Dear Anita,

Yes. Your analysis of my situation with P is accurate. Thank you for taking the time to present things clearly. Now I see it: I was hoping that there was an explanation for his behavior other than “He doesn’t care enough to make the time.” But he clearly does not. I think that it’s time to admit it and move on. This is painful. It brings me back to when I was 9, when I finally had to admit to myself that my dad was probably never going to call or write more than once a year.

I knew that I was taking a risk by getting attached to P. In the end, I still think that it was worth it because my relationship with him did help me to get out of a toxic relationship.

I don’t know what else to say. I’ll take the time to process all this and try Ho’oponopono, as Ravi kindly suggested.

Take care Anita,

Isabelle

Dear Anita,

Please feel free to ask all the questions that come to your mind. I am truly grateful that you are trying to help, and questions are necessary for you to achieve a better understanding of my situation.

I do tend to forget to congratulate myself for leaving my ex. I do this in general. It’s always on to the next challenge. Never enough. Thank you for reminding me to give kudos to myself. 🙂

The excuses I used for my ex were that he was stressed, unhappy with his job, which he found asked too much of him. Unhappy with life in general. I told myself that he had difficulty facing the challenges of life. And I thought I was partly responsible for his unhappiness, for neglecting him when my son was a baby.

With P, well he is explaining to me, in his emails, what is going on in his life. It’s clearly hectic. It was already quite hectic before the pandemic, to the point where I was already questioning whether he did have room for me in his life. And it has become worse with the pandemic. I believe him, when he explains to me how busy he is. But for me, deep down, this does not justify his failure to take 5 minutes, just a couple times a week, to write a few lines. He was able to write much more often before and his life was hectic back then, so why not now? If I am not worth 5 minutes a couple of times a week, then what am I worth in his eyes? Does he not want to know how I am doing? So I do not have to makes excuses for him. Rather, the similarity to my relationship with my ex is that I am still being understanding and patient with a man, hoping that things will get better.

When we spoke about my separation, P did not seem to fear me asking more from him. What he told me was that he might lose me to another man now that I was single.

The reality of P’s partnership I know quite a bit about. He stays with her for his children. Coming from a broken home – is father was completely absent, he never met him- P’s priority are his children. He wants to be there for them. He feels that his partner is focused on her business, on building it for their children, leaving no room for their love life. He says that they consulted with 2 therapists to try to make things better. They diagnosed her as asexual, and one of them suggested that perhaps P could find another woman to fill his sexual needs (like me, he has a strong libido). His partner was never opened to it, so after a while, he decided to find someone. That’s when we met.

Writing these lines, I am realizing that one thing that has been tormenting me about my relationship to him is that I feel that he broke my trust. When we started emailing back and forth, I told him that I was looking to find a friend with whom to also develop sexual intimacy. Because I could not – and still cannot – see myself just having sex without some sort of affection towards the other person. He completely agreed and said that this was exactly what he was looking for. When I was writing to him about my hesitations and worries with regards to my relationship with my partner, he encouraged me to open up and explicitly said that he really wanted to be my friend. And then, after we met for the first time, I felt him pull back a bit. He started writing less often, apologizing when he did not write for several days and explaining what had kept him. I feel betrayed because he has been acting less and less as a friend. I wrote him, the other day, that I felt like I had lost a friend and did not know why. He answered that his life was hectic, that he was having a hard time coping with the pandemic, that he really missed me and often thought about me. His emails are actually really sweet. But then I wonder, if things are so difficult, why is he not reaching out to me more? I did offer to lend him an ear.

So where I always end up is OK, I just have to be patient. Wait for this crazy period to come to an end, and then see what happens.

I did express optimism, didn’t I? 🙂 I think that writing here is really helping me.

Thank you, Anita. Take care.

Isabelle

Dear Inky,

Thank you for taking the time to answer!

There is no way I can reconnect with the man from my infamous trip.

All the things that you mention are indeed quite possible! I have no way of knowing. I am indeed keeping my distances with him since he started writing less often… As you say, maybe this whole thing will gracefully end.:)

You made me smile with your Mic Drop. Funny woman. 🙂

Take care,

Isabelle

Dear Anita,

The impostor syndrome I know very well. Despite having achieved a lot in my life by objective standards, I always attributed these achievements to external things such as luck or lenient evaluations. In the research field where I now work, I do not fit in. I pursued a career in this field in the hopes of making the world a better place. But instead, I found an ego-dominated environment where real-world preoccupations are only an afterthought. I am trying hard not to become cynical.

Lack of fit between my environment and myself pretty much sums my life, including with my loved ones. I love my family members dearly but I have never fit in with them.

One important reason why I stayed for 14 years with my ex and tried so hard to save our relationship is because on some levels, we understood each. He also has high IQ and emotionality. But his aggressiveness and lack of consideration and empathy made the relationship to him toxic for my son and I.

So here I was in December, feeling very, very alone, and hurt. And P came along and with his warmth and understanding, he made me feel better and achieve more clarity with regards to my situation. Exchanging with him helped me realize that I could never be happy with my son’s father and make the excruciatingly difficult decision of leaving him. Even though my fathers’ son was hinting that he might commit suicide if I was to leave him, I found the courage to do it. For this, I will always be grateful to P. And I cannot help but to want to hear from and see more of him. I want to be reassured that he is going to be there when this pandemic finally ends. Of course, my abandonment issues probably also have a lot to do with this.

I’ll stop here for tonight. If you have any thought, I’ll be happy to read them.

Take care,

Isabelle

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your thoughful, non-judgemental response. I am amazed at how well you summed up my situation. Thank you.

Of course, you are completely right. Perhaps I was not clear on this, but I have already ended my relationship with my father’s son. I moved out on March 2nd. So that’s a start. Now, I am having a very difficult time finding the courage to end this relationship with my friends-with-benefits. How do I do that? It may sound foolish, but being with him has felt so good after years of unhappiness and struggle. I feel like a drowning person who has finally found a buoy to hold on to. I am afraid that I will not find someone else. The kind of men you described, I have never met. So I guess that I am compromising. Something that I have done quite a bit in my life.

Any advice on how to find the courage to end this relationship with my friends-with-benefits would be most welcome.

Take care Anita.

Isabelle