Hi Ally,

As someone who also grew up in a toxic environment and who like you believes that as a daughter you should still love and be there for your parents, I also need to tell you that as you mentioned above, it is not up to you to fix them or the situation.  I am not sure how long you lived in this toxic environment or how old you are now, but what you need to start doing now is to take care of you.  You need to start being there for yourself and start healing from your childhood and learn to love/accept yourself it is hard to do but its necessary so that you can have a good adulthood. Surround yourself with positive people as much as you can. Mostly stop feeling guilty for the way your dad is this is not your fault!

That does not mean that you need to cut out your family completely but maybe just distance yourself for a while let them reach out to you or if you see them do so in neutral grounds such as coffee shops or restaurants, you can also spend holidays with them. It is very possible that your family does not see what they are doing wrong and probably think this is how things should be. So there is probably not much point in talking to them about it. Of course I am judging without knowing them but it has been my observation that the parents of children who grew up in toxic homes will always deny doing anything bad to their kids.

I know that growing up in a toxic is really heartbreaking and hard unfortunately you do not get to chose the family you are born into. The good news is that when and if you are ready for that step and if it’s a path you want to take, you get to chose the person you want to marry and spend your life with, if ever you have children of your own then you still get a chance at having a happy home and family life because you will have learnt from your childhood and this time you will do it your way. Unfortunately, it will not bring back your childhood or undo the bad times but you will get to see a happy childhood through your own kids.

Hi dreaming,

I completely agree with Solie when she says not to put your life on a time line it creates a lot more fear, worry and stress for nothing. You do not realize how young 27 years old is, a lot of people these days get married and have kids in their 30’s. As one person commented above we are not in the 1800’s anymore and people have a much longer life expectancy. You have your whole life still ahead of you. And I know how you feel because I was the last of my friends to find the right man and to get married. I know how painful, lonely and sometimes hopeless it could feel. But I always had that intuition inside of me telling that I would find someone and I did I met him at 30 years old and married him 2 years later. We have been together for 8 years now and married for 6 and are still in our “honeymoon” phase.

I can tell you that all that wait,loneliness and pain was worth it because I found the RIGHT person for me who treats me like a queen and who loves me unconditionally I have trouble realizing sometimes how much he loves me I almost cannot grasp it. We have such a strong marriage together we get through anything and everything together because that is how strong our love is for each other.

Everyone’s life is different but I think that when you are ready and if you stay positive and keep hope it will happen sooner than you think. It is better to take your time to find a good person than to rush and possibly end up in a bad marriage with someone who does not treat you well. Even in a marriage filled with love, support and understanding, life is still hard and filled with obstacles…But having the right person by your side makes it that much easier and having the wrong person makes everything worst and that much harder. Especially if you want kids as much as they bring joy into your life it can also be challenging and trying and makes having a good relationship and marriage even more important.

Having been with someone who put his computer games before me, I understand what she was feeling but it still does not justify her cheating on you. Maybe you have not been perfect but the fact that you can admit to your mistakes says a lot about you, it takes a big person to do that especially after being betrayed. For me personally being cheated on is something that I could never get past I would not be able to stay with them. But some people are able to get past that, depending on how in love you still both are with each other and how much your marriage means to both of you then maybe you could try couples therapy or counseling together? It would be a big first step in showing her that you changed and are ready to put her first and be there for her. Maybe the counselor can give you tips on how to get past this and find a way to really see if you can trust her again.

About trying to conceive my husband and I have been trying for 2 years also, because of that, I have done A LOT of reading and research on infertility or just having a hard time conceiving. I do not have PCOS but I have read about many women who have had it and still got pregnant there are also many articles confirming that pregnancy IS possible with PCOS she might need medical help but it is not impossible. She can always try fertility treatments which is what I have been doing it’s a hard emotional road but you can get there. Also sometimes it’s just trying to stay positive and keep hope that it will happen also stress is a huge factor that can hinder getting pregnant. Sometimes it also just happens when it is supposed to she should try and see if she can find a support group or forum of women going through the same thing it could help her to know that she is not alone and give her some hope to read all the success stories people have.

The first step though before having kids is to see if you can fix your marriage to make it a strong and happy one. Good luck to the both of you. Sorry for the long reply.

I know the feeling of hoping someone will return to you but I think it is a false hope that we make for ourselves to soften the pain of our broken hearts. 8 years is a really long time so I can only imagine the intensity of the pain and confusion you are feeling right now. In time though, when your heart heals a little more and you can breath and think a little more easily you might also realize that the breakup was for the best. If he is not in love with you anymore then staying with him would only hurt you more. I agree with what Monklet and I know these words are not comforting to you right now but if anything I do think that he loves, cares and respects you enough to let you go when he felt it was not right anymore instead of leading you on and making your pain worst. Your breakup is really recent and you need to give yourself time to heal try to take it one day at a time and let yourself feel your emotions without judging yourself. It is great that you are seeing a counselor and that you are taking time to rediscover and take care of yourself.

Hi Helpless,

As hard as it might be I think you should just move on from him and let him go. Of course this is going to be hard since he was a part of your life for so many years and you got used to him. It is better to be alone than in the wrong company. I am talking to you from my own experience as about 10 years ago I was in a similar situation except I found out in the end that he DID cheat on me. If you are so stressed and feel so insecure with him then he is clearly not the right one for you. You said it yourself that you have mentally ruined each other that sounds like a toxic relationship.If he really loved and respected you he would not feel to the need to be speaking with other girls it sounds like he is just manipulating your feelings and playing with your mind. He wants to run around with other girls but wants to make sure he can keep you near as a “back up” just in case it does not workout with the other girls.He WANTS you to feel guilty and make you believe it is all your fault if things didn’t work out.

When I found out my ex was cheating I immediately cut ties with him but had to change my number because he was still calling me even though he was with the other girl. It was SUPER hard because despite all he had done I was still very much in love with him. But it was also the best thing I could have done for myself it allowed me to eventually move on and heal myself of course all of this took a lot of pain and time but I got there. Now 7 years later, I am with an amazing man who truly loves me I can tell you that being with the right person you do not feel stressed or scared you might still have insecurities because of past experiences but they have a way of appeasing it. If he is ignoring you now then it might be a good place/time for you to start moving on. Be strong and realize that you deserve better.