C,

It’s interesting from my perspective because from reading you post, it’s clear you already have the strength and self-awareness to be able to accept the situation and move on from the pain. But you’re not a robot. You can’t flick a switch (like some abusive/narcissistic people can). You’re a human being who has the beautiful capacity to think and feel deeply, so it’s going to be a day by day process is all. And it’s perfectly natural, even if it’s bloody painful.

I’m inclined to agree with Kyniska. I guess if I was in your position (and I have been in a similar one) and the person apologised, it might soothe my ego temporarily but I would still be very hurt. I would still be angry at him, at the past, be upset with myself for getting myself into that situation. Not that I would blame myself, but there would just be a swirling mass of thoughts and emotions in me, and I still wouldn’t know what to do with them. But only you can be the judge of what’s right for you.

From my experience, I coped by embracing all the mixed thoughts and emotions, revelling in them because they made me human. I coped by expressing them – writing letters to him which I would never send and writing reflective journal entries to express all that I felt in that moment. And also talking to trusted friends too. Then you go about your daily life until you feel compelled to do it all again.
It’s a process. Rinse and repeat.

I think you find acceptance for whatever happened by accepting first and foremost your thoughts, emotions and actions past and present. That you’re allowed to take however long you need to work through it all. To accept others and external circumstances with all their flaws and foibles – we have to be able to accept ourselves first. And just because we may possess a certain level of sensitivity and self-awareness, doesn’t mean others should or are even capable of being on that particular level. That’s just the way it is. While I didn’t think it would happen at the time, I was just trying to make it through day by day, that pain did dissipate. It’s not fully gone, and I don’t think it ever will be. But there’s also room now for peace and acceptance as well.

I hope you will find peace and acceptance, C. I have a funny feeling you will, that you will learn to let go and grow from this and when you look back on this one day, you will marvel at just how much you’ve grown. The beautiful irony will be that you would not have grown so much without the pain and confusion you are feeling right now. Trust in the process.