hi thinklove. i’m really impressed by your self-awareness. it sounds like you don’t have any ill feelings towards your ex, but i’m totally hearing that you don’t see him as the right person for you. not sharing common interests is one thing, but incompatibility is another. i imagine it was difficult to leave someone whom you respect and cherish for who they are, and it makes sense to have some doubts about whether or not you made the right decision. i like what you said about your your new relationship: you seem to be approaching it with curiosity and few expectations. your ex, on the other hand, seems to want you back in just the opposite way, vowing to cling to you like a dog no matter what. i’m guessing that his request and promises are more about his insecurities than they are about the happiness of either of you. your head and your heart seem to already be telling you what you need to hear: wait it out, try new things, and grow into this new chapter. he’s not going to break if you don’t take him back right away and, if he does, that’s not your responsibility. but if your ex fits the mould later on, so be it. just stay true to yourself as you have been.

hi girlinwonderment. there’s an 8-hour time difference between my boyfriend (of 4.5 months) and i right now, and i started my morning out by wondering why i haven’t heard from him in about 24 hours (despite some illicit solicitations). after reading the post on knowing whether i might be with the right person or not, i realised that my feelings of rejection right now are less about him and more about me. in actual fact, our recent email exchange ended by me saying i was satisfied with his last response despite not actually getting what i asked for. i was not clear with him that i believed the object of my seeking would help make me feel closer to him. i have no one to blame here but myself, but instead of blame, i can turn myself towards myself and curiously examine why i think i so badly need to feel that connection in that particular way when there are a lot of other signs (words and actions) that there is already a connection there. this is a familiar pattern to me, and i appreciate banu’s thoughts on exploring that.

girlinwonderment, only you know what’s best for you, but i also want to point out something: if you don’t already have it, you can’t get it unless you ask. you said, “he is a grown man. he should know what a woman needs.” i am curious why you are lashed to such gendered expectations. remember, it wasn’t that long ago that women broke out of what society believed to be their role of minding the kids and the kitchen, and it takes generations to catch beliefs up to social circumstances. in any case, no person ought to know what another person needs, except on the most basic, shared levels like food, shelter, etc. all humans need some kind of connection, but it’s up to each of us to recognise what that connection is for ourselves, and be open enough (with ourselves) to reveal our needs in order to satisfy them. basically, what i’m saying is that if you don’t ask for what you need, you can’t expect him to give it to you. as steve1 alluded to, your man might be playing his cards close to his chest so that he doesn’t come off too strong. remember that he’s probably been hurt, too. the question you have to ask yourself is, what is worth the risk of love? you can either test him to see if he comes around on his own, or you can ask him if he can come around. either way, he will or he won’t. all you ever have is your own actions and thoughts, and you’ll be left with them either way.