Her father is doing well now and has been discharged as well.

As soon as my father returned home today after the ceremony, he was like now I am free from the stress of the elder daughter’s future and then looked at me and told me I have found a great family for you- the boy is in allied services, his father is a professor and mother a teacher. You will be so happy. It scared the shit out of me. And on top of that, he said your sister rejected so many good guys, the best proposals were rejected by her, now she was forced to settle with an average family. It is good but I wished she had chosen when she had the choice and got a better family and a better husband. Now she is so old that there are no good eligible guys left. So, I won’t let you reject guys right left and center like her. Learn to adjust and compromise.

I feel so scared and hurt. I so wish I fell in love with someone who took responsibility for his decisions, I could have taken his name confidently knowing that my parents need not look for people who will be bought through these costly gifts for me. I wish I fell in love with someone who could take a leap of faith and jump into these marriage discussions rather than just wanting to jump in bed with me.

I know this feeling will pass soon but it hurts a lot currently. There is no standing up for yourself in such cases, either you make the people who took care of you all your life sad and disappointed or you make them happy. Either way I won’t be happy.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Ik09.

those 6 times with the previous ex- were 6 weeks as well… With my previous ex-, it was more of a habit because of the frequency of the communication between us. He called me anywhere he was. And the communication was too much now that I think of it. I behaved like a love-forlorn puppy when it ended and I will accept it today that it was more of a blow to my ego because I often felt that I could be with someone better in terms of understanding and someone who was calmer instead of being hot-tempered like him. He had left me alone in a deserted street at 11 pm in a fit of anger because he had left his phone behind in a cab. He was unable to gather his thoughts and while I activated all google functions of his phone from mine so that anyone who gets his phone would inform us on my phone. anyways we found the phone the next day- due to the google functions, someone found it and gave it to him. No points about his anger but more that I always felt I was taking care of him. And within a year and a half, I wanted the relationship to end but he was already struggling so much in his life that I did not want to make life more difficult for him. I had mentioned it to him before but he used to dismiss it saying that we haven’t met in so long that is why you feel this way.

A relationship should be 50-50. So, that relationship’s break-up although hurt me but it is because he didn’t end it when I said but ended it when he felt was convenient for him. If you re-read the description of my dreams I had then…they all speak of how my self-esteem had taken a hit.

And as I said I don’t actually, what ‘dating’ is, because of the distance.

Recent one-

I don’t actually know what I think of it, I just know that there was an emotion(Perhaps still is hidden within) too strong which neither of us could understand. I am saying this because we often discussed this that why do we still care for one another? I have not heard of one couple who still had feelings for one another with as less communication and meet-ups as us. We even broke up on the issue that since we have met so less there must be only habit holding us together. We had no communication for almost 43 days. Then suddenly he texted because the moving-on plan wasn’t working. It was that night itself that I was thinking to myself that why am I in this situation and why do I keep feeling for him when I haven’t even spent a month with him together.

It has bothered both of us so it is not about what I consider or not. It was a situation that I never understood. And still don’t understand.

What I meant about not dating again in the earlier post was that I don’t wish to indulge with anyone for some time.

I will try my best, I am focusing my heart and soul on all things I enjoy. Spending some parts of my savings on things that I have wanted for a long time but I kept denying myself all of it thinking one day I will get them.

I keep telling everyone that are you expecting that you will get a re-do of your life that you keep denying yourself happiness and here I am doing the same thing every time I am sad and stuck.

Time to apply it to me. I am still feeling fear in terms of letting people too close. But I think it will eventually go away.

As for overthinking about him, His name is the commonest name in my country so even when I switch the overthinking mode off, something or the other reminds me of him but I know it will happen only for sometime ……. and then it will be okay, right?

Anita

So I will explain it this way-

I don’t think that my sister is evil but she thinks that nobody but she is right and although she says I am the one who seeks attention all the time but she is the one acting out everywhere so that everyone should only discuss her and nobody else.

She has been overprotective when we are outside in front of other people and when we were inside the house- She never let me do anything I liked, When I used to dance-she would make fun of my dancing, English was my second language and so I had difficulty in the beginning so it was a laughing topic if I would write she would make fun of that, how I walk, what I wear, how I tie my hair, and yet complained that I always had the best of stuff, got more pocket money, anything that I used to have- she would take it anyhow but wearing it repeatedly and not washing it till I stopped asking for it. And it was all fun and games to her till I would talk back or ask for stuff. As a kid, she used to hit me for even taking her pencil while doing my homework if I lost mine. I have to remind you here that I am 5 years younger and so, I was already getting hand-me-downs and the stationary used to be with her so that it is SAFE. it was so safe that I never got to touch any of it till I was in 9th grade and she left for college.

My sister had come to visit me when I was in college 2nd year, I had asked my mum to not let her stay at my hostel but mum was like she is only staying there for a day, she had a train the next day. She had an argument with me because I was searching for something while she was speaking to me. Then she tried paying me for her stay, Which she did by throwing the money in my face, I lost my temper, I took the money and thrust it in her palms. She got angry seeing me reacting back so infront of my hostel girls, she kicked me first and then while I was on the floor thrashed me on my head 2-3 times then went inside my room. I was humiliated but I got up and went inside as well. She had a train in 2 hours and the railway station was a little far so I fixed my hair and Wiped my tears. Took her luggage and said come I will drop you off at the station, you might get lost on your own. She was like obviously this is your duty. I dropped her off, sent her off with food and magazines for the way. And came back. Not just that night but for the next few days, everyone kept talking about the incident and looked at me with pity as if I was an injured animal. And this is just one example.

Everyone used to get angry with me if I lost my temper whenever she provoked because according to them, it is her nature and you have to be the understanding one and not fight. And like a fool, I believed that yes it was my fault that our fights occurred because I lost my temper.

She bought 7 traditional wedding gowns (lehenga in Indian tradition) and I had one and yet she asked my mum to not let me wear mine because according to her my own gown was better than 7 of hers. Anyways, It is her day and I don’t have a thing for anything anymore. I just care for good food, and when I have enough then traveling as well.

So I think it is a combination of behaviors.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Ik09.

They know I have always wanted to choose my own partner but the delay that happened in my sister’s marriage has scared them and they are not understanding my current mental state.

I care perhaps too much for a guy who at the end of everything does not want to be with me.

I have tried moving on many times in the last 2.5 years, it did not work. I have consciously tried to move on, to like other people but I am unable to. That scares me a lot.

Why did it have to be a person whom everyone disapproved of in my house? why did it have to be a long-distance relationship and why were things always tougher for us than other people?? this hurts a lot, these questions do.

I did not mention one mess up on my part. Last Oct., at a house party, when I was extremely drunk, I was kissed by someone(my friend’s brother- he was also in my college but another dept.). I was very very drunk and I kissed back but then I passed out after that. The next morning I woke up and texted the recent ex about it. He was obviously very upset. We didn’t use to talk on calls ever, we talked on text only when I texted- it was the time when he had started distancing himself from me after he and my sister talked.

He went mad with rage. But still kept telling me to eat well and sleep well and not think of it and not feel guilty. It took him some time but he got over it and although I asked if he wanted to end things but he said he didn’t. His sisters counseled him that time and told him that somewhat it was his mistake too. He didn’t accept me and kept me in limbo and so I acted out.

To be honest, I had no conscious thoughts in my head then. It just happened and when I sobered up the next day, I was haunted by guilt for months together, even now somewhere I feel guilt. I wanted to tell you this because when you called me good and honest, it bothered me a lot.

For the past two days, my anxiety is bothering me again. Crying and breathlessness and moments of complete blankness.

I think he didn’t want me to know that he joined the forum and perhaps this is why he changed his username.

It’s very very difficult for him to talk about his issues with anyone. He doesn’t have me currently so maybe he thought talking here would help but I think for someone already facing low self-esteem issues, reading on my thread that he was the main problem, He was the one with all major issues might have felt like an attack. I can say this because I know how long it took for him to state a basic issue in his life.

I feel it is easier for us women to share our mind than men and if they lose hope for whatever reason that they cannot be helped, then it is like sentencing them in their mental prison.

I will still however not reach out to him.

If However, you are reading this. Please talk to Anita, share your entire story. If you don’t feel comfortable with me being on the forum. I will not open the website for the next few days, but I want you to not keep that pain in you. What is the worst that could happen? A stranger on the internet would tell you that you have issues, don’t you already know that? Didn’t you want to work on them and so decided to seek opinion and help here? Don’t give up on you. The people here are harmless, if you don’t help yourself then there will be a lot who take advantage of you all the time. And no you are not the problem, nobody can clap with just one hand, we require two hands. A happy relationship needs two people and a bad one also needs two to ruin it. I have major problems. Give up that fear. Nobody knows you. Talk. And don’t give up till you start understanding your mind a little better. Be honest about all questions and be patient.

Perhaps,

I don’t remember very clearly, but we met once a year or twice a year… so 6 times in 3 years perhaps

With the recent one, it was more difficult although the distance was lesser than before because our situation was so weird, we were so on and off, so the gaps were bigger. We met in Oct 2018 then 2019 September then February 2021.

I know you will say it wasn’t a relationship since we didn’t meet like normal couples.

But this is what both of us wanted, a chance to be able to spend time together like normal couples. But the pandemic took away the chance.