It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong.

He sounds manipulative and troubled. He sounds emotionally unstable and very unhealthy for you and your emotional well being.

I agree with Anita above, it sounds like he may not have every experienced a healthy relationship and really messed it up because he didn’t know how to just be.  To trust you, to encourage you, to accept you as you are.  Those are a few things common to a healthy relationship.  If you granted him those rights but he didn’t return them to you, it sounds to me like he’s emotionally unstable and unhealthy.

I relate to your story because I too dated a man who was emotionally damaged and unstable.  I’m still trying to figure out what happened, what went wrong and why.  I can’t get over it either.  I’m grateful you wrote this and have reached out.

As for me and how I am dealing with it, I realize that I did not do anything wrong.  I come from a very stable and emotionally healthy family, I’m not perfect but I try and do my best to be kind, considerate, supportive, honest, present, listen, and to simply be aware.  I was honest and presented myself exactly as I am, I shared honestly about myself and that’s my bedrock.  You have to believe in yourself.  Don’t let who he thought you were, who he wanted you to be, and all the disturbing and manipulative things he did to you become you.  It is clear to me that is not who you are at all.  It’s clear to me he was very manipulative.  You gave in, and now you have to build yourself back up.  (I say that because that’s how I feel, I feel like I am repairing my self)

Perhaps you came to the relationship with different rules.  Consider he’s just very damaged and doesn’t know how to be in a healthy, open, honest, supportive, and loving relationship. I believe everyone wants and deserves this but we also come to relationships with all we have, that’s it.  I don’t think being with him was good for you.  Hopefully you will take away being respectful to yourself is first, if that is violated then the relationship isn’t going to be healthy and you may want to consider leaving it or asking your partner why can’t he respect you and accept you for who you are.  And, secondly, if he wants to, what can you and he do to be mutually respectful and supportive.

It sounds like you know who you are.  You sound very stable, but have been severely shaken up and rocked by the changes you willingly made in hopes the relationship would flourish.  Sadly it didn’t.  That’s ok.  It is something to learn from and become stronger for having gone through.  Now you can recognize when someone is not accepting you for who you are, and hopefully you will not allow that to happen again.

For what this is worth, I can’t get my ex out of my mind either.  The only way I know how to move on is to listen to my conscience, the still quiet and resilient voice deep inside.  I write about it.  I cry.  I share with friends and we discuss it until they no longer want to. (thank you dear friends for listening and supporting me)  And, I am hopeful that after having gone through this last relationship I will have gained knowledge to recognize when someone is respectful, honest, kind, supportive, and accepting and when they are not.  It’s been a terribly painful experience, I am sorry for that.

May we both be stronger for having experienced these relationships.  I also sincerely hope some of these words are helpful and supportive in your healing.

India