Dear  Shelbyville, Ben, anita

thank you so much for all the kind words.

apparently, this is really hard for me and i know im not thinking straight or sane nowadays. if these things making me so weak maybe i am. i tried to talk to him again, saying i just booked a flight going to paris just to talk to him in person. from there, i will travel to where he will be located because he moves around europe for jobs. i was asking him if its possible to meet him on february just for 1 day for us to talk. im not even going to expect anything but just to hang with him and see in person. but he said “it doesnt matter where is, and he never replied” i know i made a stupid move again but this is what i can feel that will help me to move on to talk to him person and see him after. I desperately wanted to see him.

before this, when the night he brokeup with me, i was very very devastated i lost my control so i took some pills just VitC supplements its funny because i cannot find anything on my desk to calm me down because my heart never stops crying. i wanted to stop crying. during that time, i was talking to his friend -i was telling him i took some pills but never told him it was all VitC supplements, ,maybe i made him think im taking pills to kill myself. but i will never do it. he told to Josh what was happening to me during that time. i think he exaggerated  more that i went to ER because i was overdozed of sleeping pills. which it wasnt sleeping pills after all. i wouldnt think ill be dead taking those vitC either.

2 days after, Josh messaged me saying ” i think you misunderstood something. i did this because its better for you. you are suffering because of my personality no other reason. i dont want to talk to you because of a single reason. which i told you before dont do something stupid. you made an attempt to you life. that made me feel i made a mistake for ever talking to you. i wanted to talk to you until you let go but what you did is unforgivable. you think too little to your self”.  i couldnt say a word during that time, i made a wrong move again. i feel like ive never done something good to win him back. i was always selfish for not letting things passed. and i dont know how to deal with this selfishness. im having some troubles dealing with depression and i couldnt talk about it more so with friends. i just cant. he said he wanted to talk to me before i can let go but he never tried to talk to me. he has no idea of what im going through right now. maybe because he never felt the way i felt for him. ive never liked someone for the past 4 yrs so maybe this is the reason why im suffering like this. i got fully attached on him that the moment he cut all of our connections it became a burden to me. and this is why i cannot move on easily. i love him and i miss him. i booked that flight just to talk to him, but looks like he never wanted to see again. i dont understand why he cant give me another chance? to prove him i love him. and i dont undestand why am i soo affected like this?

Broken Girl