I wanted to respond with my story, but I’m sad to see all the responders are from years ago so I feel a little bit alone. But I’m hoping someone will see this. A year ago in July, I was at my permit test (yes I am young, but please don’t let that take away of how serious it is I feel) and my boyfriend surprised me with flowers at the dmv. My mom said I could go spend time with him and at that time it’s been 6 months with him. We hung out in his car and we were going to do the deed, but I wasn’t as aroused. (Which has been happening a lot and I found out it was because of my birth control) He looked sad because he thought I wasn’t attracted to him anymore. I told him it’s not his fault and I just don’t know why I haven’t been in the mood lately. As we sat there in the car I began to cry and I suddenly felt and extreme dread inside me and I thought “what if I don’t love him anymore?” And after he took me home I felt EXTREMELY sick and I was crying and panicking and that led to an extreme downhill spiral. I was so worried because I loved him more than anything and I wanted to spend my life with him he treats me unlike any other guy I have seen or met. So a week passes and I couldn’t shake the feeling. I told him how I was feeling and his heart broke, but he said we could get through this. Months go by with endless doctors appointments and yet he was supportive of any decision I made, all he worried about was my health. Everyday I would cry and soon I became extremely depressed and suicidal and I was afraid to get better in fear of my feelings not coming back. I had times where I felt hopeful and like I felt the love, but they didn’t last long. Soon school started again (he had graduated and I was in senior year) I cried in school a lot. Overtime for some reason I got better and fell back in love with him and I was happy, but I could never shake the thoughts of “I don’t know if he’s going to be the one I marry” “maybe there is someone better” then quarantine began and at first everything was okay and we were good although we couldn’t talk as much I was okay with it because I know we were both occupied. The past week though it came back and in full force. I feel extremely numb and I think I just need to break up with him, but I just can’t. I’m so angry and I don’t understand why this ever happened. I can’t stay with him, but I also don’t want to be without him. I’ve told him that these feelings are resurfacing and that I’m becoming depressed again and he’s always pushing me to heal and get out of this depression, but I don’t want to. He’s still so optimistic and I can’t help, but feel like I deserve to suffer for all the good things he’s done For me and how much I put him through. Thinking of everything that’s going to change and the fact that he is my best friend and I don’t have anyone else I’m close to. He still loves me so much and I feel like I deserve to suffer for putting him through so much. I try to keep hope and think that we’re still young so maybe we have some growing to do on our own and maybe in the future we can join together again even better, but right now I can’t think of being with anybody. If we don’t end up getting back together again I don’t think I can be with anyone else. I get sick thinking of being with anyone else besides him. I haven’t done it yet, but I’m so nervous I don’t want him to leave my life. I pray everyday that he find someone better and that he can get over me even if it hurts and I am alone. I care for him a lot. And I feel as if I cannot allow myself to be happy unless he is. I’ve just became extremely depressed again and I’d rather not exist than to feel what I’m feeling and to make him feel horrible.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by tinybuddha.