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    Lean
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    I wanted to respond with my story, but Iā€™m sad to see all the responders are from years ago so I feel a little bit alone. But Iā€™m hoping someone will see this.Ā A year ago in July, I was at my permit test (yes I am young, but please donā€™t let that take away of how serious it is I feel) and my boyfriend surprised me with flowers at the dmv. My mom said I could go spend time with him and at that time itā€™s been 6 months with him. We hung out in his car and we were going to do the deed, but I wasnā€™t as aroused. (Which has been happening a lot and I found out it was because of my birth control) He looked sad because he thought I wasnā€™t attracted to him anymore. I told him itā€™s not his fault and I just donā€™t know why I havenā€™t been in the mood lately. As we sat there in the car I began to cry and I suddenly felt and extreme dread inside me and I thought ā€œwhat if I donā€™t love him anymore?ā€ And after he took me home I felt EXTREMELY sick and I was crying and panicking and that led to an extreme downhill spiral. I was so worried because I loved him more than anything and I wanted to spend my life with him he treats me unlike any other guy I have seen or met. So a week passes and I couldnā€™t shake the feeling. I told him how I was feeling and his heart broke, but he said we could get through this. Months go by with endless doctors appointments and yet he was supportive of any decision I made, all he worried about was my health. Everyday I would cry and soon I became extremely depressed and suicidal and I was afraid to get better in fear of my feelings not coming back. I had times where I felt hopeful and like I felt the love, but they didnā€™t last long. Soon school started again (he had graduated and I was in senior year) I cried in school a lot. Overtime for some reason I got better and fell back in love with him and I was happy, but I could never shake the thoughts of ā€œI donā€™t know if heā€™s going to be the one I marryā€ ā€œmaybe there is someone betterā€ then quarantine began and at first everything was okay and we were good although we couldnā€™t talk as much I was okay with it because I know we were both occupied. The past week though it came back and in full force. I feel extremely numb and I think I just need to break up with him, but I just canā€™t. Iā€™m so angry and I donā€™t understand why this ever happened. I canā€™t stay with him, but I also donā€™t want to be without him. Iā€™ve told him that these feelings are resurfacing and that Iā€™m becoming depressed again and heā€™s always pushing me to heal and get out of this depression, but I donā€™t want to. Heā€™s still so optimistic and I canā€™t help, but feel like I deserve to suffer for all the good things heā€™s done For me and how much I put him through. Thinking of everything thatā€™s going to change and the fact that he is my best friend and I donā€™t have anyone else Iā€™m close to. He still loves me so much and I feel like I deserve to suffer for putting him through so much. I try to keep hope and think that weā€™re still young so maybe we have some growing to do on our own and maybe in the future we can join together again even better, but right now I canā€™t think of being with anybody. If we donā€™t end up getting back together again I donā€™t think I can be with anyone else. I get sick thinking of being with anyone else besides him. I havenā€™t done it yet, but Iā€™m so nervous I donā€™t want him to leave my life. I pray everyday that he find someone better and that he can get over me even if it hurts and I am alone. I care for him a lot. And I feel as if I cannot allow myself to be happy unless he is. Iā€™ve just became extremely depressed again and Iā€™d rather not exist than to feel what Iā€™m feeling and to make him feel horrible.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by tinybuddha.
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