Hi Brandy

I have come to realise estrangements are common.  Babies bring us so much joy and hope, and I suppose sometimes it is unfair to overburden them with the responsibility to make us happy. I have other grandchildren who I will be able to see soon and I have a good relationship with them.

My son is making plenty of mistakes, including leaving the home and then going back at whim. I always felt he wouldn’t be a fit parent but neither is his partner. I feel so sorry for the baby- but at least she has taken her out to see her other grandma today.

I find it hard listening to my son,in some ways it feels like enabling but I think it is important for me to listen when he rings as it is the only way I can keep contact with the baby. At least I don’t get the abuse and bullying I get from his partner.

The shame I felt the other day has dissipated- I think the first person to tell is my daughter who is ringing me later today.

I feel calmer and will get plenty of support this coming week.

Thankyou for your kind words.

Hi TeaK

I don’t want to go into details. I feel compassion for him too. I have tried to support through the past few very traumatic months but he will not see how destructive his behaviour is. He causes chaos for his partner, his sister, for myself and now for his child.

He now has the chance to put his life back together without any interference. He knows he is loved. My hope is that he will finally see his own worth but it will be difficult.

My best hope is that a kind and compassionate person such as yourself might come into his life instead of the drug addicts and alcoholics he surrounds himself with.

He is my son and no one else knows how much I care about him. I have told him this over and over. It has been his choice to absent himself from those who love him, and it will have to be his choice to come back.

Hi TeaK

I think back then I was trying to accept some responsibility for the way my son had grown into the person he was.  When his father and I split I didn’t handle it well. At that time in my life I was dealing with so much other stuff maybe I overlooked the impact it was having on him.  He was a teenager at the time and we had always been close, but eventually he went to live with his father. He always blamed me for the split.

In recent months since his father’s death our relationship has improved considerably, but due to events I don’t want to go into I had to step back. Since I said that he hasn’t contacted me at all and I’m fine with that.

The shame and upset is really to do with my grandchild who I can no longer see. Most of my siblings have grandchildren and so it is a common topic of conversation.  When asked I will just have to explain I no longer know how she is. This will sadden them as it saddens me, so maybe I feel I have failed not only as a parent but as a grandmother.

The fact that I have a good relationship with my other grandchildren brings me joy which is now tinged with sadness.

I think when I posted before I was being very hard on myself- I do acknowledge to my son that I got things wrong but that doesn’t excuse the things he’s done either. He has apologised to me in turn.

I think I’ll just have to see how things pan out. It may just as much turn out for the best as for the worst.

Thank you Diletta- I think if my sister did decide to come home to live she would want to be in her own space, too. The reasons why she has come here at this particular time are difficult to explain and in some ways are unimportant-what matters are my reactions to what she does and says. She caught me off guard and so far my response to her visit has been very negative.

I am starting to get my own self back- and now say and do things that make me feel more in control. I think she knows I am not her ‘mini-me’ but she has to deal with that herself. I have called her out in a reasonable way on a few things and that has made me feel much better, for instant questioning her throw-away remarks and asking her to justify them, instead of just pulling a face behind her back! Also when she asks a question and doesn’t get the answer she wants, I now remind her that my answer was as valid as her question.

I like to think she will learn from it too, as you say, but that is is not my concern. My own health and well being is paramount here.

I do not know that if, after this, she will ever come to stay with me again- this may be her final visit and so I want to make it a happy one for her whilst enjoying my own time, too.

I have found these messages very helpful and positive for me- so I am grateful for people helping me to get through this. Thank you.

Thanks for your reply- it made me smile as I am in my early 60s! And my visitor is not my mother who died several years ago, and wouldn’t I love her to pop in? My sister is several years older and yes, we do have a long history and at one time were very close, but she arrived unannounced and has now taken over my home for the next few weeks-she is not an easy guest and yes, it is hard to take care of myself when she is such a domineering person. I am not in therapy- this is just a normal occurrence I am finding difficult. I have to put strategies in place, such as giving myself some space and telling her how I feel when she makes decisions for me. I have lived alone for almost a year and it is hard when someone just turns up and puts you off balance. Thanks for taking the time to reply- I have to put her needs first for a while but this doesn’t mean I have to sacrifice my own. I am ticking off the days, though, (21) until she goes and that is very sad.

Thank-you so much Brandy- I think you are spot on with these observations and suggestions. My son went to live with his dad not long after we had split up, as he was much more lenient with him than I was and indulged him in ways I never would have. However, I don’t think he sees his actions as punishment or reward, rather I think he just tries to get what he wants from any source available.

Recently his dad was seriously ill, so I tried to support my son through this and for a while we became a little closer,but it didn’t last.

I can see that I have permitted my son’s dependence by helping him out now and again with money for specific things (never cash) and understand that that has become the nature of our relationship- for most of his adult life I have also used money as a means to get him off my back, as he wasn’t the easiest person to live with, and he did come back to my home from time to time.

I have  counselling appointment tomorrow, and will use it to try to frame the letter I will send. I now know what to say and how to try to re-form the relationship in the way you have outlined. The rest will be up to him. I am now in a place where I am prepared to completely cut those strings if need be- there is nothing more I can do. Thank-you for your good sense and understanding.

Thanks Mark- yes, I feel that I should know, all I can do is trust myself that I will do it. Since I did not respond to his request for money last week I have not heard from him, but maybe that is the price I have to pay.