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IndigloParticipantHi Jeff,
don’t give up. You will get through it.IndigloParticipantOh yeah I am 40 and I am scared to death to become 50. The truth however is that being 50 years old they still have many years of productive, meaningful and enjoyable life ahead of them. They still have time to do what they maybe wanted to do and haven’t had a chance. What you can do is perhaps is to talk to them about it and suggest seeking psychological counseling, possibly cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). For self-study of some of the techniques, buy them the book of Dennis Greenberger, “Mind Over Mood” – this one includes an example of a similar case.
Part of the crisis could be the separation of children now that their youngest son leaves on his own. So if playing an important role in their children’s life is still important to them, you can assure them that they are still needed and loved, needed by their children and grand children, maybe talk to others and find a way to engage them more.IndigloParticipantAgree with Buddhist Wife on all counts. I would only add that if you can’t get a therapist, or want to self-learn some techniques to combat fears and anxiety, check David Burns’ “Feeling Good Handbook”. Also, join some martial art classes, such as karate. Besides practical benefits directly addressing your fears, it is good for your health – physical and mental, it is fun, is suitable for introverts, and is an opportunity to “take out the anger” elsewhere than on your boyfriend 😉
cheersIndigloParticipantSheik:
“I still feel like I’m letting them down by not finding a job yet that fits into my new career path.” You are over personalizing the issue. You are probably not finding the job because of factors that lay outside of your direct control, such as very few job opportunities. Do not condition yourself by “should”/”must” statements: “I must get a job ASAP”, “I should have found a job by now”. If it comes to you, change it to “IT WOULD BE NICE if I have found a job by now”, and you will feel a bit better.
You are probably catastrophizing the issue. What is the worst thing that can happen?
You actually have a strong backup: “I am very blessed to have a mom who can sympathize with my situation and a girlfriend who loves me unconditionally”, and is “VERY successful”.
I think your main issue is your low mood and anxiety rather than your matter-of-fact situation. Your low mood and anxiety, and perhaps lowered self esteem source from automatically irrational perception of things and you need to get out of this pattern. I recommend getting some psychological counseling. Find a therapist who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). Also, you can learn some techniques from the “Feeling Good” book by David Burns, especially his three column technique/daily thoughts log.IndigloParticipantJeff divorce is not fun and one of the most stressful experiences one can have. I presume thinking along the lines you have is not unusual and totally understandable, and sorry you had to experience it.
The problem is that your thoughts are in fact irrational and they make you feel bad, hopeless. By changing the way you think about the same event, your mood will improve.
You might want to see a psychologist who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), or learn some techniques by your self. The one I like and the one that really saved me many times, is the 3 column technique. Check e.g. the book “Feeling Good” by David Burns.You think ” The life I loved is over. My kids are now statistics…”, you are catastrophizing the matter, you see as “all or nothing”, but the life you loved is likely not totally over, and you still have your kids.
You think “No exciting future will come of this”, you are trying to predict the future. Most likely you find the ways to enjoy life, ways to live meaningful life. Nobody took this from you.
You think “No good comes of this”, you are again predicting the future and you think it is black and white. In fact, your kids learn from you how to deal with this situation or learn what should have been done differently. It makes you stronger, and your kids stronger. It perhaps opens some new opportunities for you.
Anyways, hope you get the ideaIndigloParticipantI find CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) a very effective practical method to deal with anxiety and stress; especially the 3 column technique. Search Amazon for “Feeling good” by David Burns.
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