Hi Marta,

I agree with Inky!

The fact is that he keeps on texting daily that he misses me and I just do not feel like responding. I think he just wants to see if I am still there, fighting, or that I have just gave up and he loses power over me. That’s how I see it.

I call these types ‘Butterfly’ people. They rarely stay around after 6-12 months, but flutter on to the next flower.  Both sexes, I’ve seen it with females just the same.

There is a perverse side of human nature, especially in younger people, where the person who has ended the relationship wants to know if you are falling apart without them.. so you get emails and texts and, whilest it appears that they are still thinking about you, they are actually bolstering their own ego. It make them feel powerful to know that someone is missing them.
That someone is hurting. That someone is thinking about them… Even though they don’t actually want that person anymore.

I had a boyfriend once who was like this. He had already lined up his next ‘flower’ before he finished it with me. Then constantly texted to ask me if I was ok… that he missed me… that he still had my things… that he wanted to stay friends… and so on. Yet he had already moved onto his next conquest!   All he really wanted to know was that I was falling apart without him, because it made him feel powerful, and bolstered his ego.  The typical ‘guy-that-broke-a-thousand-hearts’.  I told him ‘we’ were History. He was History. The relationship was History. I wished him well and said goodbye. I never contacted him after that.

He called me a bitch for not wanting to keep in touch! But I stopped him playing his little games – with me anyway. It actually hurt a lot when he did that, but I didn’t let him know that. I simply moved on, and he got a taste of his own medicine. I don’t know if it made him a better person, but I think that was the first time he’s ever been on the receiving end of what he had dished out to the many girlfriends before me over the years. And none of his relationships had ever lasted past 12 months before he was off after his next conquest.  I think he was addicted to the thrill of the chase, and not looking for anything long lasting in the way of relationships.

So my advice is exactly what Inky said above:

Let The Stuff go and move on. Call your old guy friends. Call your girlfriends. Have a party to celebrate YOUR freedom, air and peace!

Which is exactly what I did. 🙂

Hi Hannah,

Is this an on-line relationship?

My understanding of ghosting is that you never speak to or contact that person ever again.

As he gets back to you when he’s able or ready to do so, suggests to me that he’s not ghosting you.

Raju above says it all in his/her last sentence.

Best wishes,

Jay.

Dear Jade,

I’m so sorry to hear this. No wonder you are living in such anxiety and with so much sadness.

Perhaps it’s time to remind them that:

They have forgotten that when they had nothing, we were the only people that helped them out. It was very little help but it was still us that helped them.

TBH, if it were me, I would say the above and then keep my distance.  A lot of what they have been doing and saying is really hateful and spiteful of them. You neither need nor want that in your life. If your parents decide differently, then that does not have to be your decision as well.

Better to be poor and honest, than rich and hateful. It seems to me that they have to have someone to measure themselves by, materialistically, so they use you and your family to make themselves feel even more powerful and dominant.

If they didn’t have you and your family to insult and upset, they would have to find someone else. Cut loose my friend. You don’t need people like that in your life.

Best wishes,

Jay

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by JayJay.

Dear Koala,

Yes, the guilt is something you have to deal with. I feel the same with my sister. Most of her problems are self inflicted, but I was told by my grandparents to ‘always love and look after your little sister’, and so that’s what I was brought up doing. It’s a long ingrained habit for me, and was extremely hard for me to give up, especially the guilt. I still feel guilty sometimes, but it’s better than the anxiety it causes to argue or try to sort her problems out for her.

My sister is a fully grown adult, well over the age of 50, as I am, yet still blames everyone else for the way her life turns out. She is never wrong, she is a victim of circumstance. She would never admit her problems are brought about by herself and her own decisions, she is always the victim.

Was there anyone in your childhood that said something similar to you?

Dear Koala,

You sound just like me, a very similar tale. I am the eldest sister by 2.5 years.

My parents never divorced or had issues like yours, but they had plenty of rows!

My sister was the ‘favoured, golden child’ for my mother. I went my own way and learned to avoid them both if possible, as they would both turn on me, bully me and belittle me. My sister still does this. Although I don’t give her much opportunity to do so these days.

Like Mark says, you can love her at a distance. Look up ‘how to establish boundaries with family’ and see if you can put any of the suggestions into practice. Often this is simply letting your sister know that you will not tolerate her behaviour any longer.

In my situation, my sister reverts back to childish tantrums when she can’t get her own way, and hurls insults. It’s very tempting to retaliate in a similar manner, but that would give her the satisfaction that she craves, which is to upset me.  I thought it was about time she grew up and I told her so. It didn’t make that much difference, but it made me feel good!

My sister knows now that, if she starts to create disharmony (she loves the drama she creates), then I will simply walk away. Literally, I turn my back and walk out.

Misery loves company. If my sister is not happy then she makes sure everyone else is unhappy too. You have to establish boundaries as to do anything else is both mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Best wishes,

Jay

Dear Laden,

I have two friends who met as Anita describes above. Neither of them ever wanted to have children and they are both happy with that decision.

I think you are too young to make that decision right now.  I feel that, if he is so adamant about not having children that he is prepared to break it off to prevent you from future hurt, that shows great maturity. He obviously knows his own mind, even though he is still young himself. Like Anita says though, he should have that in his profile. It isn’t a crime not to want children, but he should let people he dates know that right from the start.

The friends I mention above, both had had previous relationships where children were an issue and eventually, these previous relationships ended badly. I had known the man I mention above for many years, and he never changed his mind about not having children. A previous relationship of his, which lasted for years, ended very badly, as his partner changed her mind about having no children and realised she did want some. He was devastated at the time, and just kept saying over and over that he had never led her into believing that he would ever have children. I think she thought he would eventually change his mind. He didn’t. In fact, he found even the ‘idea’ of having children repugnant. I’m glad he eventually found someone on the same wavelength. His ex went onto to find a new partner, get married and have children. This story eventually had a happy ending, as they both found partners in tune with their own wants and needs, but only after a great deal of unhappiness for both of them.

Best wishes

Jay

Hello JayJay

But why will a person ghost? Is it because of not knowing how to reject the person in the context of dating

But why do people ghost their friends, if there is any issues in the friendship, it can be talked out but why ghost on friends?

Good question!  I think you may be right in the context of dating. People who ghost on dates simply don’t know how to communicate sincerely. Or it may be that whatever they say, the recipient is not listening, so in the end they give up?  I personally think it’s a product or maybe a social extension of the world we live in, everything gets thrown away, binned. You don’t apologise to your trash before you throw it in the can, you just throw it away.

In the case of friendships, I think that’s more or less the same thing. People who ghost someone else just don’t want the hassle of explanation. but I think in the context of friendship, for whatever reason, then maybe that person who ghosted wasn’t regarding you as a person, really, let along a friend, perhaps.

I have ghosted a friend (well, I suppose the modern term for ‘not speaking to you ever again’ would be ‘ghosting’), and I really thought about it for a long time before I made up my mind never to contact or speak to that person again. It was for a very, very good reason. And that person knew exactly why I no longer wanted to speak to them ever again. The person I ghosted did a shocking thing against me. She wasn’t my friend after all, and I really didn’t want that person in my life any more.

Just my thoughts  and honest opinion here.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by JayJay.