I think most people are trying to be the best they can at that time. And for some it stops at with little compassion or pleasure because they just can’t do it differently at that moment.

But none of this makes anyone more or less inferior than anyone else. It just makes them who they are.

I think you need to realize the same about your own situation. I think you should accept that you’re just feeling depressed and lack pleasure at the moment. You said yourself how you notice it’s making it harder for you to be compassionate. It’s hard to be depressed so don’t view yourself as an inferior human being. View yourself as someone who is really struggling at the moment. And you’re still doing what you can with what you have. And I’m not suggesting, as you had implied in your text, that you should accept that you’re depressed now and that’s the end of the story. I think if you move from a place of accepting that you’re feeling anhedonic right now, you may lose some of the additional pain of not having happiness anymore. And it might help you in finding pleasure again in the future. I believe that you are capable of experiencing happiness again.

But just accept that you’re not doing so right now. And maybe strive for absolute bliss might be setting the expectations too high?

You say: “Some people would also say that without pain and suffering, then there can be no pleasure. But this would be false. A baby can be born into this world without having yet experienced pain or suffering and immediately feel happiness and love being in the arms of a mother.”

Actually, when a baby is born, it’s quite likely a very horrible and many hold even traumatic experience. The baby leaves the known, warm, dark womb only to be forcefully pushed outside into a cold, noisy, bright, unknown world.
We can only experience the day as bright because we know night. And we value a warm tea much more after we’ve just escaped the cold rain.

I can sense that this is a very personal issue for you and so I hope I didn’t step on your toes here. From reading this I also get the vibe that you’re a great person and I truly hope you can find your pleasure again. May I ask for how long you’ve been struggling with depression?

Much love

Hey Santiago, it’s great that you’r reaching out. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time. Is it a specific thing that you envy people for? What do you wish you could have in your life?

Maybe you’d like to try adding positive rituals into your life, such as a gratitude journal, meditation or scheduling me-time. Think about things that make you feel good.
Be gentle with yourself and accept with compassion that life feels really hard for you right now. Ask yourself what you can do to take care of yourself in a kind way when your harsh criticism strikes again.
I wish you all the best.

Hey Robino,
I love the idea! I love to smile at strangers. It’s so nice to give them this short moment of human connection that brings them to the present moment. The smile you’ll receive in return is one of the most gratifying gifts.
I also used to volunteer in an old people’s home where I would visit an old lady and have conversations with her. She was lonely and loved to have someone to talk to.

Hey Dustin, I think a lot of people will be a little uncomfortable or taken aback initially, but as Rebecca says, if you are building good friendships, they’ll like you just like you are. Do you act self-consciously or worry about your teeth when you’re engaging in interactions with others? If you’re comfortable with your teeth and act confidently, others will get over their initial discomfort or judgement much faster.
There’s this quote by Dr. Suess which I really like: “Those who care don’t matter and those who matter don’t care.” Trust that you’ll find the right people.

Great response Matt! And beautifully written!